I am in arelationship and have been for the last 5 years, i have three children two of which are not my partners, but he has taken them on as his own, which i love him for.. my question is, should we stay together for the sake of the kids?? my eldest two were born not knowing there real father, so i do not want to take away the only father they have, plus if we split up would he want to see all of them or just his own?? i really dont know how our relationship is going to get better, he wants different things and cant seem to wait!! like wants to spend money on musi stuff and not carpets, typical man!!! i want my kids to have a nice home and decent clothes but cant afford to, yet we seem to be able to spend 400 quid on some music studio??? am i completely mad or what. i love him for my youngest but there is no physical attraction anymore, we have a good friendship but i think that is all it is. god i dont know what to do, and if he left would the kids hate me???
2007-03-23 05:08:06 · 15 answers · asked by mooch 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
SWEETBABY...just to point out i do not want to have anymore children and i certainly didnt expect the father of my other two to run off, i dont believe i have screwed up, I have three really fantastic children, intelligent and loving, so where please tell me have i screwed up,??
this is purely for sweetbaby as i do not appreciate the answer.
2007-03-23 05:32:44 · update #1
I think you have 4 issues going on:
1). Guilt (blaming yourself)
2). Insecurity
3). Fear
4). practical difficulties EG. housing needs & money problems.
OK, no reason YOU should feel guilty! Not your fault their fathers let you & the kids down. Therefore, no LOGICAL reason why the kids should blame you (but they still might, most unfairly so you need to answer any questions they raise honestly so help their understanding...)
You will feel secure again when you are standing on your 2 feet, in control of the income & outgoings. No-one can then pull the rug from under you... In UK, some help available to help get you established. Don't give up your home unless absolutely necessary. Better he leaves...
If you are afraid cos you don't want to exist in a loveless relationship for many years, that is a genuine fear... & only you can decide whether it is worth sacrificing your happiness in the hope the kids will be happy... You could try to talk to your partner so he understands how you feel, hoping things will get better... maybe you're only suffering from winter blues or the honeymoon period is over? If you decide to end your relationship, you will find the courage & strength! But it will be hard so get friends & family to give whatever help & support they can...
Make sure you seek maintenance for the children... Try to work out how you will support the kids & yourself... take each problem one at a time, if you can... Read books by other women who have survived & blossomed as single-parents. Visit career advisors (job centre etc) to get yourself well informed about what help is available & what your options are.
I wish you the very best. Mum's are special. Kids are special. & if your "man" still hasn't learnt that, he must need his head & heart examining.
2007-03-23 05:40:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can you really say you have tried everything to put this relationship right? Have you tried talking to him and communicating your concerns? I don't know one man who is good with money and they do need to be told every now and again. My boyfriend often "can't afford" things but seems to have plenty of money when it gets to Saturday night. Also, relationships do grow stale with time and things can get a bit comfortable and more friendship like. Especially when children are around. It sometimes takes a bit of work and effort to remember what caused that spark you had initially. To say you have a "good friendship" with this man obviously means you still get on well. What I'm trying to say is, despite his financial incompetence (which most, if not all men suffer from) he sounds like a good guy. Especially to take on and raise two of your children who obviously think he's pretty decent too! A lot of blokes would run a mile. It would be a shame to leave a relationship if there is some potential that it can improve. I would not advise you "stay together for the kids" - they know if somethings up and that can be more damaging in the long run. But what I am saying is don't give up on your relationship until you're absolutely sure.
2007-03-23 12:45:47 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No one can make you happy hon. Its an inside job. Dont make any big changes for a year. You can't trade up there is only one make (men) and it seems you've got a good one. You both have a lot of stresses with kids, bills, work, stepkids and his interest in music (whether work or not) is a release. Any prob you can throw money at is not really a problem. You can always make more or spend less...you may not like it, but its not really a crisis like cancer. Get together, make a budget not only for your finances but for your time. Schedule in some adult fun (not just sex, actual going out and mingling with other adults ---they are out there you just have to find them). Schedule in some family time and some individual time....even if its only grocery shopping or working on the car you both need a little down time without kids or ea other to recoop. This is the real work of relationships....being honest, reinventing the wheel and making it fun again. What attracted you to him? Whats great about him? Take him out on a date. Not dinner, a date.
2007-03-23 12:45:07 · answer #3 · answered by Sweetserenity 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have two kids by two dads one by my ex and one by my current husband.I am happily married this time.Thing happen that we can't neccessiarly expect or can change I'm sure your children are beutiful and you owe no one an explanation as to why your life is the way it is.As far as your marriage staying together for the children is no always the best thing to do if you can go to conseling and work it out than great if not then not.If he is as atteched to your children that are not naturally his than he cares about them he will still be in the childrens life.Is he the father on the birth cerificate because if he is he has all ligal right to them.IF money is yalls promblem than maybe he should take a credict coures to learn how to manage his money.Maybe you could work a part time job so that you have control of your own money. maybe that will give you a little more seruity.I'll pray for you and your children best of luck.If you ever want to vent email me I'm a housewife so I'm always here.
2007-03-23 12:44:52 · answer #4 · answered by what did you say 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
think long and hard what you want not anyone else, first you have to decide that then, if he is a decent father then he should treat all the children the same if not they haven't really lost much have they, and he has got his priorities all wrong the house and children should come first every time, unless he makes a living out of his music studio, anyway the first thing you need to do is speak to yourself and decide what is best for you, then have a chat with him if all that fails get rid, and start again, never do anything just for the children if your not happy then they wont be,,,, and your a long time dead, good luck trust your own jedgemant,,,dont wait untill life has passed you by, the kids wont thank you for it...
2007-03-23 14:22:58 · answer #5 · answered by twinsters 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Never stay in a relationship for the kids, what you are doing is making it worse for the kids. They pick up on everything around them and know when the grownups in the house aren't getting along and think that is the way relationships are meant to be. I understand that there are a number of kids here and it is an unusual situation, but you have to look out for yourself first. You don't want to be with this man, that is obvious, and it is coming across loud and clear. Don't you think the kids sense it. It's time to move on with your kids and see where everything falls into place as you go along. Nobody can foretell the future, but you have to move along now and let it start to unfold.
2007-03-23 12:34:54 · answer #6 · answered by lochmessy 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Think about what makes you happy and what's best for your children. They don't need to see you falling out of love with their daddy. Your children won't hate you if you are a good mother to them. Just because the two oldest only know him for a dad, doesn' t necessarily mean that they'll be upset if you choose to live without him. don't stay in a relationship just "for the children's sake" if you're not happy. If your husband isn't doing it for you anymore, I would suggest getting couples counseling. Have you ever thought of that? Just because you need help, doesn't mean you're nuts. I've been to many counselors myself and believe that it really helps to share your feelings and get some alternative solutions. Good luck to you whatever your choice.
2007-03-23 12:44:49 · answer #7 · answered by hardlyworkinwoman 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to stay put and stop having more kids before you screw up again especially since you can't seem to get into a COMMITED relationship, which means marriage. Before you decide what you're going to do, think about how your kids will pay the consequences (again) for YOUR decisions and actions.
2007-03-23 12:24:00 · answer #8 · answered by ♥Twinkle♥Toes 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think you should get out for the kids sake this man dont seem to care for them financially so if you split then you can get your own money and take care of the kids i have four kids and no way would any man come before them i think you would be a lot happier without him.
2007-03-23 12:14:42 · answer #9 · answered by helena 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well if you are not in love with him them you should leave. i know that you have your kids to consider but in time they will understand. life may be rough but you can do it, with the help of God all things are possible. try not depend on anyone just make your move and start fending for your kids. if he do not accept the two that r not his then to heck with him. they are your children and no man can chnage that. typical man they always put games, music and stuff first instead of actually taking care of their family. put your foot down hon and let him know that if he don't shape up then you slipt.
2007-03-23 12:33:19 · answer #10 · answered by nicky4life 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋