HeRe'S yOuR cHaNcE fOr TeN fReE pOiNtS?

Question

OK. MAKE ME LAUGH. COME UP WITH THE FUNNIEST QUOTE,JOKE,OR STORY AND YOU GET THE POINTS. SIMPLE AS THAT.

wld_jkr...well it worked,didn't it? ;) and curmedgeon...obviously Your name fits you. everyone else,keep em coming! :)

Answer 1

A young boy approaches his father and asks, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learned from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?"

"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"

The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sl*ts and a queer."

Answer 2

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live."

He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Answer 3

Ok...


Actual Analogies and Metaphors
Found in High School Essays:


The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.


Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

Answer 4

A couple of years ago I heard a funny story from my Dad.

My parents were going to visit my sister for the first time since she moved. They knew a little about the house and what kind of car to look for in the driveway. So they head south toward Atlanta follow the directions they were given. My parents and my aunt and uncle from St. Louis go to see my sister. They stop when they find the house and knock on the door. Nobody answers so my dad looks around and spots the car in the driveway and they decide my sister stepped out for a minute. The door was unlocked, they go and start looking at the house. They see what looks like my sisters couch, and a piano (sisters daughter plays). They decide to make themselves at home and wait for my sister. My mom starts the coffee and they sit down at the kitchen table and relax. My dad gets up for a minute and starts looking around again. He spots a pair of little kid tennis shoes and starts thing about them, this can't be right my sisters kids were teenagers. Then they go examine the pictures in the livingroom. Oh my God they are in some strangers house! What if someone comes home and finds them in their house. They hurry up and clean up their mess from the coffee and get out of there. They found my sisters house around the block nearly identical to the one they visited and the owners never knew they had company that day. Everyone had a great laugh over this. Can you just imagine coming home and all the strangers are just sitting at your table drinking cofee and hanging out?

Answer 5

Of course the 10 points are free. If I paid for them, I should be sent to bed with a nice warm glass of milk and some cookies, and perhaps a Xanax or two.

This is not the funniest joke ever, but it is sweet and to the point:

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Answer 6

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd
been
playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into
the
house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two
people
are
sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other? She was
a
little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called
sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and
play
with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said
angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse? It's
called
Bunk-Beds!"... "and Jimmy's Mom wants you to call her."

Answer 7

Ok, on Meet the Robinsons (which is a kid movie I know!) The man said to the dinosauer,"Why arn't you sezing the boy?" and they dinosauer said,"Cause I have a big head and little arms" Oh, and check out this website that will make you laugh!

Answer 8

Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know
> that they are in love.
> One day they decide that they want to get married, so
> Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
> Bruce bravely walks up to him and says
> "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask
> you for her hand in marriage."
>
> Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
> replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two
> live?"
>
> Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce
> replies "In Jenny's room.
> It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
>
> Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a
> huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old
> enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
>
> Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance... Jenny
> makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's
> about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
>
> By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has
> put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment
> trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer
to.
>
> After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like
> you have got everything all figured out. I just have one
> more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should
have
> little ones of your own?"
>
> Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been
> lucky so far."
>
> Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable...

Answer 9

Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and say, "man it's really hot in here". The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, "WHOA, a talking muffin!"

Answer 10

Tell your mom to stop wearing blue lipstick, i'm tired of my ball looking like the smirfs or..... you have so many freckles it lookes like somebody threw crap through a screen door at you