I am a mother of 3, and I understand that they want and need, stuff and attention,?

Question

I don't mind giving that. When I try to fill up my love tank with factual conversation with my husband he thinks I am nagging. I feel that unless we are "physical" he doesnt want to bother with me too much. I only do things that are family oriented or that pertain to my children and husband...that is all I have to talk about. We do have a tight budget but he doesn't want to talk about that either, like I am trying to accuse him of not working hard enough. I work too, but I make little compared to him and he doesn't mind reminding me of that. I get the sense that my needs are not important, even though I know I am loved. Should I let this pass, or will it pass? My life with my ex was like this, I felt that I had to please him but I could not talk to him about my concerns or needs. Why do people in a relationship get so defensive, and who is a woman SUPPOSED to talk to. I have NO family and very few friends. Any advice or opinion would be appreciated.

Answer 1

I think you married the same type of man again.

And not alll men react this way. vinnie (below) probably reminds you of your husband.

Sorry but you do not have to be anyones maid, sex object, etc. Simply because your work does not pay as much does not mean its not a contribution to the houshold and YOU deserve more - simply you deserve respect.

I think you should go back to scholl and get enough education so that you can get a job that pays more. You would have an outlet outside of the family and meet some friends.

I am simply going to ask this outright: are you being abused?

Answer 2

Why do you need factual conversation? If you are telling him something he needs to know,OK. But if you are always just talking about concerns over money or the same needs, he is probably already aware of the concerns and needs. This is why he says you are nagging and gets defensive. Try new conversation. Don't always just talk about problems. He probably knows the problems as well as you do. Talk about some common goals. Ask him what he would like to see happen in your lives in the future? Stimulating conversation about common interest can be good for both of you. If he loves you, he cares about your needs. He just doesn't want to hear them all the time. Quit comparing him to your ex, that's not good for anyone.

Answer 3

You must use your good communications skills ("I feel...") to get through to him. You can not let your poor feelings fester, they have to come out. Even if you don't get the result from him you are looking for, it will make you feel better to express your frustrations.

Try this. "You're right, I don't make nearly as much money as you, and I am hoping together we can figure out some fun activities to share as a family that don't cost too much.") Your responses should change based on what he is saying. The keys to this type of communication are "You're right..." and the transition word should always be "and" or "actually" NEVER "but". It disarms his argument for you to agree with him.

If you always find a way to agree with something he said and use that... like "You're right, you do work very long hours providing for our family, actually I am hoping we can find just a few minutes each week to catch up about the mundane tasks like paying the bills and then we'll be able to enjoy each other's company so much more during the rest of our free time together." No matter what negativity he throws back at you, you need to turn it into a positive and find a way to agree.

Let him think he wears the pants and boost his ego while silently you are smirking because you've actually gotten what you wanted without him knowing. I am sure this same type of communication tip has been used in various books, like Mars vs. Venus or Dr. Phil. Perhaps one of them would be useful reading.

And don't let anyone's negativity get you down! If someone gives you a gift, is it still not just a gift? You have the ability to accept or reject it. Don't accept negativity.

Answer 4

Hi sweetie,sorry that life is so hard for you right now but you have every right to your feelings and most assuredly your feelings should matter to your husband...he's supposed to be easy to talk too..he's your husband for crying out loud.As far as letting it pass, has this been like this throughout your marriage or of recently and believe me there a lot of women who don't even want to work,at least your trying.I think you should have a talk and tell him that if you can't have a mature conversation that you think the marriage could be in trouble and if he truly loves you he will listen and also tell him you are very open to hear his gripes about you as well and please don't interupt each other .I also want to clarify i'm not saying to leave just be mature adults and chat it out be4 it ends up in divorce court.And also take a page from the first marriage and ask yourself if there is more for you out there and also if it's this kind of guy that draws you into these kind of relationships.And also i wish i lived around you because girl you'd have a friend in me....I wish you the best of luck and i hope things get better.And also how old are your children ...if you had a baby recently you may have the baby blues may be taking things harder than normally.

Answer 5

This really may have more to do with you then with your husband. You might being thinking one way and he might be thinking another. You know, like, he may think everything is fine and you do not.

Some guys/husbands do not talk and some do.

Maybe it is time you do things other then ones that are 'family oriented'.

I think you need to get out of the house more and find or make some friends that you can talk to. Getting on line and talking to people might help also.

Answer 6

You are like 1000 of women who live for their children and husband and then one day your old and think what? DId I ever live for me? Usually we don't. Well I did this too. I am 51 and finally got free 4 years ago and I am living for me. I have 2 sons who I still live for but I do what I want also. I still have a very hard time putting me first but I know when my youngest is 18 I will. Anyhoo..if you want to stay married you get a sitter once a week and you go do what you want to do with who you want to do it with...even if it is doing something alone........take the time for YOU! Pay the sitter out of you money. Let him worry about the mortgage and all the bills...he makes the most and is the man..he'll argue IGNORE him and he will pay what need to be paid..if he won't help you get happy..do it for yourself...don't count on him or anyone for your happiuness..you do it..you can make it happen... but he'll pay them.bills.so.You spend your money on some new clothes...go to a spa..do something for you ONCE a week!! DO IT! PLEASE...God wants you happy!

Answer 7

I've never heard the phrase "fill up my love tank with factual conversation"! That's a good one!

You taught me something about how women see relationships!

To a guy, long detailed conversations about family issues and relationship problems wouldn't be thought of as "filling up the love tank" - we see as an ordeal, where we have to edit ourselves and can't say what we really think and feel, or you'd fly into a rage, so we have to guess what you want to hear and make sure we say it in a way that it doesn't make you angry or cause you to cry.

Can you understand why most men HATE having to do that?

It's very stressful!!!!

To us, we show our love by buying you stuff, doing useful things for you (fixing the roof, taking your car to get inspected, mowing the lawn) and financially supporting you!

We think we've "filled your love tank" when we do that!

And all we want in return is sex, good home cooked meals, a clean and well kept house and children that are well taken care of!

Men are a LOT simpler and easier to please than women!!!

In his mind, he makes the majority of the money, and does whatever major household tasks he does (doing the taxes, keeping the cars fixed or whatever) and instead of "filling his love tank" by having sex with him, you want to nag him about household problems and money isseus that he already knows about and is already worried about!!! He doesn't need you telling him what to do, or berating him for not doing things the way you would!!!

To men, that's not "filling the love tank" that's mental torture!

You really need girlfriends to talk to about stuff like this! You need another woman to listen to you, because your husband is not going to respond to you the way you want!!!

If you don't have friends, maybe start going to the hairdressers on a weekly basis and talking about these issues with your hairstylist or with the other women at the salon. Or maybe you should try and make friends with a female coworker who has similar problems - so you could share your problems with her, and she could share her problems with you.

Answer 8

Some people have a hard time realizing that they are NOT the only one with issues in Life. They sort of get this "Tunnel Vision" thing going. In some ways, maybe stated differantly, they are saying "Can't you see how much pressure I'm under here??" I am NOT saying this is the right way to handle these issues, just that it happens. I beleive that your Husband should be the sort of man, that is more than willing to not only hear what you have to say, but listens to every word for it's content.
My Wife makes more money than I do, I don't care. Simply put, I gave up on money along time ago, too stressful for me. Besides, I wanted to spend more time with my Famly and my Wife. They are the very reason that I got Married in the first place, I wanted and needed a Family. In which case, I must attend to their needs and wants, I must be available for them and willing to listen to them.
Remember that when you two got married, you stood "side by side" at the Altar, before God and man. You exchanged your vows to each other, to Love, Honor and Cherish. Your wedding bands symbolize your unity to each other, not one over the other.
That being the case, he needs to listen to your counsel, you have every right, as does he, to voice your opinions and concerns.
Some guys were never raised with these sort of ideals and views, by their Parents. So sometimes it's difficult for the Wife to deal with, but you need the time and space to sit and talk with him about this very thing. In time he will understand what your saying. It may even give him a shoulder to lean on when things are tough and he feels alone, and scared. Guys usually don't want to say a thing like that, but it occurs more often than you could imagine. Possibly, that is the reason for his attitude. Love is forgiving, and accepting half the load when ever! Marriage is a Partnership! Not a dictatorship!
Don't approach the situation with anger, but rather with Love and compassion, you may be surprised at what you find.

Answer 9

I'm kind of in the same boat, so u can talk to me. All I can tell you is that you need to do something for yourself. Find something that you enjoy doing, and put you foot down about having the family support so you can do it. It will make you feel better about yourself and once you feel better about yourself, you'll see your home life in a different light and it won't bother you as much as it does. Every now and then, you just have to spend quality time with yourself.

Answer 10

I think maybe timing could be important here. Try to wait until you are both calm and having a good day, getting along well, etc. Then tell him that you are feeling a little left out and want to talk to him about it. Don't use the words "you", "you always", etc. Talk about how you feel not who's responsible. Maybe he will listen better if you approach him the right way with it. He certainly should listen to you if he cares about you and your feelings. Good luck.