Can someone please make me laugh?

Question

it has been a long and tough week. Thanks in advance!

Answer 1

How do you get 4 old women to say F*** all at the same time?
You get the 5th one to say bingo

Answer 2

Here is a page with some fun jokes and riddles, reworked with the Mighty Orbots cast:

http://mightyorbotsfan.free-forums.org/mightyorbotsfan-about14.html

A few highlights:

Rob: Bort, I want you to come out to my place and ride my new horse.
Bort: But I've never ridden a horse.
Rob: Then you'll be starting out even. This horse has never been ridden.

***
Tor: I heard that your pet skunk doesn't know how to swim.
Bort: That's true. He jumped in the creek and stank to the bottom.

***
Rondu: My neighbor's mad because my dog know hot to fetch the evening paper.
Rob: Why would that make your neighbor angry?
Rondu: I don't subscribe to the paper.

***
Rondu: Is it true that you play checkers every week with your neighbor's dog?
Rob: Yep.
Rondu: That must be a very smart dog.
Rob: Not really. I beat him three out of four.

***
Tor: Can you tell me one the most popular uses for cowhide?
Bo: Sure; it holds cows together.

***
Rondu: I hear your uncle used to be a professional boxer.
Rob: Yep. He went by the name of "Sweet Chariot Simmons".
Rondu: That seems like a strange name for a boxer.
Rob: Not really. He was always swinging low.

***
Boo: Did you know it took almost a hundred years to build just one pyramid?
Bo: Must be the same contractor that remodeled my bathroom.

***
Bort: What goes 'clomp, ting-a-ling, clomp, ting-a-ling, clomp, ting-a-ling?
Bo: A cowboy looking for his other spur.

***
The Kid: Do you mean you had a straight flush and you didn't take the pot?
Kleptos: That's right.
The Kid: But what beats a straight flush?
Kleptos: A pair of threes and a twelve-gauge shotgun.

***
The Kid (about Kleptos): He always seems to win at cards and lose at horses.
Rob (as Orbots' Commander): That's because they won't let him shuffle the horses.

***
Rob (as OC, to Kleptos): Where are you staying?
Kleptos: Oh, we got a room at the Z
Rob: The "Z"? Where's that?
Kleptos: It's right behind the Y.

***
Dia: Is it true you took your blind Uncle Charlie skydiving, and he loved it?
Rob: Yep. He said it was the funniest thing he ever done.
Dia: Do you plan to take him again?
Rob: No chance.
Dia: But if he enjoyed it, why not?
Rob: Have you ever heard a German shepherd scream at 20,000 feet?

***
Mentalis got an "A" in philosophy class --he proved his teacher didn't exist.

***
Teacher: Spell "cat".
The Kid: House cat or pole cat?
Teacher: What's the difference?
The Kid: If you don't know the difference between a house cat and a pole cat, you've got no business teaching.

***
Rob: Science is advancing so fast, inventors aren't even bothering with building better mousetraps. They're building better mice.

***
Boo: Rob! Oh-No just swallowed a roll of film!
Rob: Let's hope nothing develops!

***
Boo: Now, she's swallowed a pen!
Rob: I'll be right over.
Boo: What should I do in the meantime?
Rob: Use a pencil!

Don't let the unfemulier characters scare you. The jokes and riddles works with any set of characters.

I hope I made you laugh. Take care.

Answer 3

I just caught a mouse in my underwear. How it got in my underwear I'll never know


what did the girl salmon say to the boy salmon?

spawn???? we just met.


why is the word abbreviation so long?

why when you write a bad check the bank charges you MORE
of what they know you dont have?

why is there a money back guarantee on somoke detectors?
great -lose a loved one and all your possessions but if the detector failed ya can get your money back.

we all know that there is a warning on hair dryers about not using it in the shower? ever wonder why?
because it has happened. In fact it happened at the manufacturing Plant: " ok Bob youre up for testing the hairdryer today. You're goin in the shower with it.


whats worse than a lobster on your piano?

a crab on your organ


peace

Answer 4

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.''

Answer 5

Once I accidentally farted in class during a test, so the whole room was dead silent at the time, and the kid behind me started snickering and then soon the whole class was laughing and the teacher thought we were all cheating, so then someone had to explain to the teacher that we weren't cheating but everyone was laughing because I had farted.
.

Answer 6

Abracadabra!
Darn it probably didn't work.

Sooo. . . . . .

I was walking in the hallway next to the guy my friend likes. Then our whole class goes like dominos and we fall over. The guy was like, "Sorry that I kneed (the thing on your leg) you!" and I was like, "ummm sorry I think of you only as a friend." ^.^;;

umm. . .

We have a weirdo in my class. We also have a bathroom attached to my homeroom. He walks in stays for like 10 minutes and then starts singing because he thought there wasn't a teacher in the room but a group of teachers had just walked in.

more.....

A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.

~~~~~~~~

My friend and I felt like fighting in the hallway and I was like, "he's my best friend" and she boch slapped me. in front of the music teacher. and I didn't get in trouble =3

I can't think of anything else due to brain damage in my basketball game.



but last thing. An average day at Neopets.

A n00b + spamming + boards "my boy freind* fell into the freezer! what do I do?" and "my toe is stuck in the hard drive!" and " my arms are stuck in the toilet. I'm typing with my tongue!"

Answer 7

okay, there was this question on here--------- it made me laf so it might u---------

there was this father and his 3 year old areson walking in a park. this female and male dog were "getting freaky" and the son asks, "what are they doing daddy?". of course the dad didnt want to have the talk this early b/c the son wouldnt understand. so he simply explained, "the doggy on the other doggies back hurt its front paws so the other dog is helping it get wherever it needs to go". thinking it was fine and thinking ------phew!----- close one. an hour later they go to the playground and this kid takes the son's toy. well the son came over and was pouting to his dad. he said "well look at that dad, you try and help a friend and you get f***ed everytime!"

hope it made you laugh!

Peace and Love,
Candy

Answer 8

Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"

Answer 9

One time I opened a yogurt, it said "Try again" .It was about a contest I was unaware of, but I thought it meant i opened it wrong or it was an inspirtaional note. "Try again Mitch! Dont give up!"

One time I bought A parrot who couldnt say "im hungry", so it died.

I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Answer 10

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A housewife takes a lover during the day,
while her husband is at work.
Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "£250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "£750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says, "£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and
makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and
closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

Answer 11

i will tell u a story from last year. mkay well it was during lunch and a few of my friends and i head for the bathroom. when we got there we decided to have a contest trying to piss over the stall and into the sink. my friend goes first and almost makes it but ends up just hitting the door. then i went and i made it over the stall but not into the sink instead it went all over the floor so as we were leaving a few little kids went in and we watched them run in there and one of them says 'im gunna go do my bussiness!' in a really happy and cheery voice and he went to run into the stall that i was in and he slipped and fell rite into the puddle and he said 'eww sumone peed on the floor, hmm oh well!' it was pretty funny.