Love my family, but wife often seems to hate me....?

Question

I married my wife about 5 years ago, before which time she was always supportive. Our son is almost 4, and was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago, for which we have spent the last year largely at the hospital, staying in 12 hour shifts. I wasnt working when she met me, I have worked several months since we've been together.

I have issues with ppl (anxiety/social anxiety/depression) and a really bad work history but I work hard, and I dedicate almost every waking minute to my family, but it seems its never enough.. My wife blames me for the messes in our home, simultaneously claiming A)it was cleaner before I moved in, B)I am responsible for all the mess, C) she doesnt need a housekeeper. My wife has injuries and chronic back pain. While the fact is, I do more cleaning at home than any member of our family.

I do everything she asks me, not always exactly in a timely fashion, but I do it. It never seems to be good enough. Nothing I do satisfies her. What can I do?

a lot of you are recommending counselling, which I already thought of. She won't go. She says I'm the one with a problem, and if she had a problem, she'd talk to her own shrink by herself.

Answer 1

It sounds like she is dealing with her own anxiety and depression. We usually lash out at those that we love because they are safe. You may want to try some family counseling or even counseling for your self to help you deal with the terrible things that you and your family are dealing with. Best wishes to you and your family. God Bless You All.

Answer 2

I believe your wife is under a very heavy burden and needs to let off some steam. You are the target but only because you are a safe target. It does not mean she hates you and I doubt she means everything she says. The pressure on your family is tremendous and it has to come out somehow. She does not realize that the same feelings she is dealing with, you're dealing with to. Men and women have a tendency to deal with stress in different ways. I recommend counseling or some serious "get away" time. Not a vacation but 3 hours away together to just talk to each other and show love and support.

Answer 3

Wel, you should listen to her. I would absolutely hate having a husband under my feet all day long. Sorry - I'm sure you're a lovely guy and so is my husband. But I often need space and when it is hard enough trying to find five minutes peace away from the kids, having a husband underfoot, is just too much.
I know it's not reasonable. You obviously need help - how ab out counselling. Or you could volunteer at the local charity shop and get out of the house for a bit.

Answer 4

You two have gone through alot of stress. I hope your son made it through that horrible ordeal. I dont think people are the same after such stress. First of all get some help for yourself so that you wont have a bad social problem because you do need to work. I am sure you love your family but love isnt enough you have to give her some peace of mind. Try to bury your social problems as you are a man with a family to feed. Working on and off is a horrible stress. Be consistant, help out when asked. You will see the stresses will lessen..you have to be stronger.

Answer 5

Maybe it is not really you that has changed in your wife's eyes. You are just the one taking the blunt for a deeper emotional trauma that you are both going through.

Please try some counseling with a professional that deals with the stress that goes with your child unfortunate health.

At times like these to often people pull apart rather than grit their teeth and deal with the real issues. It is unfortunate, but, a part of real life.

I will add you and your family in my prayers. Please give your little one a hug for me and tell her God and everyone else loves her.

This is a hard time for her as well and the tension caused by her illness may take on emotional traumatic circumstances for her as well. She may feel like she is causing the problems between her parents and even at the young age of four believe me they understand more than the average parent gives them credit for. Children are ever so sensitive.

Remember why the two of you got together to begin with and at least when in the presence of your child curb the temptations of causing, although subconsciously, added and unnecessary stress.

Again please get professional counseling for families in crisis.

God keep you.

Answer 6

Well sir, its just your wife's frustration n stress and she takes it out on you, well i think you should bear it because she cant do it with others in the house right???
Help her out don't be reactive, try n be pro-active...
When ever you see the house seems messy clean it up dont wait for her to tell you, and when she asks you to do something, do it instantly so that you dont leave any chances for her to yell.
Its a hard time and both of you should try and understand each other, even if she does not you stick to it, she will some day realise, it surely will increase the affection u two share...
God bless u two, esp. ur son.

Answer 7

I would assume that the stress of your son having cancer could be the root of all you and your wives problems. Have you tried support groups? talking with his Dr's? Her Dr's? cancer should be a disease that leaves our precious children alone, but unfortunately it doesn't. You have to remember, she carried that child for 9 months and cared for that child for 4 years... she has a bond that she is probably terrified will be broke! (thus taking and putting all the blame on YOU)

Answer 8

Your wife is also dealing with her own anxiety and depression and that is the way she is dealing with thing's..Be patient you are both going through a hard time..Best Wishes..