I've been with him for 7 yrs....still have problems....what should I do??? I need the guys point of view too..

Question

We've been together for 7 yr.. since we were 19..and we are also engaged...just currently this past November. We fight all the time because of the way he talks to me. He can be very disrespectful as in he always uses profanity when we discuss our issues. Even when we are not fighting he is rude at times...like when I call him he'll answer the phone saying "What do you want?"..or what ? He claims that I am his best friend but in actuallity he treats me worse than his friends...at least his friends get the best of him..and I am usually his punching bag. I am not completely innocent either..but I've learned to control myself with the bitching and letting little things go. I've been doing this for awhile now..and it seems as though he's taking advantage of it now. I tried to split with him and he says no...and to give him another month..I don't know what to do. We have isssues with communication..he never wants to listen and thinks I shouldnt compare us w others.. but we are not normal.

Answer 1

As long as there's no actual physical abuse, this may be something you want to try working out. Physical abuse is ALWAYS a deal breaker. ALWAYS. It concerns me a little that you say you want to split with him and he says no. You should never in any way feel threatened or trapped by your partner, and should be able to leave without fear of repercussion or harm. That is your absolute right - do NOT let anyone take that away from you.

You're 26 now, old enough to know if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in, and if this is the person you really want to spend the rest of your life with. If you have any doubts, give yourself permission to get out of the relationship and date around. If you've been with the same person since you're a teenager, maybe part of you feels like you've lost out on something.

However, SINCE you've been together so long, something is obviously right with the relationship, and could be worth salvaging. It's good that you recognize your own shortcoming and want to work on them. Remember the only person you have any control over is yourself - you can't make another person change.

What you CAN change is how you react to them. You teach your boyfriend how to treat you by letting him treat you the way he does. By refusing to accept poor treatment, you let him know that you resepct yourself and expect to be treated respectfully. Of course, you need to treat him respectfully as well, it works both ways.

You really can't compare yourself with other couples - you are your own unique dynamic. But ask yourself if this is a dynamic you want to live for the rest of your life. Don't let anyone tell you you shouldn't stay in the relationship, and don't let anyone make you feel bad for choosing to work this out. This isn't their relationship - it's YOURS and it's YOUR decision to make. What other people think is secondary to what's really in your heart. Only you and your boyfriend know what your relationship is like from the inside.

My suggestion would be to think long and hard about whether or not you want to make the relationship work. If you do, a counselor or therapist can be lifesaver. I can't tell you how tremendously helpful it is to have a neutral third party help you sort out your relationship and give you techniques to communicate better and fight fair. With the right therapist, your relationship can do a complete 180. I know, I've seen it happen. Also, don't let anyone ridicule you for going to relationship counseling before you get married. If everyone went before they got married, there'd probably be fewer marriages, but a lot fewer divorces as well. Getting help isn't desparate, it's smart.

And if your boyfriend refuses therapy, consider going for yourself. It never hurts to have someone to talk to, and more importantly, someone to listen to you.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

What should you do? Depends on what you want.

Look over what you said. Here's what we know:

You've been in this relationship 7 years.

He can be very disrespectful, rude even when you're not "officially" fighting.

You are his "punching bag."

He never wants to listen.

He dismisses what you say (that you want to break things off, that you don't like the way things are going).

So - the big question is, are you happy with the way things are?

See, without change on his side, too, that is what you're going to get - more of what you have, now.

If he isn't interested in changing, then he won't. No nagging, pleading, threatening will get him to change.

You're with someone who treats you with disrespect, doesn't care that you aren't happy with the way things are going, and refuses to see that there is an issue.

A relationship should give support and a safe harbor to BOTH people in it. If one isn't happy with the way things are, then you have to have a way to acknowledge that you have a problem and to deal with it. He's telling you that there IS no problem so long as YOU are the only one unhappy - so there is a problem, and a big one.

What should you do? You could:

Marry him, as things are, understanding that means that the rest of your life will be dictated by what he wants - what you want won't matter.

Tell him you can't marry him until these issues are settled - that you both need to see a couples counselor for premarital counseling. He'll say "yes," in which case you work with someone on your communication (and other issues) or "no," in which case you have to decide whether to go ahead anyway, knowing you will be facing a lifetime of of being insulted and ignored, or...

You can break it off and tell him that it's obvious you want very different things out of a relationship.

Marriage, without getting some help first, will make these problems worse, not better. Even a good marriage takes work, and if you two have no way to communicate when you disagree, and no way to handle it when one of you wants something the other doesn't, the additional stress (stress can come from good things or bad things) will make these problems worse.

Right now, you help to keep this system going. You complain, sure - which he ignores or ridicules - but you stick around. You keep participating in the system, even though it isn't giving you what you want or need.

Understand that you don't need his approval to want something he doesn't. If the relationship isn't working for you as is, then he should respect that, because he should respect you and want you to feel respected, cherished, and loved.

So what you should do depends on what you want. If it's more of this, then go ahead with the wedding. If it's something else, then you have to change what YOU do, because you can't change what he does. Only he can do that. Good luck!

Answer 3

I think being together for seven years has been too long for both of you. YOu both need a bit of space from each other.Move out of the place or if it is your place tell him that you need to take a break! Give at least three months. IF you see you can live your life without him then do not go back to him any more!Fighting and disrespecting each other is not a great sign in a relationship!I think you should definitely take a break from him for a while and see if you can find a better person or if you really want him in your life!Take care

Answer 4

It is obvious that he has fallen out of love with you. It also seems that he is accustomed to you. Love is a learning process, not an adversarial one.

You two may not ever be able to start over, just stop hurting each other. I hope this doesn't harden you. The first time a new love hurts you. Bite your lip , hold it in and when he's calm . let him know he hurt you, in a sweet defenseless way.

To prove my point. If you invited a total stranger to dinner and he knocked over the wine. You would wipe it up and say don't worry about it. THINK, What would he say if you knocked the wine over the table. Would he give the one he loves the same courtesy he would give a stranger? Only you can answer this.

Trust me life is short, be someones Love.

Answer 5

It seems like you both bring out the worse in each other even though you love each other, from what you say.

I fully believe in honesty and communication and if you cannot communicate in a relationship, you do not have a relationship.

It is never good to be with someone who doesn't respect you. You said you tried to split with him, I recommend you Split with him. I wouldn't even tell him. I would just do it when he wasn't there. I would take my things and leave a note. It isn't healthy to be calling each other names and cursing at one another and if you are not happy, it isn't going to get better when you get married. Things have not changed in seven years, they are going to now unless both really want it to. If you both truly want it to work, I think you need to split and then try some counseling to see if you can learn to communicate through a third party. If it isn't working for you, it isn't working for either of you. It takes two to make a relationship and although you are both use to each other because you have been together for 7 years, there seems to be a lot of work to do to really make it work. Both parties have to be willing to make it work. Hugs to you and best wishes.

Answer 6

You are sticking with him out of desperation. 7 years of history predicts a future of more of the same. You are 26. Time to move on and find a relationship that offers something different. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. If this is difficult for you, see a counselor for a while to discuss what other options you are hiding from yourself and why..

Answer 7

If you have been together for 7 years and he is treating you this way, he is NOT going to change. Give yourself the opportunity to find true love and drop this loser. Sorry to say. You can't teach an old DOG new tricks. You don't want marry into a mentally abusive relationship. And to me this is exactly what it sounds you are in now. Break it off. right now you can Break up. You don't want it to come to a Divorce. A break up is cheaper.

Answer 8

Something tells me that it's time to move on when you post a question on Yahoo!ANSWERS about what you should do after seven years.
Kick this guy to the curb and while you're at it get a restraining order. It sounds like you might need one.
Please for your own sake get out quick before it's too late If you need it there is help out there for you

Answer 9

The more tolerant you are, the more he may take advantage of you. You need to let him know that you will not put up with his rudeness much longer. I broke up with a my ex-girlfriend last October for the exact same reason. Just imagine a lifetime of that type of behavior. It's not worth it.

Answer 10

No one will respect you until you respect yourself. No self-respecting person would put up with the verbal and "punching bag" abuse. Draw a line in the sand. Ask him to go to anger management class with you (yes, WITH you). Make a list of the ways you believe that you mistreat one another. Make a date that you expect these things to be non-existent. If that date comes and the items are still there - GO!