How can I cope with not knowing my father?

Question

I'm 14,an only child,and live with my mum.

A song got me thinking about my dad and now i'm feeling a bit depressed,so I thought i'd get some general public opinion and advice.

He's a barrister,not a drunk or anything. He lives in my area (in Australia,near Sydney) but it doesn't seem like he's interested in knowing me.

Answer 1

What has happened to make you feel that he's "not interested in you"? Has he told you this? Has someone else told you this? Have you tried to contact him and ask him, to share your feelings with him?

A dad is an important figure in our lives and it appears he has a responsible position in life so why do you feel he's shrugging his responsibility with you?

Why not call him and relate to him your feelings? If you don't feel like calling then write it down in a letter and send it to him. Perhaps he's sitting at home thinking the same things you are, that "my son has no interest in me, he never calls, he never writes".

Do something to open up the line of communication with him. Otherwise you are just going to continue to wonder, never knowing the answer.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I am an only child and never knew my father. His loss, my gain. I have heard stories about my father from his sister and I'm glad I don't know him. It took me a while to get over it, but the one thought that helped me through it was: Being the type of person he is, he would rather that I never know him, then to have a bad father that he is around. He would only disappoint me, so I'm better off never knowing him then having a person like that in my life. I was lucky that I had several uncles who were wonderful male figures in my life. Look to other males in your life, let them show you the way a real man should behave. It doesn't need to be your biological father.

I've been reading some of the answers here and I can't believe the advice. This is a kid, why should he be the one to approach his father. That is ridiculous, if the father was a real man, he should be the one to approach and make amends and explain.
Chris just remember it's not your fault nor your responsibility to do the initiating of a relationship. Hold your head high and know your a great person and your father is missing out on knowing a wonderful son.

Answer 3

Dads matter a lot. Really. (Don't believe lesbians who will tell you they can pretend the whole thing or gays who thinks putting on a dress makes you mom).
I know it may hurt to think that your Dad isn't interested at this moment in knowing you. Don't be surprised someday to find out that he in fact knows what you look like and where you go to school and has been satisfying his curiosity by taking some time to try to get a picture of you. He's human and he knows what it means to have a son somewhere - the fact that it is nearby doesn't make that much difference.
I don't know what happened with him and your mom but it did affect the way things happened later. He may be ashamed or afraid to face your mom. He may feel that she will never stop punishing him or he may never stop feeling guilty about something that he did or angry about something she did. All adult stuff that is powerful and present in so many lives ; it hurts you because you were in the middle of it.
It may still happen that you someday are a grown man and he feels that as a grown man, you will understand him better if he can talk to you man-to-man, not man-to-boy. You can only hope - in the meantime, you could gather some pictures of yourself (taken over the years that he wasn't around you) and send them to him (all you need to say is 'This was me over the past x years...') Don't even expect an answer. He will at least get a look at the son he must wonder about a lot. Don't make it a big deal and don't expect anything at all. Just do it, know that you did your bit - without expecting a conversation or communication - and I think it will do something to insure that someday he will seek you out. Good luck, honey!

Answer 4

Let me start off by saying it's not you. My dad left when I was your age. I am an only child as well. I Did not have contact with me until I tracked him down at age 21 when my mom died. I gave him a second chance only to be betrayed and realize he is a no good dead beat and my mother had a miserable life. I know you feel bad but, it's best not to have a person like that in your life. Know this, having a baby with someone in no way makes you a parent. Be glad you have your mom and she is a strong woman who can take care of you with him.

Answer 5

do you call and talk or have any constant sort of communication? What you my be feeling is his guilt over the situation. call him, ask him to come watch you at some sport you are in, call him and ask if he would like to go to dinner or the movie or something. open the lines of communication. when you go, have something to talk about, school, girls, sports?? ask him how he is, how is work, any interesting cases he is involved in. I know this very hard for you, but parents feel the same things. we are sad and busy and we were 14 so long ago. keep trying it will all work out. please don't become angry and or resentful if things don't work out as you would like or as quickly. say your prayers ask for some guidance. all will be as it should.

Answer 6

Chris, unfortunately your dad is irresponsible and selfish, that you cannot change. Talk to your mum and tell her how you are feeling, I am sure she can comfort you and possibly she may think that it is time that she talk with your dad about YOUR feelings. My daughter has a crappy dad too and it is very, very hard on us mums to know that their babies are abandoned by the ones that created them. I hope you know that your mum loves you enough for both a mum and dad. Keep your head up, one day your dad will regret his handling of this situation.

Answer 7

I understand you. Grow up and find your dad if he wants to be found out.. Meanwhile be a good loving son for your mom.. Be supportive of her. Concentrate on your studies and start a social life.. You will eventually get less depressed.

Answer 8

I grew up with out my dad. Then put him back into my life in my early 20s so he could know his grandkids. Well i took him out of my life cuz he is a drunk and i dont want that around my kids. You are better off with out him. it will make you a stronger person. may god bless you and your decisions.

Answer 9

Send him a letter, marked personal, to his office. Tell him who you are and how old you are and that you would like to meet him.

Tell him this is not a ploy to get anything from him or to bring up bad memories. Tell him you feel a bit depressed not knowing him and would like to meet him.

Tell him that if he would like he can reply to your e-mail and give him your e-mail address.

Answer 10

u'r still young... relax... think of something else to cheer up u'r day... if u ask u'r mother about it, if afraid she got tense up... she have gone through a hard llife... let she enjoys and have a good life with u around... wait till u really find a proper time to ask ur mom, okay....