If you were adopted, and now have a child of your own - do you find it harder to deal with your adoption now?

Question

I was OK with being adopted, but since I've had my son, I noticed that perhaps alot of my self esteem problems, and trust issues come from being abandonned by my birth mother. I am SUPER protective towards my son and always want him to feel safe. I feel bad about sending him to someone's place to sleep over, I don't want him to wake up thinking I have abandonned him. I push myself real hard to let others babysit him once in a while cause I know he has to live a normal life and these kind of things are good for him, but it's real hard. I'd like to get in touch with someone else who might understand my feelings.

Answer 1

why do you feel you were abandoned by your birth mother? do you know who she is now?

Let your son have a normal life.

Answer 2

Hi,
When you write "being abandoned by my birth mom", I'm not sure if you are writing that out of fact, or out of feeling. At lot depends on how old you were. If you were adopted as an infant, please know I am sure she did not abandon you. Unmarried moms were (and still are) under great pressure from many sides who want them to surrender their babies for adoption instead of giving them the support they need to care for them.

However, no matter if it is a feeling or a fact, you do say you feel abandoned and you need to address that so you can rid yourself of this anxiety. Many of us coast along fine as happy adoptees until a significant life event makes us stop and think. The birth of a child is often a great trigger for adoptees. When my child was born I was overprotective and extremely fearful.

These were the things that helped me the most:

1.) Therapy with someone who specializes in adoption issues. Search around, because not all therapists 'get it'.

2.) Connecting with other adoptees. If you do a google search for "adoptee support group" plus the state you are in, you should be able to find a support group near you. Also, you may want to join an online forum as well. There are literally thousands of those online, as well as at Yahoo Groups and MSN Groups

3.) Journaling. It helps. A lot.

4.) Reading. If you haven't read the books by Nancy Verrier yet, I'd strongly recommend them. The Primal Wound and Coming Home to Self are fantastic. You can get them at the library, or usually very cheaply through the used book sales at Amazon.com. You can visit the author's website at

http://www.nancyverrier.com/

Good luck to you. You can address this - you do have the power and support. It's out there for you. Take care.

Answer 3

I was adopted. The people that adopted me were great people but are all deceased now. I have a 18 year old son and have never felt the way you do. I do know who my birth family is and have contact with them. My birth mother was 15 when she had me and couldn't support me. I don't really feel like she abandonned me. She wanted a better life for me. I am thankful because I truly loved my adopted mother(RIP-MOM). I am wondering if you had a good adoptive family. No family is perfect. Do you know your birth mother or anything about her? You can contact me if you need to talk more.

Answer 4

I wasn't adopted as per say new parents but I was adopted by my stepfather then my mom and dad divorced so I have a new mother that is a stepmother, I know a real Jerry Springer episode here, but I think when you have a childhood that isn't the norm. then you tend to be more protective of your own child because you want to make up for what you lost in your own. you are doing a good job and if you don't want him being babysat then don't worry my daughter was 5 before she spent the night with her grandma, I am not like others in my family that leave their kids with anyone who will take them.

Answer 5

May I suggest a change in your way of thinking? Instead of imagining that you were abandoned try thinking that your birth mother loved you so much she sent you to a better place. Now look at your own child and imagine the strength of the love it would take you to send him to a better place.

Its all in the way you look at it. A securely loved child who is on a sleep over or with a sitter will not feel abandoned.