I have a 5 yr. old and his father has been coming in and out of his life, we divorced when my son was 3 months old and I made all he effort for them to see each other for a while then he decided to move to NY my son was 2 1/2-3 hed call may b once every 6 months to talk to me & then ask about his son & didn't send me any money for child support. He returned to the area last March & took him for one day to his dad's house there are 2 other kids my son's age that live there & he had fun playing with them but didn't really spend much time with his father, since then he has not seen him. Today I called him for $ suddenly he remember his child now he's asking if he can have my son spend the night on Sat. and I told him he should 1st spend some time w/him since he's not so used to him. I used 2 talk 2 my son about his "dad" but stopped I don't want him to get excited over someone who doesn't bother to spend time with him, I've seen it b4, my son rememberes him as some guy now... & I feel :(
2007-03-23 06:26:58 · 16 answers · asked by Jamester 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I have had a very serious talk with him last March when he came back from NY and made him promise to see his son regularly... to me it was never really about the "$" (even though he should take care of his flesh and blood financially as well as emotionally) my bf who's been in my son's life for the past 4 years has helped me in every way but it's just about not seeing my son getting hurt, I've never stopped him from seeing his son, I just don't EVER wanna see my son ask me saddly about why his father has dissapeared once again...
2007-03-23 06:51:27 · update #1
Hmm, that's a tough situation you're in and I feel bad for your son for having a dad like that. On one hand, I feel like he doesn't feel obligated to take care of him, do all the hard things with parenting, so why should he get to reap the benefits and get to spend time with him? I think i'd feel that way in your situation. But the problem with that is you are trying to protect your son from being hurt, and that sometimes is really hard to do.
He's so young so it's hard to leave it up to him, he doesn't know all the bad things about his dad, so he probably would love to have him in his life.
I's have a good heart to heart with your ex. Tell him that you your son only has one parent, and that his actions showed he didn't care, didn't feel obligated to do the right thing by his own child, didn't make any sacrifices for him. So you need to protect your child from getting hurt. You can't stand by and let him walk in and walk out of his life again. That you need him to prove his worthiness in order to get to be in your son's life.
He should definitely start out by helping financially, coming to see him, not having sleepovers first. He gave you no reason to trust him, so if he REALLY wants to be his child's father, he'll suck it up and come visit him, and start making some sacrifices like you do every day. Good luck,
2007-03-23 06:38:15 · answer #1 · answered by nymom 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't think overnight is a good idea, since you don't know anything about his life now and what your son may be exposed to at his house. Also, like you said, your son doesn't know him yet. Talk calmly with your ex about this. If he cares about his son, he will want to do what is best. After the dad becomes a stable force in his life, THEN an overnight stay is reasonable. Plus, you need to go to court and get some back child support ordered. Remember, if you do that, you will be REQUIRED to let your son go with him on visitations. If you want the dad out of his life, threaten to take him to court to get the child support order. If he is a phony, he'll leave you both alone.
2007-03-23 06:41:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Honestly every situation is different.. I have had two close sitiuations.. one my boyfriends dad left when he was like one, and he choose not to see him (except when he turned 18) now my boyfriend had a hard time dealing with the fact that his father didn't want anything to do with him, which made him act up and he didn't respect his step-father for that in his teen years, but now as he is grown he says that, that was the best for him.. (his mom never made the decision for them not to see that dad, the dad never paid child support and now has warrants for his arrest) but it was always left up to the kids and the dad.. Now in my son's situation, his dad his physically harmful to him so when i got the protection order I wanted my son to still have a realtionship with him.. so I set up supervised visits.. so far they are going okay.. but if at anytime he does anything or decides that he doesn't want his son that weekend I will document it and take it to the courts.. I am documenting everything that way when we go to court the courts can tell me whether I have to right to say yes or no to him seeing his son.. (I don't think I would say no, but if you can't trust him then I would say you may come over and visit him anytime we are home, and if he doesn't come then he is just showing how important having a relationship with his kid is to him.. and in the long run the kid will know that it wasn't you that kept his daddy away and he will have more respect for you.. I know it is hard but your not alone!
2007-03-23 07:48:50 · answer #3 · answered by littlemama882003 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The situation is very tough. I know and feel your pain. My children's Dad and I divorced when my youngest was two. At first he spent a lot of time with them, but gradually had little to do with them. I did make him pay child support(his wife now, despises me for that reason). If you feel that your Son is safe, while with him, then give your Son the choice as to whether he goes to his Dad's house or not. Kids figure these things out for themselves, and we don't have to be the "bad guy". My Son is almost 35, and calls his Dad on rare occasions. My Daughter is 32 and has always wanted to have a relationship with him. But, he has done nothing but hurt her feelings over and over.
You can't make your ex do anything. All you can do is support your Son and his decisions.
2007-03-23 07:05:43 · answer #4 · answered by kayboff 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your son needs consistency, first of all. His father needs to make a decision - he either wants to be part of his son's life or not. Unless he has signed papers to relenquish all parental rights, he does have a right to see his son. If you do not already have a legal agreement regarding custody / visitation / child support, GET ONE DRAWN UP.
It is perfectly fine for you to answer your son's questions about his father, but tread carefully when it comes to promising visits since the father has not been spending much time with him. I have been where your son is, and it HURTS when you're expecting your dad to show up / pick you up for a visit and you're just left waiting in tears because "something came up."
2007-03-23 06:52:01 · answer #5 · answered by Romans 8:28 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like the father is almost like a stranger to your son. I would stick to your guns. Let him spend some more time with him before sleep overs. Basically, the idea is...would you let your child sleep over with a uncle or friend who your son rarely sees. No. Just because the father donated some dna doesn't make him an automatic father. Fathers are not strangers.
2007-03-23 06:39:49 · answer #6 · answered by iamafly2004 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would say yes just so the child has some ideal of who biological dad is, it would be nice if his dad took more active roll in is upbringing but this is not a perfect world so I guess we should be happy that he even wants to see him. Some men don't even claim their children. I have an 11yr old daughter she doesn't spend much time bio-dad but she does know who he is, she spends time with him whenever she wants to and that is becuz I made sure she at least knew who he was.
2007-03-23 06:39:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You initiated this latest contact so follow through but not overnight. Tell dad to start paying regularly and when he is on a good roll of day visits you will address sleep overs again.
2007-03-23 06:32:24 · answer #8 · answered by NakasEvilTwin 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No. My ex-husband did the same thing with our two girls and during the divorce I put my foot down and said he has no visitation. I also told my two girls that I won't allow him to see them now.
It's a hard decision to make and I wish you a lot of luck.
2007-03-23 07:08:19 · answer #9 · answered by jthoms9800 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it's a good idea for your son to spend the night.
If your ex is serious about a relationship with his son,he needs to start being a man.
2007-03-23 06:36:55 · answer #10 · answered by jimmideon49 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋