My mother isn't coming to my wedding, am I entitled to feel "ticked off?"?

Question

I am in my 30's and am getting married to a great guy in 8 months and gave my mother PLENTY of notice. (she lives on the west coast, I on the east) She likes my guy, she's healthy, has enough money, and doesn't work weekends, yet has used every excuse in the book: (I don't like to fly, most people get married more than once so why bother?, she's too stressed with work, its a waste of $ all for one day etc etc) Mom has been married 4 times & obviously doesn't take marriage seriously, but this is my 1st marriage & my LAST! My older sister has the same mentality & is not coming either & the 2 of them love to conspire behind my back about how I'm wasting my $ on the wedding. (we have a small budget but we're doing alot with it) I have been on my own since 17 & never have asked ANYTHING of them ever in my life including $. This is a HUGE slap in the face. I am so mad that I haven't talked to her in over a month. She knows how I feel already & figures I'll get over it, but I'm ticked!

Some people are just telling me to "get over it" and love my mom anyway bla bla, but its not that easy! This is going to taint our relationship long term because its the milestones in ones life that make up who they are to you. The fact that she can't make one sacrifice for me in 30 years kills me! Where is the line, you know? It will be hard to have the day and have people asking where is your mother, seeins how many of the people who ARE making an effort to come from far away DO know her. It's embaressing and unacceptable. But how do I treat her now? I am not good at making fake with people if I don't feel it, people know it, and I ain't feeling it for my mom right now!

Answer 1

Wow, that sucks. Why not talk to her, just have you have put it here. Just say, "Mom, I have some things I need to get off my chest. I would appreciate it if you don't talk, just listen. Here we go:
I am in my 30's and am getting married to a great guy in 8 months and gave you PLENTY of notice. This is my 1st marriage & my LAST. This is a HUGE slap in the face. I am so mad. You think you know how I feel already & figure I'll get over it, but I'm ticked! This is going to taint our relationship long term because its the milestones in ones life that make up who they are to you. The fact that you can't make one sacrifice for me in 30 years kills me! Where is the line, you know? It will be hard to have the day and have people asking where is your mother, seeins how many of the people who ARE making an effort to come from far away DO know her. It's embaressing and unacceptable. I ain't feeling it for my mom right now!"

This is literally just a copy and paste of what you wrote (well, I changed it so that it is suitable for talking to your mom, not about her....changed the "she" to "you"). IT IS POWERFUL! After saying this, just tell her thanks for letting you get it off your chest, does she have a response? If she continues to berrate you as she has, for your own sake, you must simply end it. Sure, take the high road. Send the invite. But don't call her with updates. If she responds with a "no" there's your answer, the only contact you should have with your mother is to say "I'm pregnant" "5lb, 8ox boy named Micheal" That's it. You inform her at the milestones, but you don't expound, you don't seek approval.

I'm sorry, it sucks. At least you have your fiance/husband to depend on and lean on! Good luck.

Answer 2

Oh dear what a horrible situation to be in. You have every right to be ticked off.
From what you say though, you sound as though you had to be pretty independent at an early age and perhaps don't have the 'best' relationship with your mum (?) so maybe cut your losses and concentrate on having all your other family and friends there.
It definitely will change your relationship, you are right. It is so sad but it somehow seems inevitable.
I guess you have told her all this too and probably burst into tears over it. Maybe try one more time and could your fiance ask her to do it?
It doesn't sound very supportive to say 'most people get married more than once so why bother). With three failed marriages I can see why she would be scarred by the idea - but that is her problem and not yours.

Look, I'd just try once more and then leave it - make sure she knows you won't get over it. It will be hard but it looks like there is no convincing her.

Best of Luck. Just be happy your friends will be there to support and love you and most of all your new husband and his family!

Answer 3

It sounds like your mom is a selfish woman who puts herself and her comforts before her own child. I'd say you definitely have a right to be ticked off. It would be one thing if your cousin wasn't coming, but your mom?

The only thing I can think of in her defense is that maybe she isn't as well off as you think. Even if you think someone has more than enough money, there may be expenses that you don't know about that would make coming to see you difficult. However, since your sister jumped on the bandwagon, it would seem that the two of them are just being spiteful.

Have fun at your wedding and when people ask you where your mom is, just say, "Oh, she was too busy to come." It will make her look bad, not you.

Answer 4

You can pick your friends, but not your family. I think there must be a lot more feelings involved than just those from this wedding. You will have to work out those feelings, and you will have to do it without your mom. It is a hard thing to do, and most of us probably never will.
Write her a letter, don't accuse her of anything, but explain why you want her there, and how important it is to. Leave it at that, the more you dwell on it, the less likely you are to enjoy the day, and it is your day.
congrates on makeing it on your own since you were 17, that is not easy. You are probably a good and strong person, keep that in mind, when dealing with your family.

Answer 5

First of all, Congratulations! I wish you all the best. Shame on your mother and sister. Regardless of how many times either have been married and divorced, they should be there to support you whether they agree with your choice or not. I think you have every right in the world to be this angry. Just don't let it spoil your day. Your wedding day is supposed to be a happy time with all the promises of the future shining through. If they choose not to share it with you, then so be it. Don't try to force them, it can't be done. Maybe just let them know that you are saving seats for them and if they show up that would be great, but if they don't that will be fine too. You don't need that kind of negativity surrounding your special day. If you don't talk to them, eventually they will call you and try to work things out. You can decide then what type of relationship you want with them. But for now, please don't focus on it. Just be done with the situation after letting them know that you will save them seats and leave the next step up to them. Focus on your future husband and how wonderful your wedding will be. Good luck to the both of you!

Answer 6

I'm really tired of people putting the title of "mother" on a pedestal. I have a mother who is emotionally unhealthy for me. While some people on here are insensitive to your feelings, saying "she's your mother so you need to get over it," I hope you realize that's not true. Mothers, despite being mothers, still have to meet expectations. You can't just let them run rampant in your life.

Whenever you choose friends, you decide who you want and dont want in your life based upon certain expectations. Maybe you've never written them down, but it's basically assumed that you don't want friends who will hurt you, etc. That, obviously, wouldn't make them friends. Now people, somehow, think that parents are different. People think that we should have our parents in our lives, no matter what- even if they hurt us. This is ridiculous.

It's natural to be mad at your mother. She isn't meeting your expectations. And your expectations don't sound too demanding at all. Basically your main expectation is that she simply show up on your wedding day, and she can't even grant you that. On top of it, she's directly opposing the basic expectation of all human contact- that she doesn't hurt you. As you alluded to several times, you're feeling very hurt. You shouldn't let her get away with this just because she's your mother.

Psychologically, there may be several issues behind your mother's actions. As you mentioned, she's been married several times. Perhaps, because of this, she doesn't take your marriage as seriously as she should; she thinks she can catch the show the next time around. Or, maybe she's feeling a little bit jealous. Maybe seeing you and your hubby will remind her that she failed at marriage- several times. It's hard to say what she's feeling, really. You'll never know unless she tells you.

The added input of your sister isn't helpful either. I would be inclined to say that your sister is siding with your mother to please her. You haven't given many of the specific details about the relationship between the three of you, so I can't be sure. But it seems like your mother isn't a very, well, motherly person. Especially considering that you say you've been on your own since you were seventeen. Your sister may be trying to please your mother by mimicing her sentiments towards your wedding. In some sick way, this could be their bonding time.

You need to talk to your mother openly. Tell her that, as your mother, she needs to meet a few expectations. Be open and honest and tell her what those expectations are and why. Tell her what will happen if she doesn't meet those expectations. Tell her you'll feel hurt, angry, disappointed. Tell her there may even be other consequences. You may not visit her if she makes you feel unwelcome, you might not call for a while if she doesn't show that she cares, you might not let her see your children if she's an unhealthy influence, etc. Those decisions are up to you to make. But the bottom line is- let her know that she still has interpersonal responsibilities which she must meet. Don't back down!

In the end, you're right to feel angry. If, after talking to your mother, she doesn't shape up, then you're going to need to deal with reality. You can't force her to come. Don't let her not being there on your wedding day ruin the entire day for you. Give her a call the morning of your wedding day. Tell her you wish she would have come, and let her know that the day isn't as special without her. Express your disappointment that she didn't meet your expectations, and reinforce whatever sentiments or consequences you've decided are appropriate. Then put her out of your mind and enjoy your day. You've got a new family to focus on- you and your hubby!

Answer 7

I would send her a well thought out letter explaining your position to her. Tell her you find it unspeakably cruel that she will not honor the one request you've made from her in 30 years, and that you feel that not only is it necessary for her to come but that your total lack of family support is very hurtful.

I am so sorry for your trouble. I don't know what I'd do if my mother wouldn't come to my wedding. But, I can tell you that if she didn't come, I would feel humiliated, and would probably never have a normal relationship with her again. There are some things for which you will always need your mother, and a wedding day is one of them.

Answer 8

It sounds like you know what kind of people they are but you still are trying to figure out how you can change them. You cannot change how a these "family" members feel about taking time out for the important things in life. They sound very selfish to me.

Do yourself a favor and turn the tables on them by being as nice and upbeat as possible. Tell them how beautiful your wedding will be and that it's really too bad that they can't be there to experience the moment. Try to turn it around, you'll feel 100% better knowing that you cannot control the way people act but you can control the way you react to them.

Good luck and have a great wedding!

Answer 9

I would be so ticked off as well if my mom used every excuse not to come. I commend you for not asking her for any money for your wedding. You may tell her and your sister that it don't matter if they where there or not b/c your gonna have the most wonderfull day in the world that day and it's just to bad that they can't be there to share it with you, but you understand that they just don't want to come ...Or something like that.. Also tell them that you may not be able to call so much in the next few months since you will be busy planning your wedding to your husband:D..and tell them that they are welcome to call though to see how things are going ..etc etc etc..that should take care of that ..lol.Good luck congrats best wishes!

Answer 10

There is obviously some history there that has left them feeling like they don't want to give you the pleasure of attending. How have you treated them over the years and is there maybe a reason there feelings toward you are so distant. If you have not been nice to each other over the years. if so you cannot expect people to turn there feelings off and on. If you have been kind to them and they are just being nasty and jealous, I say just think about the wonderful guy you have and move on with your life. Don't let this ruin your big day. It is they that are being small and have to live with there decision.