I know a 22 year old girl that is moving in with her boyfriend who has cheated on her and is mentally abusive. She is always telling me that she hates relationships and doubting that the move in will be permanent. Then why is she moving in with the guy. Why is she always telling me about it?Maybe because all of her friends are moving in with their boyfriends? She always tells me that if she didnt have a boyfriend she would date me. I just dont understand this girl's logic.
2007-03-24 09:53:06 · 19 answers · asked by Lou 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Manipulators know instinctively how to bend others to their will. They can pick an inexperienced woman, or someone who doesn't have the ability to resist others out of a crowd. The women are unsuspecting because no one has trained them to expect this kind of treatment, or how to deal with it.
Women who want to "rescue" others from their weaknesses are very susceptible to being drawn in to a relationship of this sort. It sounds like your friend is starting to recognize the relationship she is in will not work in the long run. She also sounds like she needs to be rescued herself.
You can have some conversations with her about her self development. I wouldn't recommend you tell her to leave. She needs to build strength and confidence within herself. It's difficult to recognize your own abilities when the ones closest to you are belittling you. Only insist she leave when (not if) this becomes a physically abusive situation, or just before if you see it coming. Perhaps give her a book (there are lots on Alibris.com) about self-esteem.
I also don't recommend you begin a relationship with her, even after she leaves, because she needs the time to build her inner self. If she doesn't do this before you begin a relationship with her, she will just become dependant on you. Think of the difference between ivy and a tree. The tree stands tall and erect on it's own, no matter the season. Ivy on the other hand sprawls on the ground, only standing erect when it has the tree to climb. I hope this helps give you a start. It's only a tiny glimpse into the problem. Pick up some psychology books to support this info.
2007-03-24 10:16:59 · answer #1 · answered by Jeanne B 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
She has a mental problem and low self esteem. She has made herself a victim and clings to her abuser. Many women who were molested or abused as children or young adults have this problem. Look at the fictional but very true to form character of Jenny in Forrest Gump. Instead of being with Forrest and leading a happy life with someone she loved who loved her and treated her great, he was even a millionaire, she chose abusive stupid relationships. She had been abused as a child.
This is not uncommon. The best thing she can do is not move in and go get counseling from a professional therapist. You have little hope of doing much with her because she does not see herself as a person of value.
2007-03-24 10:03:24 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not sure why she would willingly want to move in with this fellow knowing he verbally/mentally abuses her...and who's already cheated on her. Sometimes they feel so worthless from all the putdowns from her b/friends in the past or family/friends...Also he could be quite controlling so she's just doing what he asks of her. Eventually she'll wake up and smell the coffee and realize what a mistake it was...he may even end up getting physically abusive with her which ties her down even more with no self esteem or strength to get out. If you're a true friend I would try to point out some things to her, let her know you're only looking out for her best interests...and you feel this is a big mistake. Goodluck*
2007-03-24 09:58:57 · answer #3 · answered by friskymisty01 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's best if you try to move on. Probably the two years you spent with him wasn't all that bad. Maybe there were moments when he didn't treat you so badly. Maybe you have a feelings that the two years you spent with him will just go to a complete waste if you move on. But here's the thing, it won't be a waste of time, nor would it be a waste of effort or so. Learn from you experience, use it as a motivation to help you remember the feeling of being treated ill and make it a point that you won't let anyone treat yourself like that again. Before you can completely move on, consider why you two entered the commitment and why you two left it, and learn from it. This new person, whom you've met and started a relationship with, appreciate the person. If he gives you the treatment every woman deserves, one with respect and love, then maybe he's the person that the Lord sent you to heal your past wounds, and to help you move on. :)
2016-03-29 02:30:40 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm one of those girls so I can at least speak from my experience. My ex-husband was mentally abusive but didn't cheat. I stayed with him because of our son, because I was in love, and also because I hated myself and and thought no one else would want me. My current bf is a cheater but not mentally abusive. I stay with him mostly for the same reasons. I'm trying to work on my self-esteem now so I can stop making the same relationship mistakes. It sounds like your friend is the same and needs to make some inner changes. So often we get what we deep down think we deserve.
2007-03-24 10:11:59 · answer #5 · answered by paddington_ck 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Girls stay with abusive guys because they feel they don't deserve any one better. they feel unloved. they feel they are not worthy to be with someone better. get it? she probably knows she does deserve better some where down in her heart, but isnt sure because of the way she gets treated. she probably always tells you for support. real support. not just a man giving negative comments to beat up this guy, like tell her if you haven't already that you can help her as a friend. im not srue why she would tell you if she didnt have a b/f she would date you, that is odd, i am a women and well i dont know her but i think girls are stupid but i also think she needs help. i hope that helped.
2007-03-24 10:00:03 · answer #6 · answered by okey dokey 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Could be all kinds of reasons. Low self esteem, she could have been raised in an abusive home so she thinks that's the way things are, or she could think that she will change his ways.
Sounds like if you care for her, you should try to have a talk with her and help her understand why she is doing this!
Good Luck to you both!
2007-03-24 09:59:37 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that the reason why she's staying with him is becuz she's scard. He has taken full control over her. He and she both know it. He knows that she will always keep cumin bak to him. She may be afraid to leave becuz she may not no how other men are goin to treat her and since she's only usd to one type of man thats who she'll stay with. But sometimes once u tell a person a certan number of times then u cant do anemore. So then that's wen u stop and let them suffer.
2007-03-24 10:00:50 · answer #8 · answered by Tadia B ♥ ****** 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Most girls in your friends situation think that in time, they can change a guy but in reality, it almost NEVER happens that way. You need to talk to her because in time, he might not just be mentally abusive. I've had this same problem with my best friend and it didn't end very well at all.
2007-03-24 10:01:27 · answer #9 · answered by inuyasha_grl2007 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When women are subjected to abusive relationships, they somehow lose that primal urge or need to strive, survive, and protect themselves. Some women feel that there is no way out of the relationship. Those that think that way also believe no one else out there would want them. Possibly, the abuse could be deeper than you think. If you think she is in danger, notify someone. Her mother, father, whatever, or even the police. Domestic abuse shouldn't be taken lightly.
2007-03-24 09:59:20 · answer #10 · answered by trikelkelley 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋