We need new jokes!?

Question

Me and my roomates say "Your Mom" far too often. It still tends to be hilarious nearly every time, but we've realized how it's such an easy out for us. So, help us!

We need a replacement joke. Something that's short and funny and can be used often and is still funny every time.

So the challenge is on. Replace Your Mom.

Answer 1

your ballz

Answer 2

I give you 2 situations:
1: (a Redneck joke)
Little 13 year old Bobby was settin on his front stoop w/his pappy,and asked:
Gee pa, that Peggy-Sue who lives across the road, and sits next to me in school sure is pretty, don't you think Pa?
Pa: She sure is a cute thing son.
Bobby:Well I'm gonna marry her pa!
Pa: NOW hold on son! Is she still a virgin?
Bobby: Yup, I believe she is!!
Pa: Well son,... ya see, If she ain't good enough for her own family, What makes you so sure she'll be good for ours?
so the last line could replace MOM

2: A movie staring John Wane called the Quiet Man had an ongoing joke that me & my buddies used to death. it goes like this (I dont remember characters names) but this one guy said "Shamus! get My GOOD book!(this was a book the man used to remember people he liked) Now write down this name (john Wane's character). Now scratch it out!
now jst ask to get my good book instead. Rent the movie!
If all else fails, say realfast 'dorkssaywhat?' then they say what, and you laugh!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

Grandma was over her daughters' house babysitting the grand-kids, her daughter had things to take care of early that morning. Grandma called the kids down for breakfast, she had made pancakes, little Billy and Sally ran into the kitchen and sat down to eat their pancakes, little Billy took a bite of his pancakes and said to Grandma "Grandma what's this on the pancakes?" Grandma replied "It's what your mommy calls your daddy all the time", little Sally said "Said spit it out quick Billy, you're eating a**hole.

A wife ask her husband, honey the light in the living room is not working right could you take a look at it, the husband replied "do I look like an electrician to you?", a few days later the wife said to her husband, honey the steps on the pourch are a litte shaky would you please fix them, the husband replied, "do I look like a carpenter to you?" the wife was getting really upset, she asked her husband could you look at the pipes in the kitchen they are making all kind of noise, the husband replies "do I look like a plummer to you?" The next day the husband was coming up the step on the pourch and notice they were not shaking, he went in the house and checked the light in the living room, it was working, he went in the kitchen to check the pipes, no more noise, he called his wife in the kitchen, he asked "honey who did all this work?" his wife replied, well I was so upset that you would not fix the things I asked you too so I started to cry, at that time the doorbell rang I went to go answer it, it was a very attractive salesman, he asked me what was wrong, I explain to him that I had asked you to repair several things in our home and you just brushed me off, the saleman said "tell you what I'll fix everything you wanted your husband to repair, but in return you would have to bake me a cake or have sex with me" the husband replied "what kind of cake did you bake him?" the wife replies "do I look like Betty Crocker to you?"

Answer 4

Okay, I really like the "Your mom" stuff. My brothers and sis's and I all use them on each other cause it's funnier that way. But, we put spins on them like, "Your mom eats Chinese food" or " Your mom likes Canadian bacon" or one of my all time favs, "Your mom is the Ultimeat Pizza"

Those get us all the time, cause we have to think of something that our mom is or does, and it's even funnier when we say them right in front of her (which she honestly gets a kick out of)

Answer 5

Blond Jokes are pretty good.

A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."

Answer 6

Okay so this is funny when my husband says this to his dad. You might get a laugh from your roomates. No matter how many times my husband tells his dad this ..he always falls for it.

Husband: Dad..I heard you were kissing myra last week.
Dad: Myra! Who's Myra
Husband: MY RIGHT NUT!

Sounds funnier when it's comming from them. Here is one more that my husband gets his friends with..

Husband: Hey..did you ever blow bubbles when you were a kid?
Friend: Yeah lots of times
Husband: Well he's back in town looking for you.

So they aren't a replacement for momma but they are funny.

Answer 7

This is the best...

Just act like you didnt hear what the person said by repeatng "huh" and "what".

like the person will be talking and you keep interupting them with "huh" "what" and "what was that".

Thatll git um everytime.

Answer 8

I thought my daughter made that 'your mom' thing up! She now has a Tshirt which reads....tell 'your mom' to stop texting me.

Answer 9

I like the blonde joke

Answer 10

We too say "your mom" too much at work and have had to stop due to a co-worker's mom dying and people getting pissed when we say it. Our new one? "Up your Butt" short sweet and to the point..."that's what she said" is another good one ;)

Answer 11

there was this lady pregnant with triplets,she was standing outside a bank,when this bank robber ran out, shot her, police and ambulance came, rushed her to hospital, doctor couldn't get bullets out, but he delivered the 3 babies, 2 girls and 1 boy, a few years later, one of girls were peeing, she started crying,
'mom, she said, look what came out of me, when i peed ed,mom said ,
'its OK and explained what happen before she was born. then the other girl was crying,mom-rushed over there to see what was wrong, and she to had peed ed a bullet.so she explained to her what happened before she was born,then later on , she heard the boy crying,mom went to-him,started to explain to him,about before he was born,mom no i was not peeing, i was playing with myself and shot a dog, boohoo.