should i help my fiance with his debt?

Question

mark and i have been going with each other for 4 yrs and engaged for 5 mons.he has money "problems" from his last marrage(divorce,child support ect) which left him in debt of 24k.well he came to me and asked me to help(pay off) his debt he knows i have the money(my mistake).when i asked him if i said no whould he leave me.he said he would have to reevaluate our relationship as he would do it for me and could not understand why i would not help him out.am i wrong in feeling he should not have asked me or hurt in his round about way of telling me he will leave leave me if i don't?

Answer 1

My fiance was not only in debt, but had several deliquent accounts. He did not ask me to financially contribute to reducing his debt. But I knew how important financial stability would be for the health of our marriage. So I decided to sit down and talk with him and let him know that we needed to come up with a plan to get his deliquent accounts current and his debt under control before we were married.

I helped him gather all the bills for his outstanding debt, establish a budget, and establish payment arrangements to get his debt under control. He was very receptive to this. We agreed that we would continued to have seperate bank accounts during our engagement. He was solely responsible for paying his bills and I was solely responsible for paying mine. After we accounted for our household bills and payment arrangements for outstanding debts, we came up with a realistic wedding budget that we could afford. We decided upon a specific amount that each of us would set aside in savings every month towards the cost for our wedding. Since his priority was to get his accounts current and my bills were under control, we decided that I would contribute more towards the wedding each month so he can get his bills caught up and paid off.

Even though I did not financially contribute towards reducing his debt, we still worked together as couple to address the issue. We had a long engagement so we could resolve financial issues and have extensive pre-marital counseling. So by the time we were married, neither of us had much outstanding debt, with the exception of school loans and car notes.

I suggest you have a serious heart to heart with your fiance. Let him know that his request for your financial assistance made you feel uncomfortable. Be honest with him about your concerns of contributing financially since the two of you are not currently married. Reassure him that you understand his situation and are willing to work with himto resolve it by helping him reevaluate his finances and establish a budget and payment plans. You might also suggest that the two of you go see a debt counselor to help him come up with a plan to get everything paid off. If he has concern that you are not willing to financially contribute prior to your marriage, then I think you may need to reevaluate whether this will be a healthy relationship for you to pursue.

Answer 2

I understand your compasssion for your future husband, but the idea that you would lose him because you don't pay his debt is ridiculous. You obviously have a little money saved. Be proud of yourself. The qualities that most women desire in a husband include self-discipline. Let him show you that he takes your financial future as a couple seriously. If he shows you he is actively addressing this issue you may have grounds to make things a little easier for him. If he is living in denial, recurring financial problems could very well end up being a problem for you as a couple. Husbands are like children, reward good behavior and remember to set an example. Bringing yourself out of debt builds character and self-confidence and is a valuable learning experience. Tell him if he loves you he will do everything he can to go into this marriage with a clean slate, if he refuses to make a valiant effort you need to do some thinking.

Answer 3

That's a tough situation, especially now that the questions has been put on the table. I would think that since you've been together 4 years and seem to have previous knowledge of his debt, that he's not just in the relationship for your money. I would hope that when you get married, you plan to pay off whatever debt of his you can, as you wouldn't want it to hurt your financial situation as a couple. My sister was in a lot of debt when she got married and her fiance (now husband) knew about it. He didn't pay a dime of it until they were married and had joint accounts. She didn't expect him to pay anything beforehand and it was never discussed. He understood his responsibility, and that as a couple, her debt is now his debt. I'm sure your fiance is feeling bad about the situation and knows he is causing you stress, but if you can't get past debt (that you said you have the money to pay off) there's going to be many other things that are going to cause you problems in the future. Just explain to him that when you get a joint account and are married, you will pay off "your" debt. Good luck!

Answer 4

well what's the rush? if his debt will become yours (unless you get a prenup) then why doesn't he/you wait till you are married to pay off the debt together (not just you). If he's willing to 're-evaluate' if you don't pay now then what does that say if you do pay some and not all - he'll always have an excuse to 're-evaluate'. I think he should understand that you would want to wait till you're married before paying his bills. besides he got himself into that mess he can be patient for a little help.
good luck with this one - personally i see a red flag when he says he could leave if u don't give him money- is that the way you want your relationship.
God Bless!

Answer 5

Well, one thing to consider is once you get married, his debt becomes yours as well. HOWEVER...The one thing that wenty through my mind is that he could potentially be with you for this reason as well. Obviously that will be harmful to you in the end. I would evaluate the situation and see has he been responsible about it thus far? Has he made any attempts at trying to pay it off himself? Does he have the capability at paying it off? Why did his last marriage end? Is he responsible when it comes to money? If he had money to start paying some of this down, what did he do with the money?

I just think you need to go into this being smart not out smarted!! Just take a few days to consider what all 'could' be happening!!!

Answer 6

the key words here are "in his round about way of telling me he will leave me if i don't", read that sentence a few times. 24K is a lot of money for anyone and I think you need to look at why he would leave you if you don't, I agree with the person mentioning a prenup or an agreement. He also already has one divorce, which left him with alot of problems and if that was 4 years ago what has he done in those 4 years to get out of debt, or prevent himself from getting into it.

Money is a huge issue in marriage, and he's very much in debt, so you also need to look at how he handles money, because once your married he has access to your funds too.

Answer 7

You are under no obligation to help him with his debt. That debt is from a previous marriage that you were not involved in and have no responsbilities for. He should not have asked you to help out - his debt is his debt. It's another story when you're married, but even then, the bulk of the debt should be his with you only helping out occassionally (if at all - you are under no obligation).

You need to stick up for yourself. Tell him that his debt from a previous relationship is not your responsibility. You are not his money horse; you're his fiancee. If he wants someone to foot his bills, then maybe he should marry the bank.

I'm mad for you for what he's asked you to do! He was rude and his hidden threats show me that maybe you're the one who needs to re-evaluate the relationship. This guy is a jerk.

Answer 8

Unfortunately your boyfriend is looking for someone to help him out of a situation he got himself into so I wouldnt start helping him because he will expect you to help him everytime. If he's having financial troubles he knew the debt was going to hit him from the divorce and then child support. His debt is not your problem and I would keep and maintain separate bank accounts because you don't want to be responsible for his debt and any expenses he accumulated before the marriage.

You love him, but his debts are his problems not yours and you are not going to help him out of this he's got to deal with this on his own.

Answer 9

If I was your boyfriend, I won't ask you to pay off my debt.

If I was your boyfriend, if it means getting 6 jobs to clear my mess or at least get it under control I would do it.

If I was your boyfriend I would not manipulate you into paying off my debt.

I feel that a man who is working extremely hard in his endeavours would attract help and sympathy, because the world can see that he is making efforts and not going about asking people to pay off the debt he has accumulated.

If your conscience really wants you to help him, you can give him a small token you can afford to loose, even if he does not return it. e.g child support for 1 or 2 weeks.

If I was you, I would start to re-evaluate a relationship I have with someone who has been with me for 4 years, no future, no plans for marriage, you are not getting any younger, he is in a financial mess, drama and baggage from his past who is now being manipulative.

If he really, really, really needs your help he won't ask you in a manipulative way, he would rather beg you and make it in such a way that you will not feel threatened.

Answer 10

Wow;

I am a cert. debt counselor and relationships can cause the most debt, in fact it is one of the top six reasons for filing bankrupt. My advice is get a pre-nup before you marry that way you won't assume the debt. that he created before you. And as for his comments it is easy for him to say because it only affects you and my question to you would be if he is considering re-evaluating now, what will stop him from walking out the door when you have voluntarily paid his debt? If I were you I would be in the driver's seat and do a little re-evaluating on your own. There is know way you can enter a trusting relationship that has started with demands and threats...