Mum quizzing my kids!!!?

Question

I'm married to a wonderful man in the US military. I'm in the UK. I'm planning on joining him soon with my children (who are 15 and 12) from a previous marriage. I've already got the hurdle of fighting him in court over this. My lawyer said there shouldn't be too much of a problem as they say they want to move with me and start a new life over there and the courts listen to children nowadays. They see him every now and then for 2 hrs on a Sunday.

Now I have another problem, MY MUM. I know she's going to be heartbroken when we move. When we go out to see my hubby we speak to my parents on webcam so she can see my children. The problem is she's questioning them all of the time about are we moving? would they move? Every day this week she's been on at them. I find it hard to speak to my mum to be honest as she makes me feel like I'm a kid, stupid I know. What's the best way of going about it without me blowing my top.

My dad hasn't said anything yet

I know deep down she knows we'll go. I just wanted the timing to be right. I'm due to go back out to see my hubby in four weeks and mum and dad are having kids for me this time. I know I'm going to have to say something soon. I just hope she leaves kids alone. Stresses me out so I'd hate what it will do to kids

I need to think about my happiness now. Kids are happy to move with me to start our new life. I can't hang around just because mum will be upset. Am I being selfish?

It takes 12 hrs including transfer to get to where we'll be living and it's so easy to do. I've thought about asking if they've go out with us in the summer for a week to see Virginia and where we'll be living

Answer 1

Calmly and quietly simply tell her that you're moving and that your children want to move also.Have them tell her they want to.Hopefully this will put an end to the "questioning."
She will likely be hurt and upset but........she will get over it. Your place is with your husband now and not your parents and they should both be happy that you'ver found a wonderful man and want the best for you and your children. This is probably why your dad hasn't said anything.He understands.
You have to be firm.Tell her you love her and will miss her too but you're going to make a good new life for yourself.Given a little time she will be happy for you.Just doesn't want to let go yet.
All the best to your family in your new adventure.God Bless.

Answer 2

It is very difficult for your mother to let go, not only of your kids, but she doesn't want you to leave either, I have live abroad for 15 years and my mum has never accepted it, although I am on 4 1/2 hour flight away, she comes every year to visit and I go home every Christmas, it is very difficult being away from loved ones. No you are not being selfish, you have the chance of a new life, just keep telling your mum that she is welcome any time, imagine all the holidays she can have with you amd that you can also return home when you can, good luck, but remember to be understanding, how would you feel if one of your kids decides to live abroad, it is hard.

Answer 3

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Answer 4

take her with you!!!!
Seriously i know what you mean by her making you feel like a child. You must tell her to stop questioning your children and tell her to approach you if she has any questions.
Be sympathetic in your approach when telling her, ask her to be happy for you and for your children as it is going to be an improvement to your life. Tell her she can visit and that you will visit her. As a mother she should be putting your needs before her own (i think parents forget this when kids become adults). Dont feel bad (as im sure you will) you have your own life to lead and she must understand this.
If i was you i would practice in front of a mirror/or with your friend the talk your going to have with your mum so your confident about it and she wont make you feel small. Rem you are a grown woman and she has no say in what you choose to do with your life as a adult unless asked for her opinion. (i know because i had to take a stand with my mum that i am the parent of my child and she needs to 'butt' out. Go for it girl your building a wonderful life for you and your kids, and considering their happy to be going, then you know your doing the right thing.
Good luck.

Answer 5

Having a grandson, who I would miss unbearably if my daughter were to leave the country (never mind how much I would miss my daugher), I can understand the fear your mother is going through, especially if you have not sat her down and talked to her.

I would be incredibly hurt, if my daughter made plans to leave the country and she left me in the dark.

It certainly sounds to me as if you have not shared your possible plans with her.

Try to fit into her shoes. You have two children. Imagine them as adults with children of ther own (your precious grandchildren) You know that sooner or later they are going to leave you behind. You don't know when and they won't tell you. They won't even keep you up to date on how their plans are progressing.

How painful that must be!

As for being a kid - of course you are - her kid! That is something that will never change. At 55, I still remain my parents child and I will remain so until they die.

My daughter, her husband and child live with me, but my youngest son lives 1000Km away, whilst my eldest son and his wife live in the UK, (I am in South Africa). They are all my children and always will be, no matter how old they become and I truly appreciate it when they sms or email me about various things they plan to do. It makes me feel that I am still an important part of their life.

I realise that you are probably under a lot of stress at this time, but so is your mother. You are leaving her soon. Try to share as much with her as you can, while you still can.

Look after yourself and be safe

Sandy
http://www.moms-home-safety.com

Answer 6

Handle this carefully!
Be gentle with your Mum, even though she's driving you up the wall. If you can't speak to her, then write her a letter and tell her that this is a positive thing you are doing for yours and your children's future, and that your children especially need her support on that, not her confusing them!
Your Mum doesn't want you to go, right? Cherish her and try and reassure her whilst you have the courage of your convictions.

Answer 7

I had a similar experience as a Mum several years ago - my only child went abroad to work for six months - ended up 2years. During which time he met a lady brought her home and married her (loveley lady). I found it so hard when he first went away and did not want him to go. However, I held back my feelings because I wanted him to experience life, which he did and now I thank my lucky stars that I did not object to him about going. He has settled since here and we have been several times to her country and obviously she misses her folks and I am sure she would move there if my Son said ok.
However, from what you say I think your Mum is scared of losing you and trying to get through to your children to object to the move. I would re-assure her, that it is not goodbye - you have to have this experience for your childrens sake - and your own. True its only a flight over and you have web-cam emails etc., to keep in touch. You must constantly re-assure her that it is for all your futures and she has an open invite to come over and stay as long as they like and you hopefully will come home when you can.

Now for you going - I hope you spend time in USA before you make a final decission because it is a big move. I did it some time before my son went abroad. I went in at the deep end and had to go it alone so to speak. Obviously it was difficult and adjusting was megga - being honest. You have to test the water truthfully and not be guided into the limelight giving you a false sense of security.

The Americans are different to us and the women are not as homely in my opinion as us Brits. The men are different to but as you have a guy from their you will know that. But see him on his own ground and make your decissions taking everything into consideration.

I do not think your Mum is going to surrender without re-assurance and your Pa is probably wanting you to go, but obviously will miss you awfully and wondering how he is going to cope with your Mum when the time comes. So you must get your Pa to open up to you and be honest with his feelings.

When you do finally go - try to have made peace with your Mum - she is the only one you will ever have and they do come from a different era and it is the love she has for you that is what she is finding hard to let go of - all Mums hopefully are like this.

Good Luck to yourself and your children on your new venture and I hope your folks accept that you are doing the right thing for yourself with how strong they have made you.

Answer 8

she's just being a grandmother, she hates to see the kids go, she feels she is losing out on being around them and she is right, come to think of it, but life goes on. This is out of her control. At least she loves them, some grandparents couldn't care less. Re-assure her that they will keep in touch, she can visit or they can vist her.In her mind it's another planet, but it is really is a 'small' world. I fly a lot and it is normal for young teens to fly out of the country to see their grandparents. As long as they are at the airport to meet them. Anyway be kind, all her emotions are out of concern and love, older people can sometimes feel insecure, when a big change happens. It is normal for her to question them, they'll get over it.

Answer 9

Congratulations on your decision to be happy and if your happy your kids will be happy too.
Emotional as it may be - you mother should not quiz ur kids - it's one thing to be excited and ask - where are you going to live and is'nt it going to be great - its quite another to give them the guilt trip. ""U need to take her aside maybe go out somewhere quiet park - coffee and say - mum I love you and I will miss you but i'm sure you want me to be happy. If you need to know anything about where we are going or if the kids are happy - please ask me - I don't want the kids to feel guilty that they are going, because you will miss them. They will miss you also. ""
As a mother herself - she must understand that you want to protect them from any unnecessary emotional baggage. Tell her you will set aside one special night per week to webcam and keep her up to date with your life.

The very best of luck for the future for you and yours.

Rx :-)

Answer 10

Your moving far away and your wondering why she is asking question's ,the poor woman probably has her grandchildren around her since they were born and now your moving , why would she not miss them. She is missing you and the children and probably hoping you'll stay close ,but if your husband is in state's you do not have a lot of choice ,but do not be too hard on her .l