How does a parent cope with the suicide of their teenage daughter?

Question

The background leading up to this family tragedy was bulleying at school, as ruled by the coroner at the inquest. However, as a member of a very close family and with 3 sisters who feel should have had some idea of what was going on, my daughter never gave any sign that there was so much turmoil in her short life. She was a clever, intelligent and sensitive girl and a great loss to her family and contempories. A great deal of people have had to undergo counselling to deal with this event but for me, her mother, the torment just goes on and on. I am coping very well with my life but don't know how to cope with the guilt and the grief of losing such a special girl. The grief will never disappear and the guilt is because I feel that I should have known that something was so badly wrong but how could I? She hid it so well and thought she could deal with the problem alone. She thought she had the solution. Little did she realise how valued she was as a daughter, sister, friend.....

Answer 1

One day at a time...

Answer 2

I'm very sorry. The pain that a survivor feels is unique to only those who have survived the loss of a loved one through suicide. The feelings you have are strong and real and are familiar to all those who have shared your journey. Only you can release yourself from the guilt. Your daughter likely showed little ambivalence in her decision or she would have been sending out signals all around you. Even if she did send signals that went unnoticed, she is ultimately the person who made the decision. It was her's to carry and not your's to burden. Her pain was greater than your love and that around her.
The place where you will mostly likely be comforted is with a group of like souls - other survivors. Your local United Way may know who provides such services or your local hospital. If you are not faith based in your dealing with this, I do not suggest going that route. However, if you are, you may find comfort there. Know that when you go to a meeting, you may or may not feel like you belong, depending on how long ago you lost your daughter. But the questions and answers that you can offer up to the others in the group may in fact be the help that you need for yourself.

As a former Exec Dir of a 24-hour suicide prevention and education organization I can say that the most profound commentary that I heard on this subject was from a telephone volunteer who said he grieved beyond reason at the guilt he felt for not seeing his father's suicidal intentions. He said his therapist told him it was grandiose of him to think that he and he alone could have been enough to have stopped his father from killing himself. In the end, it is the person who makes the decision to follow through. It is not your burden. Release it. Remember her in her joy and not her sorrow and perhaps you can find joy again.

Answer 3

First of all it's not your fault. I know you think it is but it's not your fault. A lot of kids who are bullied hide it because they don't want to feel like a "baby" or "tattle tale" and feel they can handle it themselves. Also, it's the golden unspoken rule of any type of school that bringing a parent into the situation only makes things worst for the child at school.
Just keep the rest of your family close to you because you all need each other even more now. In my opinion, you should attend some professional counselling. You will never forget what happened but counselling should help you cope with it better. I am very sorry for your loss and wish you and your family the best in the future.

Answer 4

First off, sorry for your loss. Only time will help you and even then you will probably feel twinges of the guilt you feel today. You say that a great many people had to go to counseling, are you counted in this equation? As a mother, I can't imagine what you are going through. We want to protect our children from the bad stuff and feel like failures when we can't. Talk to a grief counselor and a marriage counselor because most likely this will take a toll on your marriage. You need a support group, and not just family and friends who eventually sometimes feel that enough time has passed and that you should be able to move on; they can't understand, they are not going through what you are. Good luck and I will be praying for you. Email me if you like; take care of yourself and God Bless.

Answer 5

I am so sorry for your loss. You may not have had any idea what was going on. Teenagers hide things really well from their parents. You need to make peace with what has happened. The grief will never disappear.......it will only get easier as the days and years pass by. Just remember all the good memories you two had. One day at a time.

Answer 6

I am so sorry to hear of your loss, nothing anyone can say will take the pain away, only time x i am a mother of 3 girls, and parenting is an on going learing progress. If i recall my own teenage years as most others will agree, you beleive at the time that parents dont know and dont understand how you feel. Its down to wisdow, which comes with age,there where alot of things that sent me into turmoil when i was a teenager that i never told my parents about that hurt and worried me silly, i wish now i had seeked their advice on such things to have saved myself sleepless nights. i honestly dont know what to say to you, but my thoughts are with you, take counselling it may help or releive the guilt, dont blame yourself, you still have 3 girls who are depending on your love and wisdom x good luck, i know you cant feel it but here is a great big hug! x x x

Answer 7

Time heals. You will never get over losing your precious girl. One day the guilt you are feeling will go, you were her parent, her protector, her mother. Bullying is a terrible thing for anyone to cope with, one day maybe you could help others to cope with a tragedy like the loss of your child, maybe try to raise awareness about bullying. If you stop one more daugher, sister, brother, father from feeling the way your daughter did her death will not have been in vain. I wish you love and peace.

Answer 8

Oh dear, I´m very sorry for your loss and no matter what people say , they ( I mean we) don´t know what your are going through. One of my mother´s friends lost a grandson like this too, and it was all because at school everybody though he had stealed some money, he was just 13 and felt so desperate by this situation that he killed himself. Nobody knows if he took the money or not but I´m sure you agree that that was NOT a reason to kill himself.

It´s NOT your fault, your daughther was an individual who decided to hide her problems from you, you didn´t fail as a parent because you couldn´t have guessed she had problem. I know that nothing can fully confort you, but I sincerely hope you can soon find peace.

Answer 9

Like everyone else here, I offer my heartfelt sympathy to you & your family. I have been trying to deal with a similar situation recently (bullying, but it was my son, rather than a daughter) & it is not easy, so PLEASE , PLEASE do not think this is in any way your fault. You don't mention enough detail (nor should you) to gauge the situation, so won't get too personal here. But sounds like you have a loving, very supportive group around you. Take help when it's offered if you feel you need it. Never feel weak or ashamed of that. Also remember your other girls are grieving & have their own pain. LISTEN TO EACH OTHER.
I've lost children (diffeent circumstances to yours) but your girl will always be in your mind & in your HEART & eventually you do learn how to cope.
Hey, in lighter moments, what's the funniest things your girl liked? What's the daftest thing she ever did? Share the happy times too.
Easier said than done. I know sweetheart.

Very best wishes to you all.
XX

Answer 10

Went through this myself with a friend,problem was I just couldn't reach him even if I tried.
Felt guilty,because his last words to me was "You danced with everyone but me" it was New Years Eve and I ignored his sadness because it had been going on for soooo long.
Fact is, we are not phycs, if we were this stuff would or may not happen.
This deep sadness that happens in so many peoples lives is easily hidden by the person who is suffering.
I hope you can let go off the guilt we all feel when this happens.
We would have done our best to ensure, it would never have happened,but without warning, what can you do.
Most people that are in that dark place don't just say,"in my case "
I'm gona hang myself.
The candle may go out but the light never does.

Answer 11

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is not your fault.Unfortunately the pain you feel from the loss of your daughter will never go away. Seek counseling to talk about everything you are feeling. When you are up to it, you could take action on all that you have felt by volunteering or going to schools to try to prevent this happening to anyone else.