I've been dating this wonderful older woman for about 8 months now and it's really good. She has a 7 year old son from a previous realtionship. Him and i get along great he even calls me "pop". I buy him lots of expensive toys and shoes and clothes without his mother telling me to. For his birthday i bought him a mini dirt bike. Now my friends tell me I'm spoiling him cause i don't have the heart to tell him no. But his mother hasn't said anything to me about it so i keep doing it. I just don't feel right disciplinting a kid who's not my own I let his mother do that. Am i doing the right thing?
2007-03-23 13:52:33 · 15 answers · asked by CJ 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I think your heart is in the right place, but i think your going on about it the wrong way. spoiling a child, ruins his life as an adult. It takes the spledor out of things. Having material handed to someone there entire life makes life bland and boring. right now eveything seems great but overtime I think you will see that the child will be excited about less and less while slowly deminding more and more. lighten up on the toys and presents. Spend more time with the boy, showing him how to live life righteously, by leading him from example. He probably looks up to you and will cling to everything you say / do. Let the mother discipline his downfalls and you steer him away from them.
2007-03-23 14:51:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That IS a toughie my friend. From an outsiders presepective, if you are providing *especially very nice, expensive toys and essentials such as clothes* you should have the right to be a disciplinarian. However, the mother, your girlfriend, may look at it as oh, he loves my son and is constantly buying him things, they have a good relationship, let me not interviene- but when the son gets out of line, it may become a dual role.
The only REAL way to figure this out is to talk with the mom. Tell her you buy her son things because you WANT to, not because you feel guilty. You need to establish if your giving is appreciated or not BY THE MOM. She could simply be being polite, or she could have feelings about showering her son with gifts- if she hasn't said anything... well... that seems really strange. If a man I hadn't been with for at least a few years started doing those types of things for my kids, I would wonder if he had other intentions or was just being nice- but I would verbalize me appreciation AND concerns.
Bottom line- seems like yall need to talk, not just about the gifts and discipline but also where you stand in her son's life. Hope that helps a little :)
2007-03-23 21:01:53 · answer #2 · answered by heather 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, but you may need to show that you also care in what is wrong and what is right, If the mother really likes you you can be a father figure also and make sure that you give but also say no not at this time. I have taken on 4 children and now I am there step mother and very proud
2007-03-23 21:12:54 · answer #3 · answered by Mistical 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes and no. yes, for not disciplining him because you are not his parent. you can be supportive of him and his mother when discipline is meted out by understanding his mother's side as an adult providing guidance, and his by being there if he wants to talk.
as far as all of the gifts are concerned, you are not doing the right thing. a child isn't going to tell you not to buy him/her anything and i wonder if you're trying to buy the great relationship you speak of between yourself and the 7 year old. plus as a thinking adult, you've got to know that giving a child everything he/she wants or just plain showering with gifts sends the wrong message. you need to let up on the gifts whether or not mom says anything.
gifts does not a relationship make.
2007-03-23 21:08:20 · answer #4 · answered by loving 40+ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
buying expensive toys is not good for any kid, be it your own or not. Of course the kid is going to get spoiled if you buy him all kinds of expensive things. Back off a little. Kids don't need all that stuff anyway
2007-03-23 21:39:09 · answer #5 · answered by starla_o0 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course you're doing the right thing! You sound like an EXCELLENT man to both your girlfriend and her son. They're both really lucky to have met you. I agree that you shouldn't be the main disciplinarian, because he has lived 7 years without you, and his mother should really be doing that. When he's a teenager, if you're still around, that's a different story, but for now, I'd just work on building a good relationship with him and let his mom do the dirty work. lol
2007-03-23 20:58:06 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
your doing the wrong this take it from me i had similar problems with my boyfriend and i have an 8 year old your spoiling the kid and he's not going to listen to you if there ever is a time when you have to discipline him and don't leave it all up to the mom to discipline him when you date a single mom you get both of them not just her
2007-03-23 21:01:43 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
theres nothing wrong with buying kids nice things but sometimes u have to draw a line just cut out on some things and maybe just give him gifts on special occasions like a good report card and things like that
2007-03-23 21:56:56 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
No your not. He will expect it now and he will expect it when he gets older. Give him more of your personal time than buying him things. Believe me, it will work in the long run.
2007-03-27 11:37:52 · answer #9 · answered by God Bless America 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if you and her are going to marry it would be best if you slowed down on the gifts and maybe put the money you would spend in a college fund...when two people marry and one has a child most of the gifts they would receive while dating they wouldn't get after marrying to stop the you hate me reaction you could get this is my suggestion
2007-03-23 20:59:56 · answer #10 · answered by prettygirl_80650 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋