how to deal with incessant whining/tantrums?

Question

My son (2 1/2) used to be an angel most of the time, but he seems to have changed almost overnight into one of the worst behaved children I've seen- admitedly not many, which may explain a bit why my wife and I are finding this phase so difficult. When he's good, he's adorable and very intelligent, but it seems as if those moments are becoming rarer and rarer. A good majority of his communication to us is in the form of whining & even the most mundane of tasks which he handled fine before (bedtime/diaper changes) often turn into total meltdowns now. He is waking up 2-3 times a night and will not go back to sleep without one of us in there.

We both are becoming very frustrated and are left wondering-
a) what are some effective discipline stratagies for this? We've tried time out, positive re-enforcment, etc.
b) what are some of the ways you have dealt/are dealing with this phase as parents. We love him so much, but it is sometimes difficult when he is thrashing around like a madman.

Answer 1

Okay. Before answering your question I read some of the other responses. I agree that a good swat for ill behavior may be one alternative for this behavior, also ignoring it may be another, but there is something else that I would like to share with you before you resort to this form of correction.

I also have a daughter about this age who is going through, or exhibiting, some of the same kinds of behavior. You have already answered your own question in identifying the root cause - communication. Up until this point your child's only form of communication has been crying. He was born with it. He had a different cry to express hunger, wetness, fatigue, etc. Now he is becoming more active and has more needs, and more things that he wants to communicate. It is my opinion that he has altered his only known form of communication - crying - into his would be speech patterns.

First, I would suggest you and your wife observe how you communicate to each other - how do you elevate your converstations when you are discussing something? Do you talk louder? Do you argue? Or quietly discuss? This will give you some insight to what he could be patterning in his attempt to communicate his new needs. Maybe not. But it is worth looking at.

Second, I have found that teaching my daughter American Sign Language has been most benificial. I would highly recommend that you and your wife learn to sign as a form of communication with your son.
Case and point: When my daughter began to eat solid foods she ate until I thought she was full. So I would excuse her from the table to play and I would finish my meal. Later she would begin to cry. It was frustraiting because I could not figure out why she was crying. One time she came back to the table and reached for my plate. She was not done eating yet. I discovered that she was a grazer. So I taught her the sign for "finished" and the sign for "eating". From then on she made the signs when she was full. This has translated into her letting me know when she is finished with other things such as her bath time, playing outside, etc. We even use the sign with her to tell her to stop doing something that she should not be doing. It works wonderfully! She can now ask for "milk", an "apple", some "cheeze", etc.
Another friend shared with me that she taughter he son sign language and he used it until he was able to say the words. She continued to talk out loud and say the signs to him, but he quit using the signs for a while until he discovered that there were other things that he could not say and began to use more signs again. She told me that he was very frustrated and acted out until he began to use sign language. I have included a web site for your to check out, and in addition there are sometimes classes that you can find on the web for classes near you.

I continue to use positive re-enforcement with my daughter. I also illiminate all other forms of distress before I begin discipline. I ask myself if it is her nap time (routine is so important), I ask myself if she is hungry or thirsty, and illimate those as root causes for her behavior before I take disciplinary actions. You might try asking your son if he has had a nightmare when he wakes up in the middle of the night, or maybe there is something in his room that keeps him from going back to bed (an open closet door?). Also see if he is hungry or thirsty. An empty tummy can make it difficult to sleep.

Another technique that I came up with (tending to be a more positive person than negative) is using love rather than fear. Fear being "if you dont do this, or stop doing that, you are going to get a swat/ timeout". Love being "make another choice". When my daughter begins to exhibit unwanted behavior ~ as you put it thrashing around ~ I say to her "that is not acceptable behavior, make another choice". I say it in love and not in anger. Now that may sound like a very adult things to say, but it worked. Most of the time she understands and I do not have to present her with other choices, but sometimes I give her alternative choices. I have been told by other parents that they learned simular techniques from a book / class called "Parenting with Love and Logic". I have not read the book as of yet, but I included the site for you.

Diaper changes are challenging at this age generally because they are very busy with lots to learn and can't stay still for something as silly as a diaper change. Silly to them. So I began potty training. In the morning when she gets up I sit on my potty and put her on hers. I tell her that when she can go to the potty like a big person then she will no longer have to have diaper changes. So far we have been at this for about a month or so, and she is beginning to be the idea. When I change her diaper now she says "potty" and I say yes and take her there and let her sit for a while and then put on the new diaper. Maybe his meltdowns are him telling you he is a big boy and ready for the potty.

I know this is a lengthy answer, but I felt moved to share this info with you. Let me know how it goes.

Answer 2

Incessant Whining

Answer 3

I just spoke to my daughter's doctor about this just yesterday. Our daughter is 19 months. She only has tantrums in public... just great, right? She is an angel at home 99% of the time and is very independant.
Once we go out and she wants something her way, she goes CRAZY.

He told me that time-out is the best method. One minute for every age. (so your son would be 3 minutes) He said to get an egg timer and sit them facing the corner of a room, with no distractions and to put the timer on. When the child hears the beep, they know they can get up. He said this may take 2-3 weeks. He also said to give them 2 warnings before being put in time-out.

hope this helps, I buy my daughter's bench tomorrow!! hahahah

Answer 4

Best advise I can give is - Ignore Him - When he gets whiny, throws tantums, if you are giving him attention at these times, that's what he wants, if you ignore him and tell him in a calm voice, (maybe once or twice) that you will only talk to him if he stops whining/screaming, if he doesn't stop, then ignore - As for the bedtime, first time go in and say it's bedtime, put in bed, if gets up again, just say bedtime once, and the rest of the time say nothing, put in bed, no eye contact/talking / it may take a few days to a week, but if followed through, they get the hang of it - thanks & gl!

Answer 5

this may sound totally crazy but a spray bottle set on mist works well. when he starts throwing major fits spray him once in the face and he will forget what he was mad about. also a time out spot. my 3 year old was an angle when he was 2 but now he is a hellian. the spray bottle works every time

Answer 6

the best advice I would give you is to not fight so hard....you say he's waking up, throwing fits for bedtime and such....then try co-sleeping....there is no difficult drawn out bedtime routine...invite him into your bed and you may very well see a lot of his behavior disappear!

not saying the co-sleeping is cure all for everything...BUT...it takes away the fight....it makes parenting easier, makes your little guy feel more secure when he is obviously desiring to be with mommy and daddy....instead of discipling him for his acting out try a different parenting strategy....and you'll likely get more sleep out of it too

good luck


And 'having too much fun" answer is great!!!...kinda goes along with what i was suggesting....try a different parenting strategy and work with the little guy

Answer 7

Children at this age are very smart, they know exactly what to do to push you to the limit. The best way is to just ignore him and put him in his bedroom, my son did it around the same age and he soon learnt, that by him acting this way, it didn't get him anywhere. Be persistant and it will work. Good luck!

Answer 8

i know i am going to get bad feed back but it's how i was tought never throw a fit and it worked quick spanking one swatt of my mom or dad's hand and that was it for me ! God Bless,Heather