I have a secret that all my immidate family knows except my dad? Should I tell him?

Question

I was abused when I was 9 & raped everyone knows BUT my dad. He is NOT in the best of health. We are very close but this is the only thing that I've NEVER told him. The reason I'm thinking of this now is my niece was raped 2 yrs ago & she has been talking to me abt it BUT my dad told me not to get involved! I know what she is going through & want to help but at the same time feel like I'm letting my dad down because I promised him I would stay out of it! I don't know what to do! He never knew or met the a$$hole!! He is the oldest living male in his family!! He knows that it happened to my sister but the "family secret is my secret." 5 yrs ago he had a stroke & heart attack & we alost lost him & I remember that I never told him what happened & I felt bad for keeping the secret since we are so close. I don't know what to do I'm afraid that if I do it will kill him (I'm the baby of the family) but on the other hand I feel like I'm lying to him since everyone else knows but him!!

I know when my sister told him he was upset & when my brother told him abt him (yes it happened to the 3 of us -sister & I by same man brother family member one of dad's brothers) he had his own brother arrested yes the family didn't talk to yrs (uncle did same thing to aunts own sisters). The guy who hurt me is dead he died in jail after he was paroled was found in 16 yr old gf's bed by her mother he was 80 at least!! I don't want to keep lying to my dad but I'm afraid of how he will take it. It's been a secret (brothers, sister, sis-in-laws, mom, step -mom, hubby know) for 18 yrs.Should say anything or keep my mouth shut? Please Help!!!!

I didn't tell anyone till I was 12 except my sister knew because after he raped me he raped her with in minutes of each other! I was able to pull him off her then we ran home (across the street he was our babysitter & my step-dad best friend & drinking buddy.) I told me brother's first & they wanted to really hurt him but I wouldn't let them because he was my step-dad's friend to took his friends side (after he go sober 6 yrs later he was said that he believed us)! Even before my dad got sick I wanted to tell hi but my brother's said no because then I wouldn't b able to see him since he would be in jail for murder!! I told my step-mom when w were watching tv program abt a girl who was raped & in court & scared & I told her I knew how she felt & she asked me how & I told her what happened & she asked if I told my dad I said no & she said don't because she didn't want to visit him in jail for murdering both my step-dad & his bf.My step-dad since he took his friend over me & my sister!

My family started talking to my dad when he almost died even my uncle appolyigized to my brother & his sisters!! Uncle is afraid of my bother!! The reason y they didn't talk to my dad was because he had his brother arrested & pressed charges when the rest of the family wanted to get uncle help privately! They still protect him & my aunts & brother's protect me from him (they don't trust him)!! Because of all this I have low-self-esteem & I have been through counseling but it didn't work I still deep it buried in my mind! I know I should have told sooner but I was scared that a$$hole (that's what I call him won't say him name) would keep his promise of raping & killing mother, sister & killing step-dad in front of me b4 doing the same to me. I found out he said exactly the same thing to my sister. Until we were both raped (right after sis got 1st period) that he was doing to BOTH of us!! We thought it was only us NOT both of us!

Forgot to say that my dad is celebrating his 10 yr soberity in AA at the end of this month!! I don't want him to slip & start drinking again!! He is MUCH better & we are closer then we have ever been!! I don't want anything to mess that up!! I'm afraid that I will tell him & he will go back to drinking he could drink 2 cases (24 cans) of beer in 2 1/2 hrs plus have a few vodka shots when he got home from work!! the difference in him is like night & day even his family is proud of him!!

Also forgot to tell u that because of what happened I'm barren I can't have children. I have what is called PCOS (Polycycist Ovurian Syndrom) I have more male hormones than female hormones!! I no longer have scar tissue but my doctors only give me a 2% chance of ever having children of my own!! My dad knows this but NOT Y I have it. When I was raped it threw my whole system out of wack!! MY dad knows I have a chemical & hormonal imbalance but not the cause of the imbalance!!

Answer 1

Chances are he knows inside anyway bit it would be too painful to hear out loud from you. It would be a blessing for you to let him die with our knowing. Someone else could have already told him as well. Might be more than he needs before he dies. You are not lying to him unless he asks you. There is nothing he can do about it now so let it be. Just enjoy what time you have with him.

Answer 2

TELL and PLEASE get yourself some counselling. Stand by the others who were hurt. I think you understand such a revelation tears at the roots of a family but if no one speaks and nothing is done another child will suffer the fate. The wreckage to a young person's life is immense. You are not betraying your father by telling about what happened to you. YOU will be telling a truth that has hidden and protected a very sick person for years.

Your father doesn't want you to get involved because of the family fall out and battles as everyone chooses sides. However, I am certain if he knew what happened to you, he would feel different.

Don't feel bad. THe reason incest is able to take hold of a family and kill it at the heart is because of the lies that make familes keep secrets that should be SHOUTED so that children are safe. Imagine ... please... why would anyone protect a child rapist and keep it in the family ? It should be something everyone lets loose. At the very least they could say, we protected our children.

I know why you didn't tell your father. I think you love him. It won't kill him. You need to ask him to stay calm and to love you and just listen. Tell him you were worried more about him than yourself. Tell him how it still hurts, how you still remember and how on top of the guilt and fear around the rape, you also feel guilt and fear because you failed to tell your father what had happened.

Just be calm, loving and honest. These kinds of secrets should never be kept. I pray you get counselling. I pray your family gets help for the other children and I pray that you speak to your dad.

Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Tell your dad that you're no longer going to hold his mystery anymore. Tell him that if he does not inform your mum what he is as much as through the top of the week - you're going to inform her your self. Tell him he is regarding you in his 'crime' and you do not desire to be worried considering it is merciless to you and merciless in your mum. That's all you must do. However, it isn't a bluff, it is a promise. If he does not inform her then I'm afraid you're going to need to. Maybe you'll say to her that dad has a mystery that he needs you to hold however you do not desire to get worried in it so you're telling her to speak to him approximately what he is hiding from her. It is then as much as your mum - if he lies to her - whether or not she believes him or no longer. If she thinks you're mendacity then say that what you've got mentioned to her used to be out of affection for her as you did not wish her to trap any STDs and that you have performed your first-class and can say not anything extra. This crisis is your moms and dads' crisis - no longer yours. It's unhappy in case your mum does not feel you - however no less than you will not need to talk about the problem anymore. You have already misplaced recognize to your father which could be very unhappy. All you'll do is warn your mom in case your father does not guy up and inform her. Good success. This is NOT your crisis so after telling your dad to do the proper factor, you've got performed your activity and will put out of your mind it. It's to your moms and dads to variety out - NOT you.

Answer 4

Well, for a start, how can you be lying to your father at all, when he hasn't got any idea about this happening to you. It would be lying if he asked you if this happened to you and you said no. Secondly, at his age now I don't think it would be a good idea to tell him because in some way he would think that he let you down and would blame himself for what happened to you.. Leave sleeping dogs lie, as they say. Let him live out the rest of his days in peace and tranquility.

Answer 5

Just my opinion, but if he's in bad health I wouldn't tell him. I also have a father with a bad heart & the love of a parent is so overwhelming, so much that it can't be explained & if I told my dad that something like that happened to his little girl it would kill him.
Remember, if you do tell your dad then you're going to have to sit there & tell him the story, when, how, who, where..... How's he going to handle that? And the fact that you kept it a secret from him.

Answer 6

Is it you who wants your father to know, because you want him to sooth you? I can understand that. If it isn't that what you want and need from him, I would not tell him. What he doesn't know, will not hurt him, especially being your father-the "protector." His health is already real bad, and your right, the information might take him right over the side. I feel for you tho, and I could see how you would like your fathers warmth. Maybe you should of told him at the time?

Answer 7

this is a tough one. what would i do if iwere in your shoes. i would pray about it. i would lists the negatives and positives of telling ur dad. and also, u have toask urself what is the intention behind u telling ur dad? is it just so u are honest. or do u want him to know and acknoweldge that this happened to you and also cuz u want to know ur dad still loves u despite. it sounds like u loveur father alot and i hope that u and ur siblings have put an end to this curse of seexual abuse in ur family. there is no right or wrong answer.

Answer 8

You have to get counselling. This is not going to leave you unless you learn how to deal with it. Tell your dad. It's going to haunt you for the rest of your life.

But tell him gently and seek help of your religious leader or smth when doing it.

Answer 9

I would tell him and the police....