I visited an out-of-town bridesmaid and met her boyfriend. The guy is a real creep, he seems devious, malicious, demeaning, aggressive, etc. He made my fiance and I so uncomfortable that we left after only being there for an hour! Bottom line is this guy is not allowed at our wedding, my fiance said so, and I agreed last night. I WILL NOT have my guests (especially the guests who would share a table) made to feel that uncomfortable for anyone...not even a very close friend who I did ask to be a bridesmaid!
So my question is...do I tell my friend that he is not allowed now? or do I wait until closer to the wedding (no need to stir a pot now if she isnt even going to be with him by the wedding)?
Side notes:
1. They have only been together for about 6months, but live together and "love" each other.
2. My wedding is in June 2008
3. I would tell her before she paid a dime for anything (I think we will buy bridesmaid dresses in Jan (there is a 30% off sale at a local store)
2007-03-24 02:00:01 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
You need to tell her now because if she really cares for this guy chances are she will be really upset and tell you that if he cannot go then she doesn't want to be in your wedding. You need to know if you are going to be down a Bridesmaid or not....it is only nice to let her know before she spends all that money on the dress and things for you. CONGRATS!!
2007-03-24 03:16:33 · answer #1 · answered by Tiffany 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Okay, first, the story: My fiance's cousin got married a few years ago, when his (fiance's) brother and now-wife were broken up (they were only dating at the time). They had been together forever, and still hung out constantly while they were broken up. He got the wedding invite with and guest, and was inviting her. The cousin's mother told my fiance's (and his brother's) mother to tell the brother that the "and guest" excluded the girl. He could bring anyone but the girl. Their mother told her sister (the aunt) that was horrid and ridiculous, and would not tell her son. The cousin said if she were at the wedding it would ruin everything. Well, my fiance's brother brought his girl friend, and all went well. And, they got married a few years later.
How does this relate? Well, my fiance's mother is right. Their relationship may not be something you agree with, or something you think you can put up with. But you can't say "Friend and guest, but not your live in boyfriend." You could not give her a guest, but where she has a live-in boyfriend, that wouldn't be right, because they're together. Plus, the fact that she is a bridesmaid gives her the right to a guest.
Now, you could talk to her about the guy in general, nothing to do with the wedding. You could enlist a friend to do it. Or, you could ask her if this is something she really wants to do (being in the wedding). Let her know you are so very busy you would be leaning on your bridesmaids a lot, and it might be tough for her, try to talk her out of being in it. THEN, after some more planning, tell her you're not sure if you can afford to have many of your guests having guests. Of course, the tricky part here is that it would be difficult inviting everyone with guests and leaving her out. And, if anything DOES happen between the two of them, you missed out a on a good friend being in your wedding over a guy.
Either way, tough situation. I would say your best bet would be to get togetherr with her. Girls' night, if you will. Then try to talk to her about HER point of view on this guy. Be ready to tell her how you honestly feel, wedding aside. The guy makes you uncomfortable, but you want to know what SHE sees in him. Where she sees the relationship going, etc..
2007-03-24 03:10:18 · answer #2 · answered by Just tryin' to help 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would talk to her now, if the man is that much of a creep maybe she is already having doubts about the relationship she is in and talking to you about your opinion could help her sort her own feelings out.
If she isn't having problems with him, then at least you have been honest with your friend and if she backs out of your wedding, you have plenty of time to find a replacement bridesmaid.
But please remember to respect your friend while you are talking to her because replacing a bridesmaid is easy, replacing a friend is not.
2007-03-24 07:51:50 · answer #3 · answered by willowlafaye 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's probably better to tackle it now. Then, you'll have a cooling down time in case you need it. Maybe your friend doesn't realize how her boy friend really is. Love is blind most of the time.
You don't want to get into buying dresses for the wedding if things are uncertain. When you talk to her, maybe you could start with something like: "There's something I want to discuss with you but I don't want it to harm our friendship". I think you would feel better if you could get this behind you so you won't have to worry about how it will be. Sometimes discussing things clears the air. And it wasn't as bad as you thought.
Good luck.
2007-03-24 03:05:48 · answer #4 · answered by Barbra 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
As a general rule, if you want the bridesmaid, you have to take the boyfriend.
You may get lucky and she may lose the boyfriend before the wedding
but I think you haved to be prepared to make the choice:
this bridesmaid AND the boyfriend
or
neither one
Good luck
2007-03-24 02:04:05 · answer #5 · answered by Uncle John 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I would think you would tell her now. After all I'm sure you're concerned about her safety, not just your guests at the wedding. If he's that bad of a guy, your friend should at least be warned. After all love is sometimes blind and it takes real friends to tell the truth even when it hurts.
2007-03-24 02:10:29 · answer #6 · answered by stormclouds18 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't wait. That's really bad. She's probably really excited about being in the wedding and all. I would go have lunch with her, just the two of you, and explain your situation. Tell her everything you said, but frame it in a nice way. Give her the option of dropping out of the wedding now. It's your wedding.
2007-03-24 05:41:34 · answer #7 · answered by benjis.girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her now..........if they break up fine she can still come for she will think then you 2 were right about him...or she willl still be mad...whatever...it is your day..you explain in a calm nice settled voice what your feeling are and what you do and don't want on your very special day...if she is a mature, true friend she will end up your friend after being upset....also you may not be getting married in June..alot can happen for you also.take this time..to ask alot of questions about, children, money., if the chores, money and children responsibilies are going to be shared or what you may not like his answers.........find out what matters first...before you marry........cause men do not change...if he does anything that bus you now it will get 100 times worse after you get married...trust me.....
2007-03-24 02:06:49 · answer #8 · answered by angeleyez1956@verizon.net 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
If she is regarded as highly enough to be a bridesmaid it means you are good friends or relatives ....I would talk openly about this situation to your friend after all if he is like you say she may be needing a hand herself to leave.
If she hates what you have to say you may have to look at replacing her.
sorry
2007-03-24 02:14:14 · answer #9 · answered by ozi_nut 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hmm, that's a hard one. While the man's partner is your friend, the man she is with is a total creep. Of course, you can't choose who your friend is with and it would be rude to do so. I think you might just have to 'suck it up' and let him come or risk your friendship with this woman. Of course, if he's so bad, you might want to talk to your friend about him and how you are worried about the choices she is making, perhaps he is abusive? Then again, it may not be your place. Make a decision. You know her best.
2007-03-24 02:09:07 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋