Beer Drinkers Troubleshooting Guide?

Question

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about it's house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth

Answer 1

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held in buttock of North Sea mermaid.
ACTION: Move to Hawaii.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: You are in a gay bar.
ACTION: Try back passage.. Beer better out there.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: Friends have put you on a Las Vegas Mystery Flight.
ACTION: The "one arm bandit" is really the bloke next to you's knob, and you really ARE in a gay bar in Bristol.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You are being used as a boy toy slave
ACTION: Move away from Bristol.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: You are the winner of the Wet T Shirt Competition
ACTION: Keep off those eccies

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Golden shower alert
ACTION: Wear galoshes next time.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking around bottom of Benjamin.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another Pink Famingo.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are in a 4 Chap love in
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to ecstacy.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: There are 2 hairy knackers on your face
ACTION: Confirm homeosexuality.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: It's really Benjamin's RV luvbus
ACTION: Cover mouth

Answer 2

haha cool! x