Childhood abuser is dying... anyone have any words of wisdom?

Question

The child was abused physically and sexually by her step-father, from the ages of 6 to 15 years. The once child is now a grown woman. The man (her step-father) is dying. He has been diagnosed with intestional cancer; it is estimated he has about 6 months left to live.

The woman's mother never believed her daughter's allegations. Her two siblings (this is their biological father) believed her, as they were witness to many of the beatings (although they were never hit or sexually abused themselves... Thank God). Over the course of the years, this family has come to an odd sort of stasis... but this situation, I believe, is going to blow that stasis right to the moon and back.

Any advice? Has anyone ever experienced the death of their abuser? Looking back, what type of things do you wish you'd had in place for yourself?

Answer 1

Pray for them my ***, piss on the grave and knock over the stone.

This human waste has stolen enough from your "Friend" I wouldn't give the Mother an ounce of consideration or time either she is as bad as he for not protecting her child. She knew, they always know, they just deny it.

Answer 2

I would encourag the victim to examine her feelings carefully, with the help of a therapist to help her deal with this situation. As someone who has had to continue to deal with a father who was physically and mentally abusive I can totally understand her dilemma. I feel that she should take care of herself and her feelings while behaving appropriately towards the rest of the family. She shouldn't feel obligated to forgive her abuser on his death bed or anything like that. If I were in her shoes then I would be the one who concentrated on organizing things, cooking and supporting the other family members. Again, she should see a therapist to help her sort through this - she can really open up to the therapist without worrying about what anyone thinks and that may help her heal.

Answer 3

Just as there is more joy in giving than receiving, there is more peace and joy in forgiving than in being forgiven. If the abused daughter can look into her heart, and find the power to forgive, she will be the greater beneficiary. It will relieve her of the burden of hate. Even in its milder forms, all hate is ultimately self hate. Often manifested as what is sometimes called "guilt", loss of self esteem, negative feelings, etc. If she can relieve herself of the burden of hate, she will be a happier, more productive, more loving mother and friend, for the many more years she has before her.

I once had an instructor in a teachers methods class( he was speaking in the context of the misbehaving Sixth Grader, but I now believe his statement to have more universal application) who made the statement, "We all do our best at every moment in time." At the time, I felt and blurted out, "But that's ridiculous! It says nothing. It let's everyone off the hook for everything."

Over time and through experience, I have come to realize that there may be wisdom in those words. We like to think that we have "free will", but indeed much human behavior lacks a "volitional" component. We are all the product of our genetic makeup and our life's experiences. And if we could exactly duplicate those two components, the duplicate, would make precisely the same decision as its mate to every stimulus (situation) with which it is confronted. Thus, "There but for the grace of God, go I." Who knows what genes and experiences drove the demons within the step-father?
Perhaps this thought will help the daughter to find forgiveness in her heart, and also for the step-father to forgive himself, and with true remorse, seek the foregiveness and the mercy of the Almighty.

We might also look at the medical dictum expressed by many, "Every illness has a psychosomatic component." It is possible, to my mind probable, that the step-father's illness, from what I understand a very painful one, has a component of his own psyche inflicting its punishment upon his body. There are some who say, "Hell is here on Earth."

Hopefully, the mother has gotten beyond her denial. She must, or one day answer to her own guilt feelings. Surely, the eyewitness accounts of the siblings have brought her to a more realistic view. Her daughter must find a full measure of forgiveness in this quarter also. For the one whom she had the right to rely upon more than anyone else in this world, did let her down. There is much healing to be done here, on both sides.

The siblings too have their scars from this trauma. There is need for forgiveness and mercy all round.

Just as none of us is perfectly good, neither is any of us perfectly evil. Hopefully all will come to recognize the goodness which existed side by side the evil within the step father and which compelled this pitiful but pitiable man to commit his despicable acts. If so, there is hope for all.

If each of the players in this tragedy can approach the facts and each other honestly, sincerely, and with familial love, mercy, and compassion, each placing him/herself into the shoes of the other, "stasis" may be transcended and true healing and peace achieved by all.

And of course there is urgency here also. For indeed to the extent that each fails to make accomodation and rapprochement before the step-father dies, he/she is left with that burden.

You are in my prayers.

Answer 4

When he abused the child he gave her a terminal permanent condition and now he has a permanent terminal condition himself.
Captain Karma will take care of the woman's mother as well.

Answer 5

Threapy for the abused. Forgivness to the ones who did not listen when told. Leave the man in Gods hands and God will take care of him. I saw my sister get raped by my stepdad and no one believed me so I lived with this for years. Mom divorced him and years later we found out he died in jail. He was in jail for abusing others. I forgave my mom. My sister has come to terms with this and her life goes on.

Answer 6

He deserves what he is getting. You would think his death would give her closure on what he did to her but often times death is not enough. Nothing is, not them admitting it or being put in prison for it. The only way to get closure is by letting go of what happened, not giving it rent space in your head. Most of all I feel his death is KARMA. What comes around goes around. You do bad things and it will come back to you. It is the Law of Attraction.

Answer 7

i wish i could help you but i have never been there. i absolutely hate people who abuse kids though, so i say slow and painful is just punishment for this jerk. i am mortified that the mother didn't believe it!!! i would believe my kids in a heart beat. the person somewhere above me "sewer gas" is absolutely right!!!

Answer 8

If you are a religious person: Pray for him, and forgive him.
If not: Hope that his last days would be very painful, and let him know that he deserves it.

Answer 9

The truth is forgiveness is a universal law, just like gravity. My suggestion is that, though you may never forget, take strength in the Lord and forgive this person in your heart.

It can be between you and the Lord. Just tell him, "Father, forgive him, he didn't know what he was doing."

Answer 10

the man is darn lucky he has not been in jail which he so deserved~~~God bless you and you need not carry any type of guilt you were innocence but I am sure he will soon pay his price!!!

Answer 11

Pray for this man, he was a man pulled into the wrong actions, but the past is to long ago to regret. We can say sorry for all we've done, but that is all, that is it. Forgive him and I bless him. But he can't take back the 9 years he hurt that poor girl's heart, but he can heal to the most extent he can. Please forgive him and let him live, he still has his memories and guilt of mistakes, please forgive him God, please.