What to do when disowned by husband's family?

Question

My husband and I have been disowned by his family because we helped his little sister (18 yrs old) move in with her boyfriend (now husband). We also let her move in with us when she had no where else to stay. She is in a different state now, but we stay in contact all the time. We are the only family she now has. We do what we can to help her out.
His brother just got married on the 17th and we were not invited. My husband was suppose to be the best man, but we never heard anything else about the wedding. We stopped getting phone calls, birthday cards, and now his extended family hs stopped talking to us.
I have tried to fix things, but my mother-in-law is so mean. I threw a suprise birthday party for my husband and his parents would not come.
My husband won't talk about his feelings and I can tell he is really hurt. I really hate them for doing this to him.
What do I do?

They are not longer talking to us and act as if we never existed.
Yes, his mother is very religious, but they did not want her moving in with the bf because they just did not like him. They have never given a reason why other than he is annoying. He really is a good man. I am not sue why they won't be more open.

Answer 1

All you can do is be there for your husband. Do not bad mouth his family for that could come back on you. If you want continue to send the appropriate holiday, birthday and anniversary cards as well as any announcements (like birth of a child etc). Do not expect any reply, it's kinda like they closed the door, but you aren't....and by these little gestures you are keeping them "in the loop" of your life in a very narrow, controlled way. Unless your husband feels differently of course. Don't beat yourself up over this, as long as you feel that the two of you did what you truly felt was the right thing then to heck with them! What goes around comes around. We can't choose our families, but we can choose the people we spend time with and surround ourselves with. Family doesn't have to be those people. Good luck & best wishes.

Answer 2

The same thing happened to us.
Only my husbands sister didn't have a boyfriend at the time.
She did have a little 3 year old girl. They moved in with us.
They stayed for about 6 months. Then found a house and moved out. It took some time before the family, esp his mother got over it. It takes time. Most of the time things will work out on there own. Has your husband tried talking with his family/ mother?
I know how heartbreaking it is to watch your husband, when he feels shunned from his family.
Try to look at it from his familes side. They are hurting too.
It may not be justified. But they are hurting too. Anger has taken the place of their hurt. And that sucks.
Hopefully in time they will come to there senses and you all can work things out.

Answer 3

Well it sounds like he has some cold hearted parents, well it sounds like they disowned there daughter too, so since they did it to one kid it was easier to do to the other, i know i hurts for him but just between u and this yahoo thing he is better off without them, some people should just never have kids if u know what i mean. You guys did the right thing by helping his sister if she had no where to go and was all alone i think that a courage's and kind thing to do and any "normal" person can see that. u have to suck it up and try to patch things up, try sucking up but not in an obvious way, do some nice things for them, buy them a present, maybe something they have always wanted. The thing is if the issue is not resolved your husband will continue to hurt, and if you want to do the right thing that's what i would do, good luck. also send the brother a really nice weeding gift.

Answer 4

That is sad, especially when you did what you did for the right reasons. Remember that you and your husband are a family unit, if the extended family and in-laws want to play "no speakies" harden your hearts and leave them to it. In the end they may come round and if they don`t then the loss is theirs. Just be more tender and loving with each other and keep the door open for the return of these people.

Answer 5

Believe me when I say I know what you mean even though the situations are different. He who is without sin, let him cast the first stone.My 81 year old Dad owes me an apology and I haven't been to my Mom and Dads house in almost 5 months My sister who is now pissed at me for not going over there has mental issues to deal with because she says they are old so that gives them the right to treat people like crap. I DON'T THINK SO, NOT ME ANYWAY.My brother over there has no need dollar wise because his wives Mother died a long time ago and left his wife alot of money so he always has his nose up his butt with a too good for anyone attitude bragging on his fortune. One day he will need family. I don't even want my boyfriend to meet anyone from my family now and before I was excited about it. They never call to check on me or my grown kids which we live an hour away. I have to call them but not anymore. Life goes on. Don't come to my funeral if you won't contact me while I'm alive...Oh did I mention,I 'm a born again Christian of Jesus and because I haven't gone over there since the incident, they say I don't act like a Christian should even though they don't read their Bible OR go to church or know where they are going when they die.Also they like to throw them rocks because their lives are sooo miserable. I ask God what to do and I haven't gotten the urge to go over there yet and don't know if I ever will. Just taking one day at a time and thats all you and him can do even though it makes your Heart sad at times.

Answer 6

First (this is the hardest part) stop hating them. Next you do not do anything, this is something your husband has to work out. You married a man not a boy. I would be there for my husband and support him in what HE wants to do about his family. Do not say negative things about them to him. I would still send the family cards on birthdays and holidays.
I know it hurts and you want to fix it but really it's out of your hands. Good luck.

Answer 7

Take the high road. There's no way you'll ever change other people's minds. It's sad that they want to be so petty. Let them know that you still love them, and that when they've put this incident behind them and realize that they're still family, you'll forgive them.

Then break off ALL contact. Don't let them know how much they are hurting you or your husband. To do so empowers them. They feel that they are right because you feel GUILT. In their eyes, they'll never forgive you because you KNOW you're wrong because you feel guilt.

Now, we both know that line of logic is a load of horse manure. But they'll believe it 'til their dying day. Unless they don't get the reaffirmation that they're hurting you. THEN, they'll start to question their own "logic".

It may take years. I hope not. I've seen families suffer for some very petty reasons.

Life is short. Live it to the fullest. If they can't be a part of your life without making you miserable, you're better off without them. For now.

Good Luck,

Answer 8

Is there any particular reason why her parents did not want her to move in with her boyfriend? Seems like there is a lot that you are not saying. I can't imagine anybody being that angry as to uninvite their own brother to a wedding where he is supposed to be the best man. Is your husband's family very religious? What's up with the rest of the family?

Answer 9

From your comments you went against the family's moral convictions and possibly religious beliefs. In their eyes you helped their little girl become a slut
It makes little difference to them that she Finally did what was right. YOU interfered in what they considered close personal family matters.
All you can do is seek their forgiveness if they will not give it You and you husband need to move on with your lives without them. you extend the olive branch . It is all you can do.
Hopefully they Will take it.
You have just learned one of life's hardest lessons .If it does not directly concern you ,your husband or your children. Stay out of others problems.

Answer 10

Maybe the two of you should seek some counselling together. It's hard to get past hurtful experiences like that, but when you have toxic family members in your life, that is unfortunately par for the course. But things are looking up for you. It sounds like you will not have to deal with them anymore.