Advice? My husband is making me insane.?

Question

So tonight my husband and I got into a big fight because he just says out of the blue "It's time to let the baby spend the night with people" to which I responded, "No, it's not. I'm not ready and I'm not letting him stay anywhere when I'm not comfortable with it" Our son isn't even six months old yet, and I see no need in leaving him with anyone right now unless it was an emergency and we had to. Why does anyone need to keep him? Can't they just spend time when him when we're around? He's so dead set on his parents keeping him overnight and I told him no and he said "Yea, well we'll see about that" WHAT? How can he TELL me, his MOTHER, that I HAVE to let him do anything I don't want him to? I don't know what to say to him. (I particually don't want his parents watching him because, as some of you may remember, I had a problem with them when he was first born being very possesive of him and calling themselves mom and dad to my son. That's over now, but I'm still bothered by it) So yea, how do I convince him that it has to be BOTH of our decision and he has to wait until I'm ready? Just because he wants to, he thinks that's the end of it and he will.. and I guess I don't get a say. IDK, I'm so upset about this, I don't want him out of my sight.. let alone overnight!

No, it's not so we can be alone, trust me. He doesn't plan stuff like that and never will. I told him that if that were the case, I would consider it for him and he said that he doesn't need a reason to let people keep him, he just does and that's it.

Yeah, he's our first.

And no, I don't need any time to myself or time to sleep or anything. He's an awesome baby and sleeps for ten hours a night. I have plenty of sleep and there are no problems. We go everywhere together and have never had any issues. He just 'wants' to let his parents keep him for some unknown reason

We're actually going to counseling and it's helping, this just came out of nowhere. And, no..he's not really controlling on other issues, just when it comes to his parents. I can't say anything out of the way to them and god forbid I talk negative about them! (His father is a preacher) It's horrible. But other than that, as sad as it sounds.. I pretty much have control over everything else.. he's very easy going about everything else. :/

Dreamcat- My son has a good relationship with his grandparents. They see him every weekend because we sacrifice every friday or saturday and take him over there for hours. Several fridays the last few months we've all stayed the night.. why wouldn't that be good enough for them? How much more bonding time to they need? Im not willing to just let him go on a night when I'm j ust going to be home anyway and can be caring for him myself

Answer 1

I'm at a loss for how to answer this-- it sounds like your husband has more than a few of your In-laws' possessive qualities, if he really intends to go against your wishes with the baby for the sake of ??? I don't even know what makes him think babies are "supposed to" stay the night away from their parents in the first place? The only thing I can think of is that his parents have been nagging him about it and he'd rather deal with his wife being mad at him than his folks.

I don't envy you being caught in the middle because it sounds like he doesn't respect you or your feelings much. I don't know how you can make him change his mind, but you have every right to refuse to let your baby stay away from you for the night, and to choose who he stays with if he does need to at some point, for some reason. Probably any way you approach this right now is going to cause a confrontation.

You could try to turn it around on him-- approach him and let him know that the way he's treating you lately feels very controlling, and you have some serious concerns about your relationship lasting if he continues showing signs of pre-abusive behavior. Maybe that will open his eyes to the situation from your perspective, but it could also open up a whole new can of worms and show you a very ugly side to him if he responds poorly to the suggestion that he is being compared to an abuser.

Good luck. I hope you can find a way to compromise while still sticking to your convictions on this. Your baby's needs are the most important thing to focus on here, not which parent is wrong or right.

Answer 2

Your husband is pouting, kicking him in the shins, drawing lines in the sand, will only make him feel he has to retaliate by being an obstinate Jack A :) its how we men deal with being vulnerable. He needs you, While he loves his child and you, sometimes being a simple creature as most of men are, he wants what used to be "before there was a child", he wants the familiar that "made him feel safe", you will hear him ask that the child be removed for the night only when he is feeling neglected or insecure, this will happen often when he feels attention being taken from him and addressed towards your child, You are the "care giver" in your family group, that means give care to "all" the members of your group, I suspect that if you give him "specific attention", in fact not at the loss of the child, but create a scenario that looks like you are choosing to take care of him over the child, make deliberate actions that "your man can see you choosing him 1st" not all the time and again not at the actual detriment of the child, but as a show as a symbol, I assure you he will soon forget to ask you to let anyone keep your child and problem solved, men are visual we need to see we are important, that will make us feel better ;) any action or reaction of yours that defies him, alienates or points out other family members as not fit or poor choices will only make this worse, remember the grand parents had you both when you were (6) six months old and you turned out okay. do this for a month and let me know how it works.

Answer 3

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and know what you are doing. It sounds like you just needed to vent to someone about this.
The only advice I can offer (which sounds like you don't even need) is what I say to all of my girlfriends when their husbands or SO's are upsetting them is that "people will treat you however you let them and do what you let them do".
You are in control and you have the ability to say "no, what you are proposing is not acceptable and not negotiable."
When it comes to your infant child - you have the right to say something like that.
Perhaps just keep in mind whether this and any future issues are really worth causing major friction in your marriage over.
I know wasn't ready to be away from my first baby until he was almost a year old so I can relate. I wish you well.

Answer 4

Just came out of no where
for some unknown reason.
It's his mother pushing him.
Now he's pretending to have
balls enough to tell you how
it's going to be. Stand your ground!!
But in a smart way. No fighting,
no arguments. Just plain and
simple it's not time yet. Make sure
your mother in law gets the point.
That no amount of brow beating,
or bullying is going to change your
mind. Your son will be old enough,
when he's old enough to talk. The
person who cares for the child, the
most, knows more about him than
just how to change a diaper. They
know how he is feeling and what he
needs. (Without Words) Other people
who may care for him for a few hours,
would not be able to see small changes,
that may mean he is getting ill, or is
becoming frightened. But if he can
speak for himself, no body has to guess.
Everyone can relax, and baby is safe.
A couple of hours during the day, may
settle every ones nerves. They can't totally
ruin him in that time. Just because they are
related doesn't mean your child feels secure
in their home. You might want that first two hours
to be in your home.

Answer 5

you are right you are his mother and if you don't want him out of your sight yet so be it
what will he do take him to his parents then you can go and get him back after an hour if you even want to leave it that long his parents can;t tell you you can;t take your son

i never let my son out of my sight at that age either but since i was breastfeeding i had an excuse for a long time

anyways make sure you don;t make this about you not being comfortable with your son staying at his parents make it about you not being comfortable with him staying anywhere this is a battle you need to fight for though you are his mom therefore get the final say he can;t speak for himself yet so you are his voice
my son is 2 and has never stayed anywhere over nite


PPS back up plan ----- let him go then get so upset and worried not that they are treating him ill but that you don't want to be with him that you have to go and pick him up right away cry your husband will never tell you you can;t see your son if you are crying

Answer 6

I'm guessing that your husband is getting pressure from his parents to have the baby. Sometimes its hard to be assurtive with your parents even though we are adults. Tell your husband you understand that the grandparents won't to have the baby, but your not ready. Being a mom is the hardest job and we are mama bears when it comes to our children. Invite the inlaws to your house to visit. That way they get to see the baby and you call all the shots. Maybe if you give them a little the pressure will be off of all of you.

Answer 7

I understand. It sounds like to me his parents are pressuring him to let the baby spend the night. I think you must both agree. He needs to understand your point of view. It is hard to let go and trust others to care for your baby. It's how the human race has survived. I have a 6-month and a 2-year old. The baby has never spent the night with anyone and my toddler has only twice. Once was when i was having the baby. It's your instinct to want to keep them close and as the mom it's your perogotive. He needs to try and work with you, not mandate what you will or won't let happen.

Answer 8

My children did not stay with ANYONE until they were much, much older. If you are not comfortable with your son staying ANYWHERE, then he should not. How are you going to enjoy an evening with your husband alone if all you can think about is your son and what he is doing??? Tell your husband he is just going to have to be patient. When you are ready then it will happen. Personally for my husband and myself we were never ready. We finally just bit the bullet and let them go. They were over 10 years old by that time.

Good luck!

Answer 9

OK- I don't know any history of this--my son spent the nite with my mother at 4 weeks---spent the nite with hubby's mom 2 weeks after that--we needed time together and Gramma's needed time to bond with their grandson--there was no harm done and my son has wonderful memories of his Grammys (both have passed on---he was 5 and 8 years of age when they did). Oh well--I'm an ole fart and can remember calling my great gramma for advice---guess that doesn't happen anymore (sad part--I'm only 50!!!)--AHHHHH family!!!!!!

Answer 10

First of all, you have my sympathies. I am angry for you. My mother in law is a mean cow, herself.

Second of all, if your husband really needs quiet time, maybe he should go spend the night at his parents. My son is 18 months old now, and I only let him stay with my mom and dad when I have to. When he is older if he asks to go, he can go. I think a child should be given a choice, if possible. If they don't want to go, they shouldn't have to. Your child doesn't have the verbal skills to let you know if he doesn't want to go. tell your husband to stick it in his ear.