Family Troubles?

Question

being the oldest of 5 children (17 years old ), and the older brother of a child with ADD and another with downs syndrome, I often find myself at war with my parents. I feel as though I'm the family's scapegoat, and the one to take the blame for everything, also as of late, my rebellious sister has been causing trouble around the house, and again, I feel like I'm on the receiving end of this. Am I wrong to feel this way, and how can I solve this problem (I've tried telling my parents, but they always shrug me off as being manipulative and melodramatic)? And how can i get my dad to be a better father and spend more time with me?

Answer 1

It is not uncommon to be at 'war' with your parents at your age. Teen years are a difficult time and can often lead to clashes between children and their parents. In many ways, this is a process that paves the way for self-identity. It's never an easy time, especially when you feel heavily burdened with the countless responsibilities upon yourself.

Birth order means many different things in many different families. As the oldest child of so many siblings, especially when a few are 'special needs' individuals -- the weight can sometimes become almost unbearable. This does not make you any less of a person to feel strained under all the pressure and responsibility. In truth, it is a common feeling for those in your situation.

Your sister sounds like she is rebelling because she has the luxury and freedom to do so. In many ways, it is the method she has chosen to try and discover who she is -- a path that appears to be different than the way chosen by yourself.

When we are overly stressed and feel the walls caving in around us, it is easy to feel as though we are alone and the only ones shouldering all the responsibility for our families. The oldest sibling often feels compelled to look out for their younger brothers and sisters -- a task that your sister seems to be making more complicated by her own actions.

Unfortunately parents tend to hold higher expectations of their oldest child, especially when there are younger siblings more in need of their attention. It's not that they are neglecting you or feel you are overly dramatic, but merely they have faith that you can rise to meet any challenge on your own. Despite whatever arguments may ensue, at heart, they become overly critical because they believe you have the capacity to rise to those challenges and see a failure to do so as merely a failure to try.

It is not wrong to feel as you do, but please do keep in mind that it is hard to gain a perspective on the entire situation when you are emotionally invested within it. These overwhelming feelings are amplified by the emotional trials and discoveries of self in general.

I would honestly recommend starting a journal to record your feelings. Many times creative escapes can help aleviate the insurmountable feelings of inferiority which stem from so much pressure. Whether you keep the journal online (at places like livejournal.com) or merely keep it in paper format. If writing is not your strength, then find a creative outlet that can be.

As to the question of making your father a better 'father' and increasing the time spent -- that becomes a more difficult issue. Many fathers find themselves with little actual time to spend with their families as they are often busy providing financially for their family. Sometimes there is a tradeoff. Freetime is becoming more and more obsolete these days and sadly it is within that 'freetime' that most have to find time for their family.

The best recommendation I can give you for your father is to perhaps start simple. Maybe lunch here or there... rent a video... or just spend some time asking him about his work here and there. While they may seem small tasks, you will be amazed at how much of a difference just opening the doors of communication can make. In this age of information, even emailing letters back and forth can work.

Being the oldest of five is never easy, but remember -- neither is it easy to be a parent. Sometimes you just have to take the first step.

Answer 2

First I would like to address your situation with your father:
Get your father to go some place with you. Think of something you would both like to do and suggest that you two go do it. It would be easy to say that a father should work at building a relationship with his son, but that doesn't mean the son can't build a relationship with his father.
People always say if you want something you have to go after it. So, it sounds like you want a better relationship with your father, just go after it. That way while you are enjoying your time together you will have the chance to discuss the other issues you have regarding the way you are treated, and your roll as a family member.
You don't have to plan a big trip, it could be as simple as going to get some ice cream, amusement park or carnival, batting cages, mini golf, sports venue, outdoor concert maybe of a group from the past you know he likes, a bike ride, a walk or hiking, some place that will give you both time to enjoy each others company and give you a chance to get to know each other better.
You can explain to him that you are 17 now and you know in the next 5 years you will face some great changes in your life, and you want to make sure you get in some good quality dad time before those changes occur.
I hope I helped out some with your situation, I wish you well and I hope everything works out well for you.

Answer 3

I agree w/ Gianna M try to get some alone time w/ him. Do a sport u both enjoy!! He might like a day or a few hrs away from ur siblings but can't figure how. Also try taling to him away from ur siblings & mom & talk to him man to man tell him how u feel & let him know that u will be going to college soon & what happens when ur gone & things go wrong who will they blame also let him know that u want to have some quility time together so he can help u become a better man. I wish u luck!! With this it sounds like u have it rough. I know how it feels my older sister was wild & since I'm the baby I was more restricted in what I did, where I went & with who. Since she was wild the pulled rank on me so I wouldn't end up that way. It was hard. When she moved out I was able to finally prove that I wasn't like her they SLOWLY let me be me!! It took some time but they finally realize that I was NOT the problem (who started fights w/ her or who stole $ from mom's wallet or stole cigarettes from my step-dad) that it was my sister blaming me for her actions. Hang in there it will get better!!!!

Answer 4

well, that's what older brother are for, taking the blame, but if u help out or talk to your brothers and sisters, maybe they would listened and you help u out and not causing trouble. and if u want ur dad to spent time with u just tell him. (if he is working all day) find a job or find a gf.

Mark

Answer 5

sorry to hear that. it must be hard to be in your place but believe me everything that happen to you will make you a better men. maybe you can have a slowtalk with your parents and tell them how you feel.

Answer 6

sit down and talk to them