I met my boyfriend on a dating site & we have known each other for 5 months. I live in Chicago, he lives in Houston. He has been to seen me 5 times & we talk/e-mail several times a day. We both are crazy about each other. He is very jealous & he says he is not insecure. He don't want me going clubbing, dressing revealing, or talking about any man from my past. When expressing my feelings on things, he misunderstands me & then twists it into something that it's not. Like this. I am moving to Houston in June, with my 2 kids. He just bought a 3 bed condo for us. He wants me to relax & take time for myself when I get down there. I am ok with that, but eventually I want to get a job. I don't want him to be taking care of everything. I made the mistake of telling him that I need a back up plan if things don't work out. He now doubts my love for him cuz of that. I try to tell him that you never know what might happen in the future. If things don't work out, & I don't have a plan, then what?
2007-03-24 09:35:09 · 8 answers · asked by SUNSTONE HAWK 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
if a girl told me that id react the same way wouldnt u..its like why do u need a back up plan u planning on cheating? or using him for a lil bit and then blowing him off? thats wat would go thru my mind i dunno seems odd
2007-03-24 09:39:07 · answer #1 · answered by dem boyz 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You're a highly intelligent woman to think of this. A backup plan is a good idea for anyone (man or woman) wanting to move in without the benefit of marriage because it's the most insecure position you could have other than "other woman."
Now look at the symptoms. You contact him several times a day after five months and he admits he's jealous. CLAIMS he's not insecure but did you ask or did he offer it as a defense of his jealousy? No man wants to hear about the men from your past, although it's unavoidable if it's a past husband. Dead ones should not be allowed to disturb the living, and live ones are best dealt with only as needed and not discussed. Past boyfriends are best dealt with on a "don't ask, don't tell" basis and this applies to past girlfriends, too. So he gets a pass on not wanting to hear about them. But he's not entirely off the hook so long as he's telling you what to wear or how to socialize. He twists your words to change the meanings of what you say and obviously wants you to be dependant on him.
I have a number of doubts about this and one is that I doubt anyone ever has to travel that far to find a suitable companion. What you've said makes me doubt HIS love for YOU.
2007-03-24 16:54:51 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He sounds a little on the controlling side to me. If I had a boyfriend tell me I couldn't go clubbin, or dress the way I wanted I would tell him to screw off. I don't think its wrong to have a back up plan or for telling him. If you have kids you need a back up plan, think of them because they should come first. I wouldn't say he was insecure, just controlling. DOn't let him control you! Set boundaries. Tell him you are going out with your girls and if he has a problem then tough. Let him know he don't own you! I would be very careful in what decisions you make with this guy because like I said, those are deffinate signs of a controlling man. You don't want that, it's not good for you or your kids.
2007-03-24 16:41:55 · answer #3 · answered by ROCKER_CHICK 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to stay RIGHT where you are. He's showing you some real big RED flags. You see them! Dont make a decision that you WILL regret. And especially, NOT with your 2 kids! You were right to think it's a good idea to have a back up plan. You are smart woman, now dont go and make a STUPID decision. Cut your losses. Move on.
He says he's not insecure, yet he feels threatened by your clothes, who you talk to, and where you go. Thats insecurity ALL DAY LONG!!!!!!!
The other girl sid she didnt think he was insecure, JUST controlling. HUH? Dont they go hand in hand? If you're insecure you feel the need to control everything because you cant trust the OTHER person's judgement. Right?
2007-03-24 16:45:20 · answer #4 · answered by FemFatale 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
By saying something like that to someone you are actually sabotaging your relationship. We refer to it as "planning for failure leads to failure". If you have a "backup plan", you are telling yourself that it will fail. If the relationship fails, you can deal with it and adapt. But, by planning a backup plan, you will always doubt if you put 100% into the relationship should it fail, and will eventually blame yourself for a portion (if not all) of the failure.
I would simply tell him that you just want to take care of your kids, and can't stand by and do nothing when it comes to their future. Being cautious is perfectly normal. Your children should always come first, and it is possible that your relationship could fail. You don't want to be totally dependent upon someone for the care of your kids.
What concerns me is the level of control that he is trying to assert upon you and the decisions that you make when it comes to your children. Your concerns expressed here show that you also have these thoughts in your head, which usually means that something is being sensed by you that isn't right.
Be careful and considerate of your decision. I am sensing that his insecurities could lead towards anger if you should do something that is threatening to his security. Perhaps you should sit down and discuss these concerns with him. Just tell him that you have past relationships that you don't want to share with him so that he can get to know you better. Also, that he shouldn't feel upset for you to go to social events and dressed as you feel you should be dressed. He should trust you and your judgment while you're out with your friends, and know that you are coming home with/to him at the end of the night!
2007-03-25 14:24:35 · answer #5 · answered by Mark V 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh, Lordy, girl, your feelings are correct, this is a train wreck about to happen!! There is a huge difference between love and control. Stay in Chicago or move to Montana or New Jersey or Lichtenstein, but do NOT go to Houston.
ADDED: Dem boyz, why does having a back up plan, in case she decides she doesn't want to continue being totally dependent and obedient to this guy make you suspect cheating??
2007-03-24 16:46:13 · answer #6 · answered by and_y_knot 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you've only known this guy for 5 months and he wants you to move in with your kids!!! it's definitely not wrong to tell him that you need a backup plan. and any man worth being with would understand that you need to provide security for your children. relationships these days are too unpredictible. if he now doubts your love because you are being a responsible mother then he's got some issues to work out with a therapist, not you.
furthermore, if any of your children are females i would not move them in with a man i'd known for such a short period of time.
2007-03-24 16:46:37 · answer #7 · answered by latreceh 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
he is right...he is not insecure HE IS CONTROLLING!
I'm serious 5 mths. is not long enough to go moving out of state esspecially with children!
it sounds to me that you need to re-evaluate your priorities
children are #1 you are #2 and he seems to want you to move first then ,not work ,then no reveling clothes what's next .....no contact with YOUR friends and famliy???
he might love you but seems to be doing all the taking
just think clearly and do the right thing by your children and yourself first.........he will still be there when you are POSITIVE it the right move.........luck to you..talk to your mom
2007-03-24 16:47:56 · answer #8 · answered by leroux3s 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋