How can I convince my wife who hails from an orthodox family that our only adopted daughter can be a NON VEG?

Question

I am a Punjabi(non veg),my wife is from karnataka(veg)JAIN,and we have adopted a girl who is now 7 yrs from a JAIN saint on the condition that we keep her vegetarian.My daughter now wants to taste non veg food and decide for herself.My wife is veri strict that she remains veg.I am liberal and want her to enjoy and experience life the way she wants to.My wife forbids her to eat non veg even though my daughter watches the non veg food in my plate temptingly.HOW SHOULD I CHANNELIZE MY THOUGHTS ?? I want to be FAIR to my daughter.......regards .......Rajiv S

Answer 1

If you agreed to the condition then you should do your best to keep the condition, otherwise you cannot hold your head up high. You must go back to the source and appeal the condition.

Your only other option is to teach your daughter that it is okay not to keep promises.

Answer 2

First consider age. Your daughter is at the age of some level of personal decision making. She should also have some reasoning and understanding capabilities. Here what I would suggest:

The goal here is to have your daughter make the decision that you are parents think is the right one. However the decision in question is one of difference of opinion between the two parents (you and your wife). Unless the child's biological parents are BOTH involved in the child's everyday life their wishes (told at the adoption date) really doesn't matter. This being said, I think the decision the child should make is that she has choice and that before she makes that choice she will want to fully understand why the choices were made by her parents.

In other words, you and your wife have obviously decided that it's OK for the other to have a choice in what they eat or don't eat. (That's a good thing.) Since this is the case then shouldn't you also want that same ability to choose for your child? But this choice is something you both feel strongly about due to the fact that you've had time to think about and decide for yourself based on the facts as you know and understand them.

So... I suggest you and your wife come to an agreement that you will let you child decide (as you yourselves did) but that she should only decide once she fully understands all the reasons for the decision. Then the two of you sit down with your child and explain to her that this will be her decision (one day) but that you both want to make sure she fully understands before she makes her choice. Then, set a date in the future (a birthday is a good date) where she has enough time to consider all the options and then when that date comes, honor her choice just as you honor each other's choices.

Good luck and I hope this helps.

Answer 3

I hate to say it, but you did adopt her on the condition that you keep her veg. Your wife and you together agreed to this. It's not right to now turn around and tell your wife that you aren't going to keep the promise you made, especially if it's something that's obviously important to her. I would sit down with your daughter, and explain to her that you had made a promise, and you're going to keep the promise you made, because that's the right thing to do. Tell her that you understand that she wants to try new things, and you will support her decision to do so someday, but that is something that she's going to have to make a decision about on her own when she comes of age. (Meaning when she's fully capable of understanding the beliefs, and why she was expected to be veg. A child isn't capable of making decisions like that yet. Children are only concerned about what they WANT--here and now.) This will set a good example for your daughter. She'll learn that promises are things that are meant to be kept, she'll learn that a husband and wife should respect the promises made to each other, and she'll learn that she should be respected enough to make her own decisions when she becomes an adult. Don't sneak her food. That's extremely disrespectful to your wife, and you definitely don't want to teach your daughter that it's OK to disrespect your spouse.

Answer 4

I'm an Australian, and veg by choice in a predominantly non-veg culture. I love going to India, because I feel like I don't have to explain or justify my choice there - it's just understood!!

I don't think your daughter's life should be bound by the conditions imposed by the saint who adopted her out. All people should be free to make their own choices - that is part of being a human individual. The issue for your wife and yourself is whether your daughter is old enough to make those choices for herself.

Answer 5

I think you have to keep your word, if you wish to be honorable. You can let your daughter know that when she gets older she can choose for herself, but as for now, (especially since you agreed to a certain condition that your wife respects) she needs to adhere to the conditions set forth. I think if you tell her you understand, and that if you hadn't agreed to this condition as a part of the terms of the adoption, then you wouldn't have a problem with it, then the real lesson of teaching your child to keep promises will mean more to her. Ask your wife her feelings, in front of the child. If you all hadn't agreed to this term, would your wife be as adament about the child keeping vegetarian? If your daughter sees that both of you are trying to keep your word, and honor the covenant you made concerning her, then your daughter will probably understand. Since she's only seven, you may have to explain it a couple of times, but don't dumb it down for her. She can handle the truth.

How should you channel your thoughts on the matter? You have to decide: Do you cause problems between your wife and yourself, just so your daughter can have her way? Or do you present a united front and explain to your daughter why she needs to remain a vegetarian for a while longer, while at the same time retaining the honor and respect of not only your wife, but your daughter as well. For me, it's an easy decision, but it's one you need to make for yourself.

Answer 6

forget all the other people. punjabi to punjabi. what you should do is sit with your wife, talk with her and decide what's good for daughter because all other people answering, aren't even from around where you're from, ok? mostly, i too believe in not eating meat, because i don't like end up eating flesh of some helplessly, speechless slaughtered innocent creation of God, just put yourself in the place of non veg food when it was being killed to be ready on to your food table, you'll get the feeling.

Answer 7

Is it really worth angering your wife to get your own way? You have to sleep sometime.

Your daughter will grow up, move away and then she will have to make every decision every day for the rest of her life. It is your job as a parent to teach your daughter the skills necessary to make those decisions. Not to confuse her with constant temptation.

Being fair to your daughter would be not tempting her with meat until she is old enough to understand the religious beliefs of both her parents and then letting her decide when she is fully informed and old enough to make an informed, intelligent decision.

Do you want your daughter to determine her religious beliefs based on a piece of steak? Bit shallow of you isn't it?

Besides, even though I love my steak too, I know that it is healthier and more environmentally friendly to be vegetarian. In this age of Global Climate Change, Global Warming or whatever you pefer to call it, eating less meat is one way you can be environmentally responsible.

Answer 8

I think you're in a tough spot. You adopted on the condition that the girl remain vegetarian. In doing so, you made a moral commitment to the child's birth parent. You bear the responsibility of meeting that commitment.

Too, your daughter herself wishes to explore non-vegetarian cuisine. Perhaps both you and your wife can discuss with her the REASONS one might choose vegetarian and non-vegetarian lifestyles. Perhaps you can explain the commitment you've made to the parent. Perhaps you can help her realize that when she is an adult, and has the ability to make her own decisions, that she might choose on her own to try non-vegetarian dishes, but until then you remain committed to the promise you made to the mother.

Answer 9

Strict vegitarian diets are not good for kids, and I'm sure you can find a doctor that will agree. If you base your argument on health concerns, then it should make your position stronger. Forcing a kid to be a vegetarian is just as bad as indoctrinating them into a religion, it's forcing beliefs onto them without giving them a choice.

Answer 10

You are honor bound to respect the condition to keep her vegetarian. You should do your best to provide this upbringing "in your home". You should reduce or eliminate your own non veg meals to keep her from being tempted.

Outside your home, she may do things that you are unaware of that go against your rules. When she is an adult, she can make that decision on her own.