why do i find it impossible to forgive people?

Answer 1

I have talked at length to someone who has problems that sound like this. It was something to do with the feeling that whoever has wronged her has in some way broken her own integrity in some way. For instance, in certain kinds of interpersonal abuse, part of the abuse involves getting some form of consent from the victim, maybe someone who's being bullied "consents" to it by mentally agreeing that yes, they are worthless, they must be, or it wouldn't happen to them. Or someone who is always put down, who starts to verbally agree to things they don't really agree with, which means lying in order to keep the peace.

If you are properly centred, so that anyone who injures you doesn't really reach the inside, it is easier to forgive, but this is easier said than done, especially if you've got quite a long past with the problem.

I haven't mentioned the religious dimension to forgiveness because if that really doesn't figure in what you are asking, it wouldn't help you. Some Christian believers who theoretically believe in forgiveness STILL tie themselves in knots by adding the problem of guilt that they aren't able to live up to the ideal of forgiveness...when they have a lot to sort out before they can even understand what the problem was.

Answer 2

The first person to forgive is yourself. I have noticed that people with extremely high moral standards judge themselves very harshly and tend to judge everyone else by the same standard.

When someone wrongs you, try to understand why they behaved in a way that did not meet your approval. Sometimes it is best to to talk things over and come to an understanding. Once you permit yourself to open such a channel of communication you will see that forgiveness is very easy to follow.

I feel more pain when I bear a grudge, I give people many chances to relate morally and sometimes they do and we remain friends, sometimes they prove irremediable and I move on knowing that the world is a huge place and there are many good people around for me to find.

Answer 3

Well, I once spent a fortune on psychotherapy to find the answer to that question. I can't answer for you, but I can tell you why I find it impossible to forgive.

My parents were both orphans themselves and were raised in institutions, Mom in a state orphanage, Dad in a military academy. Neither had the slightest idea how to be an effective parent. When I was growing up, every wrong thing I ever did was quickly and harshly punished. Now matter what the error, there were punitative consequences. It didn't matter if my "crime" was an accident, an oversight, or deliberate, I was always firmly punished for any behavior my parents disliked.

As soon as I became old enough to visit my friend's homes I realized that there was something seriously wrong with my parents. Other parents obviously weren't beating their children several times a day, every day, for years on end. I kept trying to run away from home, but the cops always dragged me back. (More beatings.) I kept trying to kill myself, but just couldn't get the job done properly. (More beatings.) Eventually, I just couldn't take it anymore. I was 18 and my father was beating me with a belt for a dinner plate my sister had broken and I just exploded in a blind rage (which to this day I do not remember). Apparently, I broke the leg off a chair and beat my father down with it while screaming, "Never again," over and over. This time I ran away and didn't stop until I had crossed several state lines.

All this went down over 42 years ago and both of my parents have been dead for almost 20 years. Not a day goes by that I don't remember how much I hate them both for my horrible childhood. They gave me life and then used it to torture me. When I was in my twenties, I had myself sterilized so I couldn't accidentally bring someone into this world who would hate me as much as I hated them. (My sister did the same.) I consider this my life's greatest achievement because my family's line stops dead with me. I've broken the cycle of violence and repaid my parents for my hateful childhood.

By the way, when my father died and was cremated, I flushed his ashes down the toilet and laughed about it for weeks. And no, I was never able to learn to forgive anybody for anything. That's why I prefer to live alone in the woods.

Answer 4

i think you might find it impossible because your probably tired of gettin tookin advantage of an now you probably feel that if you give in an forgive that people will always look at you as well we can walk all over you an that your not gonna do anything about it, but sometimes thats what you need to do an put your foot down an not let it happen no more an feel that maybe sometimes you cant forgive i dont know but i hope that helps you :)

Answer 5

Sometimes you have to separate the difference between forgiving and forgetting. Its best to forgive and forget, but if you can't forget, at least try to forgive. Some things are simply unforgivable. It really gets down to the severity of the infraction.

Answer 6

I cannot tell you the answer but sometimes I feel the same way. I just think of it as me forgiving them so I can move on with my life so it is benefiting me to forgive them. good luck

Answer 7

Hanging on to unforgiveness allows that person to still control your life and that is a terrible way to live. There is nothing you can do to change what happened, except to consider the person who has hurt you, maybe they are deflecting their own pain onto you, look at yourself, and remember that God made you to be the best you can be, with all the gifts and talents that He put in you, and you are being robbed by holding on to unforgiveness. In some ways that is selfish, and self-centered, because then you have a pity party, you become a victim and attract similar types of people and situations. So, take all those unforgiving things, write them on pieces of paper and burn them, and remember, as God forgives us and remembers our sins no more and they are tossed as far as the east is from the west, for us it is a lot harder to do. It is taking it one step at a time - see yourself as God sees you. Have pity on the person(s) who hurt you for their lack of self-respect, self-esteem to have to do those things to you. Shed it like a dirty shirt and put on the clean things in your mind, your heart, and your spirit. Walk step by step raising your head, raising your spirit by encouragement from friends, and people who care and believe in you. I have had many painful things happen in my life, and quite frankly it could have buried me, but I chose to live and live life to the fullest and not let anyone rob me of whatever it is God has for me - which is always the best and never second best! Hope that helps some.

Answer 8

i don't know but i know you are the one who suffers
from holding onto it

it's easier to forgive if you can understand the person you're mad at better. talk to them and really try to understand their life and their perspective. relate to their humanity.

Answer 9

When you can't let go of something someone has done to you and you are angry and want them to get what they deserve, etc..........it doesn't hurt THEM, it only hurts YOU.

It's like you drinking poison and expecting them to die.