please help!?

Question

I just had a baby, and already my mother-in-law is trying to talk me into raising the baby in her religion. Problem is, she knows that I already have a religion and it's almost completely opposite hers. One day she even came through my front door, without knocking and completely unannounced, with the pastor from her church to try to talk me into it as well. She's otherwise a very sweet person, and a great grandmother. But if I just come out and tell her my beliefs and how I want to raise my son, I know she would freak out and be really mad. I've tried politely telling her, but she pretends she didn't hear me and keeps on trying. My husband says he doesn't care what religion our son grows up with. In fact, when his mother was raising him she didn't raise him on these beliefs she's trying to force on my son. He also won't tell her how he feels, he just sits quietly and says nothing, which makes her think I'm forcing him on "my side". And I'm really not! What do I do?!?

i didn't state our religions because i didn't want people to base the answer on it. she's a southern baptist, VERY southern. I dont like the religion much, mostly b/c it seems so negative. She's a very negative person, always blaming the problems of the world on someone or something, constantly talking badly about city people. gay people, black people, catholic people, etc, etc, all except white "country" people. I tried her church, and it just put me in a depressed mood. I on the other hand, don't go to church. I believe in teaching about God and then letting him decide the rest for himself when old enough. She states this is wrong, and I (and my family) will go to hell for it. She also lives next door so she's here every day. My husband says he supports me, but then says I'm over-reacting and she's just trying to be nice. Everyone in this county has this religion, and I feel totally out-numbered. Who's right?

Answer 1

Be strong, and have a heart-to-heart with her.

Listen to her views and see if she makes sense. Just because she did not raise her own son in a certain way, that does not mean she was right back then (or now, for that matter).
After listening, tell her about your beliefs...your faith. Tell her your child (YOUR child) will be raised in that faith.
If she cannot respect you enough to let you and your child have your faith, tell her she can go away.


By the way...just curious...what faiths are we talking about here?

Answer 2

Tell your husband to grow a backbone and stand up to her. It's HIS mother, and HIS son as well as yours. Many men try to avoid conflict at all costs - but this is a case where he needs to put his immediate family - you and your son - ahead of everyone else, including his mother.

You also need to be more assertive with her. Tell her that religion is NOT something that you will be discussing with her, and if she tries to start talking about it, just say firmly, "That subject is off limits" and then change the subject. Be very calm, and don't let her get you upset. If you are firm, calm, and stick to your guns, she may not completely give up, but eventually she will back off because it is obvious she isn't getting anywhere with you.

Added:

If she lives next door, you have a BIG problem. Is there any way you can move?

I really sympathize with how you feel - I live in a state that I call "the buckle of the Bible Belt" and my feelings about religion are similar to yours. I just don't talk about religion with anybody here.

Fortunately we live 500 miles away from my family and 800 miles away from my husband's family so their interference is minimal. I love my family, but there are times when distance is a GOOD thing. Think about it.

Answer 3

Say: "Thank you so very much for caring about us, but we will be raising him with the religion that we have."

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat as often as needed with as much honesty and kindness you can feel or fake.

And notice the "WE" get your spineless mule of a husband off the couch and make him support you by you side, which is where he belongs.

Also remember that often the main reason that others attempt to convert others is that they truly believe that they have found the one thing that each and every soul yearns and cries for: a personal relationship with God, and they are trying to share it with you out of deep love. Appreciate this for the loving kindness it is.

You will be heartened to know that parents are far and away the largest influence on their children when it comes to morals, religion, etc. This can be both a blessing and a curse...It boils down to he is watching you!

Keep an open mind-----but not so open your brains fall out

Answer 4

Love her and pray for her *and* stand up for yourself with as much kindness as you can possibly muster.

You might also lock your door. You have every right to do so. You're also within your rights to not answer the door, or the phone. We all know this, I think, but we all answer the door and pick up the phone compulsively, like there's no choice. You know what I mean? We're too afraid of what others will think about us, not answering the door or the phone.

Interestingly, we're concerned sometimes too much with the feelings and thoughts of people who in turn haven't the slightest respect for us, and would push us into their religion, their way of thinking, their way of life... whether it's from God or not, they would have us adopt it...

Finally, like any problem in life -- none are too small -- lay it at God's feet and beg for help. God has remarkable Intelligence, Wisdom and Power to derive solutions we often could never dream of.

Answer 5

Your husband has already told you that he doesn't care what religion your son grows up with. There's nothing for him to tell - he just doesn't HAVE feelings he needs to share with her.
Your own beliefs are yours, and it is up to you to stand up to them.
Whatever your mother-in-law thinks is HER business. If you really feel strongly about your religion and you 'defend your faith', you may have to deal with objections: welcome to the world of religion!
On the other hand, you may ask yourself this: Are the real life values in both religions comparable?
What is a religion anyway? Is it not just a HUMAN opinion of what God wants - and who really knows the mind of God, anyway?
What I see from an outside observer perspective is that your Mom-in-law seems to be a bit pushy - but then again, you are answering her in kind by insisting on YOUR religion.
How about setting the necessary HUMAN boundaries by telling your Mom-in-law that 'religious intrusions' into your home are not tolerated, will not be tolerated, and sticking to your guns by simply refusing admittance to your home under these circumstances?
Let her think and feel what she wants to. Perhaps it is HER lesson to learn.
Also consider lightening up a little about your own adherence to YOUR religion.
Try to find a common ground of spirituality in both faiths, and point out that you really both want the same thing:
For your son to grow up spiritually healthy.
Look at it as an exercise in love, not an exercise in religious war.
Consider that children are not property, neither are they meant to be carbon copies of their parents. Your son will ultimately find his own beliefs. Minimize religious influence on him and instead teach real values such as honesty, love for self and others, and a belief in the ever-lastingness of the love and energy called "God" - by any name.

Answer 6

Be honest with her. Be firm but polite. She may get angry, but I'm sure she'll get over it. It is your son, so it's your choice how you are going to raise him. Once he gets old enough, then let him decide. I'm sure he really doesn't care right now, so it doesn't really matter.

Answer 7

Tell your husband to get on the couch if hes not going to have any balls. Stand up to her and tell them what you want. She has already stepped over the line....you don't have to be nice anymore.

Answer 8

invite her 2 lunch if u r able phisicily and have a chat with her ,dont accuse or ofend or talk in an angry way , but just let ur feelings lead u good luck

Answer 9

Wow! If you are a Christian than your husband should be the spiritual leader of the home and both you and he should be raising your child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Assuming this is true, you need to thank your mother in law for her concern, then share your faith with her. If she gets mad than that's between her adn God and you and your husband need to stay faithful to the Lord anyway. model Christ-like behavior noth to your child and your mother-in-law.

Answer 10

All children are born agnostic and open minded.
Try to keep it that way.
As for the next time she just waltzes into your home, make her go back outside and knock first. I guarantee she won't do it again.