Unsupportive?

Question

My parents have been awful ever since they found out i'm pregnant. I've never had the best relationship with them but they're going out of their way to be nasty now. They show no support and constantly tell my fiance and I that we'll fail at being parents, when they have nothing to support this claim! It's a shame bacause as much as my fiance tells me to forget seeking their approval, I can't help jumping to their defence as they are my parents and I feel loyal. It's kinda sad :( x

I deserve to be supported. And I wouldn't ask the question if I felt I didn't

Answer 1

It sounds like you are having a hard time but you do have an obviously caring partner and that is worth its weight in gold.
Sometimes the only way you can convince people like your parents is by showing them. Do the best you can, the fact you are troubled by this situation tells me that you are very caring and considerate and I think you will make a Brilliant Mum. Good Luck for the future.

Answer 2

You're right to be sad because it is a loss and I hope they realise this before it's to late and they don't have the opportunity to make a relationship with your new little family. Of course they may be basing their feelings on worry and of course LOVE for you. Us parents are funny old things you know (as you will find out soon) because all we mostly want is for our children (even when grown up we worry) to have the best life and be happy. And I think feelings can sometimes get in the way of this. As parents we have to accept that our children become adults and make up their own minds about relationships and life choices. IT'S HARD FOR US lol. You know your loyalty to them is ABSOLUTELY LOVELY and graceful so I hope that they come to their senses sooner rather than later and support you. In the mean time you will do your very best as a mum to be and DON'T burn your bridges cos you sound a lovely loving daughter who deserves attention from parents.

You don't actually need their approval to be a good Mum. xx

Answer 3

It is a shame they are reacting like this. However much your fiance tells you not to mind them, you can't help it.
Would you feel about keeping a polite distance until they begin to behave themselves? You know the old thing about if your head hurts, stop banging it against the wall?
Ask yourselves, what do you and your fiance right now from other people? Then if your parents start complaining again, how would you feel about expressing those needs? Or saying something like 'We are together and we have this baby and we are going to make a success of our lives together whatever you think. If you are not 100 per cent behind us I am sorry, but that is not going to change our opinion.'
You say your relationship with them has never been good.
Do you feel they are trying to undermine your relationship with your partner?
Do you think that you might have to sacrifice them to make a success of this more hopeful relationship?
Do you think they will make you very unhappy, trying to satisfy both them and him?
Have they always been critical like this, or are they upset about the sudden change in your life?
The trick will be to use your united strength against them. If you are both honest about how their behaviour is making you feel, and work out strategies that you both can stick to when dealing with them, then they will have less chance of making trouble.
Good luck and enjoy parenthood - I am sure you will make very good parents.

Answer 4

Maybe just give them some time. I don't know your situation, but they are probably shocked and disappointed. Once they accept you are bringing a new life into the world, they may come around b/c I'm sure they are going to want to be a part of the child's life. I would talk to your fiance and work really hard on proving that you are responsible and that you can be both be good parents, b/c it seems like you really need them to acknowledgment that. Every body needs support and love! Good Luck! : )

Answer 5

I'm sorry to here of your trouble, but i think your parents might have a hidden agenda! maybe there scared you will make a better parent than them? or that they are losing there control over you and by putting you down is a way of them being in control? What i would do is give you and your parents some distance, it maybe hard and you maybe loyal but your not stupid! you need to think about your baby and whats best for it. Your parents will soon come round it might even take as long as the baby being born but you both need space, good luck

Answer 6

My parents were exactly the same but you are having a baby which will be their grand-son or daughter, they will love the baby there's no way they won't but perhaps they had higher expectations of you. Remember you are very emotional because you are pregnant and the slightest thing sets off the tears. Pregnancy can be tough for some people but as long as you've got the support of your partner then it will all work out OK eventually.

Answer 7

I had my first child (in 1969) when I was 17. My father went crazy. He called my baby a bastard and told me that I couldn't bring it home with me. Since I had another year of school to finish I caved in and gave the baby up for adoption.

During my senior year I got pregnant again (different guy) and was 4 months pregnant when I graduated (1970). The guy deserted me and I ended up putting that baby up for adoption as well.

Why am I telling you this? Because I KNOW what you are feeling about your parents. I have been there.

It took a long time, but eventually my parents and I reconciled.
They asked me to forgive them for not supporting me.
I am sure that your parents will come around.
Forgive them, keep loving them, and once they see their beautiful grandchild they will soften up.
If they don't, give them time.

In the meantime, enjoy this wonderful time in your life. Look with joy towards the miracle you will give birth to.

Blessings to you and your fiance.

Answer 8

Your parents are probably dissapointed I dont know. If they do say some bad things to you I would avoid passing the info onto fiancee as a way of cancelling out the "being mad then feeling guilty" issue. When you have your baby you will know that there is no way you will let him/her down or let them want for anything but im sure you mam and dad will come around even if its only a bit. GOOD LUCK

Answer 9

You don't need that kind of negative energy from your parents. You are pregnant and it could harm the baby. This may hurt a little but try to distance yourself from your parents if you can. When they say negative stuff just ignore it and not say anything. This will show them that you are mature and ready to handle whatever comes your way. I think when the baby comes they will be more supportive.

Answer 10

It's not really clear what you are asking for in your statement. I will throw some things out here and hope they address your need.

Speaking as a parent myself, hopefully I can give you some insight about parents and maybe your own parents. My son is now 36 going on 37. At the age of 12 he was going on 18, or so he thought. It was a difficult time for the whole family, especially since he is the only child.

Often times parents see themselves through their children and believe their children are a reflection of themselves. So when the child doesn't meet up to the standards that the parents are expecting, the parents become dissappointed. Some parents don't take it well and become angry. Without meaning to they take it out on the child and the lines of communication become distorted and broken. It is important to always keep the right perspective between parent and child. One must remember they are the parent and the parental love and acceptance of the child is priority. That doesn't mean one condones inappropriate behavior. Such behavior must be disciplined with love and understanding and sometimes must be punished. The love must stay in place at all times. Parents are to train children to be successful in society so they may be respected by others and contribute to the community. It is essential to observe the child to see where that child is gifted and what the child enjoys so those areas may be developed.

Some parents haven't learned this and see their children as an obligation and when the child doesn't develop to their 'expectations' they feel they have failed and the child is making them look bad in their community.

My husband didn't feel he had his mother's approval. He strove many years seeking it and his heart broke not receiving it. Your fiance is correct in telling you not to focus on seeking your parents' approval.

Do you approve of yourself? Are you who you want to be? What do you want to be? Now you are a mother. Focus on being the best mother you can become. Not for your parents, for yourself. Focus on being the best humanbeing you can be, for yourself.

It is admirable that you are loyal to your parents. Be careful of blind loyalty. Yes, your parents should have your respect and honor. They didn't throw you away, they gave you life and met your basic needs. Now that you have that life, your are of age to make choices to make your life the best it can be, one that you are proud of and respect.

If your parents are going out of their way to be nasty, that is not behavior you should jump to the defense of. You do need to find common ground you can communicate on with your parents. They are feeling a loss. For whatever reason you have not met their expectation and they are not meeting your's. Find a way you as a family can grieve those losses and move forward. It calls for unconditional love. That kind of love doesn't have any strings attached. It isn't a kind of love that says, "I will love you if....." it says, "I love you for you period." It doesn't happen over night, but with patience, it can happen.

You are who you want to be. Nurture yourself to be your very best and pass that unconditional love onto your unborn child. You are the beginning of a new generation. Regardless of whether your parents ever approve of you, you must go on with your life and find that approval you need from other sources. Make sure you're looking for healthy approval. There is a difference between approval and acceptance. We can accept someone and not approve of their actions and/or life.

I found my approval in Christ. I didn't have appropriate love from my family. One day when I was 15 years of age, I found appropriate love. That love kept me from making some of the worst mistakes I could have made in my life. That love gave me the safe haven I have today.

I hope some of this has been of help. Congratulations on your new child you're carrying. That child will have a wonderful mother because you want to be.