About a missing birth parent...who do i talk to???

Question

I dont know 1/2 of my birth family and no one understands the void. My dad was never told of me existing and is hard to locate.

I mean someone to talk to about the void i feel....not how to find him...i am working on that....in the mean time.

Answer 1

I was adopted and though I loved my parents I felt a similar void. I won't bore you with my story, but suffice to say that in my 40's I finally met my birth mother and birth father's family (he had died) and even met a 1/2 brother.

I do have some suggestions, but as one who took a similar journey I hope you listen to what I have to say first.

Guess who orchestrated the entire meeting? My Mom through the adoption agency! Finding birthparents after adoption is a different journey than what you are going through. Not better or worse...just different. In actuality, I informed my Mom that while it was true in my younger years I felt a hole in my being, as if I wasn't complete, from not knowing who my birthparents were, I no longer felt that way. My mom actually kept after me until I relented.

I was glad that by the time I met my birthmother I no longer "needed to" and no longer felt that "void" or "hole" in my being.
I think that is crucial for you or anyone searching before you take that journey.

Before you meet a birthparent, be sure you have not romanticized them. In other words, be careful you have not imagined them to be your hero...and that's a tall order. If you don't, you are sure to be disappointed, perhaps even hurt. It would also be a unfair your birth father.

While you don't have to go through an adoption agency, I would suggest you do the same thing the agency had me do before I met my birth mother. They had me write a letter to my birth mother describing who I was and what I had hoped for and expected from her. My letter was long, but I ended it by saying after our meeting she needn't fear I wanted a long term relationship and that would happen only if we both wanted it. I told her I wasn't going to push myself into her life.

My birthmother was a nice person, but it was totally clear to me that my "mom" was the woman who rocked me as a baby, nursed my hurts, waved goodbye to me every morning when I went out to school, etc. She was far from a perfect person or mother. But she loved me and sacrificed for me. And...she was secure enough in my love for her not to feel threatened by my meeting my birthmother.

I also met a 1/2 brother on my father's side and that's where the hurt and pain came from. Our meeting felt so warm and wonderful and I started romanticizing a wonderful brother/sister relationship. Big mistake.

We corresponded once or twice and a couple months after we met he informed me that before we took this relationship any further he required me to take a DNA test...me to pay. He wasn't worried that I was after the family fortune as there was none. I went through my childhood being teased kids at school and called a bastard at age 3. Even some family members were not okay with my being adopted. My birth brother's DNA demand only acheived resurfacing old pain.

I didn't meet all of my "new" family, just a few. Of those my favorites were a cousin on my father's side and an uncle on my mother's side. They were worth meeting. I also was able to find out about medical history...also a good thing. I was reminded of something I came to learn as a kid, and that is family is made up of blood and genes. True family is made up of love and respect and interest in each other's lives.

But had I been looking to heal that hole in my soul, I would have been sorely disappointed because my birthmother was nothing like I had fantasized.

As for finding your birthfather, your mom may have a reason for not wanting you to know him. She may be trying to protect you or even herself. Do you know how she became pregnant? Was it an act of violence? Maybe he was an addict, or had a record for other crimes. Maybe he was a great guy. Fact is, you don't why she made the decision she did, but I doubt she made it lightly.

I'm not trying to just discourage you. Rather to make sure that you are aware there are many different things to consider. Like your own true readiness and ability to meet your birthfather no matter who he is. I'm sure you've imagined the wonderful person he might be. Now I want you to imagine the very worse kind of human being he might be. Either could be true...just be ready.

I also want you to think of the consequences. He may not want to know you. My adopted brother is that kind of father. He has two children from different marriages that he ran out on and even when his daughter needed vital medical history from him that might have helped her and her new born son, he lied and just ditched out.

I also want you to think of the consequences of how this may effect your Mom. Finding your birthfather is not just about you. Your Mom may or may have not had a good reason for doing what she did. When and if you find him you will be exposing and inviting him back into not just your life but your Mom's as well. And that may not be a good thing on more levels than you are contemplating.

I would sit down and talk with your Mom again telling her just how important it is to you and that you want to search. I would have a few sessions with a counselor to make sure you are ready to meet him regardless of who he is. I would ask your Mom about your grandparents and any other aunts and uncles. Please do those things first.

Do you know your father's name. In all likelihood his name is probably on your birth certificate. If you don't have it birth certificate, you can contact your state capitol, Bureau of Vital Statistics and ask them how you get a copy sent to you. It may cost around $10. Then be prepared to wait. It used to take only a couple weeks, but since 9/11 and the Patriot Act, more and more people are needing and wanting their birth certificates so the demand is greater. While you are waiting for the birth certificate, I would take that time to consider all I've said and if you are truly mature, you will do the things suggested to make sure you are ready and to make sure that you are protecting your Mom.

I wish you happiness. More than that I want you to know down to your socks that meeting and knowing your father is not a magic pill and will not fill that void. I learned that leasson and am so glad I did before I met my birthmother. Had I not, I would have been more than disappointed. Very few people can rise to what we imagine.

Best to you always.

Answer 2

I'll bite on this one, and it is not an easy topic.
I passionately love genealogy, and encourage people to jump in. There is a huge reality though in this world... in the last century, it is becoming much more common to be divorced, or a single mom. SOME of those single moms will not want contact with the dad, for absolutely good reasons... and even some, will not be certain who the dad is. Jerry Springer makes a hell of a living off that.
Some bio dads are thrilled to find about an unknown child. Others will have to be hog tied to get a paternity test.
NOTHING I SAY HERE IS MEANT TO BE JUDGING ANYONE.. absolutely the opposite. Just commenting on a shift in society, compared to the 1800's which is normally the time frame I play in.
Yes.. MANY people do understand what you are saying, from personal experience. So I can acknowledge what you say, and hope that there is a father in your life that does love you.

Answer 3

Just a word of advise....He may not believe you when you find him because he was not told. I would suggest that you post on message boards looking for him. Someone may see it and know him and let him know or he may see it. Give him the chance to contact you on his own terms don't just dump it in his lap. On the message board put everything you know and state that you would very much like to meet him. Don't post your phone number!!!!!! put your email address and let him contact you that way and when he feels comfortable with it he will ask for your number. Too many weirdos out there to put your number out there. Talk to your Mom she may know where he's at.

Answer 4

If you know his name and what state he is in, you could try looking up the electrol rolls which are quite useful for this sort of thing. If you don't know what state he is in look up all of them. Also the Salvation Army are very helpful in helping people find birth parents.

Answer 5

to your family

Answer 6

If you know what state, try switchboard.com or yahoo people.

Good luck!!