Sister-n-law issures?

Question

My finace' & i choice to get married in Maui in July and have invited family and some close friends. There are about 20 people coming,everyone is being totally cool about and are very excited to be coming.Only problem is my fiance' sister n law.They dont have alot of money,I mean they arent hurting for anything but they definitley had to save for this.We told everyone about the wedding about a year and a half ago so people would have plenty of time to save what they needed. Anyways,whenever we talk she brings up the fact that flights are so expenive and basically complains about the everything. I try to be sympathetic but its just really getting on my nerves.i dont want to not get along with her and i dont want my finace' to have to deal with it b/c he is really close to his brother but its really makig me feel bad.They are coming out the day before the wedding and his brother is going to miss alot of stuff.We even offered for them to just stay with ous a couple of days b4 the wedding

Answer 1

My fiance and I are getting married in Maui too, next summer. We've given everyone 16 months to save. They're all happy though and are treating it like a holiday. To be honest I feel a bit like no-one realises it's our ***honeymoon***, so it's not just another holiday.
If your sis-in-law-to-be thinks she will have probs affording to come she should have said it before now. I bet if she had come to you both in privacy and had an honest heart-to-heart then something could have been worked out but what she's doing now is making sly little digs and hoping you will say that you will pay for her.
As it means so much to your future husband and you don't want to cause a rift then you two will have to be the bigger couple. Take them aside (or maybe just him!) and kindly suggest that they take out a loan. After all, it ***is*** a wedding. Surely that's worth paying back over a year or two?
Also don't forget. If she's not married then she's probably sick with jealously and isn't interested in making it extra special for you and if she is married then she'll still be jealous that you are the centre of attention and her day in the sun is over.
I'm a bit woried that one of my fiances siblings will try to turn it into a double wedding and completely steal my thunder. Thank God when I said this to my future husband he said he would be very unhappy wityh that and would not let it happen.

Answer 2

My fiance and I are in the process of planning our destination wedding on Kaua'i, so let me just say, I feel your pain!!!

First of all, you've got to understand that you are ABSOLUTELY within your rights to be ticked off here. What your sis-in-law is doing is NOT helping you at all....and, to be perfectly honest with you....is really, really stinking rude.

HOWEVER...

Since she's about to become your sister-in-law, you've got to at least make an attempt to understand what she's going through, or risk putting a strain on your fiance's relationship with his brother (and, by proxy, the rest of his family).

See, from her perspective, you're just some chick who's about to marry her husband's brother (a guy who isn't REALLY even related to her)...who's expecting her to fly all the way the heck to Maui for a wedding...who's probably expecting gifts IN ADDITION to wedding attendence...who's not taking into account her money situation when planning a wedding...blah, blah, blah. You get the point, I'm sure.

It's very likely that deep down she's very likely feeling a bit embarassed that this is a monitary stretch for them. No-one likes being reminded that they're "poor", and every single time she thinks about the fact that they spending all this money to attend YOUR wedding, she probably resents you a little more.

(Oh...and there's also the possibility that she's jealous of you and the fact that it's YOUR wedding in YOUR choice of locations, and the spotlight's gonna be on YOU...rather than her...but those are her OWN issues and you shouldn't have to worry about them!!!)

The thing is, there's nothing you can do about how she feels, because that's all her. You can't tell her to shut up and stop complaining or to not bother coming because that'll cause a huge rift in your fiancee's family, but, in the same breath, you can't continue to let her get you down.

So...what to do?

Well, first off...I'd just let it go. Acknowledge that she's going to be bitter and upset and that's all there is to it. Once you acknowledge that she's going to be like that, then just let it go. Tell yourself that her attitude is what it is and there's nothing you can do to change it right now.

Now, you COULD just leave it at that...but if you want to go the extra mile, then the next time you talk to her, just make sure that you tell her how much you appreciate the fact that she's coming. Tell her how much it means to you and your fiance that she and her husband are going to be there...for however long they can make it.

In fact, If you REALLY want to offer the olive branch, you CAN try to get her involved in some of the planning or preparations...it's possible that having a personal stake or responsibility in the whole thing will help her want to be a part of it and help her forget the bitterness and share in your excitement!!!

Hope this helps...and congratulations!!!

Answer 3

Maybe it really is a financial issue, but it sounds to me like she could be jealous. If that's the case, then she will find something to complain about no matter what it is that you do to try to improve the situation. You have done your best. I would just let it go. You're just going to have to listen to her complain. As long as she's not being too over the top with it, I don't think it's worth starting an argument. I hope you have a wonderful wedding day! Congratulations!

Answer 4

Ignore her and look forward to your wedding. She either attends or doesn't.

That being said...when people pick destination resorts for their wedding, they must understand that the cost of getting to and staying in those places is very expensive for some people. They may want to come to the wedding, but it is an economic burden that they may not be able to afford or have other needs for the funds. If she doesn't come, don't hold it against her.

Answer 5

well you have to understand a trip to maui is a big deal i couldnt offord to go, even if you did tell everone a year and a half ago. when people arer paying their own way they tend to have more of an opion about everything. that is just the way it goes. if you payed for their whole trip then she wouldn't be able to say anything. but if i was her i would be a little ticked off too, haveing to spend that kind of money to go to maui and not get to do a single thing i wanted to do.after i worked for months and months. look at it from her point of view. you planned a wedding then everyone has to pay a lot of money to attend. i bet no one is real happy about but she is the only one talking.

Answer 6

My husband calls these "issues that need tissues".
You do not like the fact that your fiance's brother & sister in law do not want to spend a year's savings to go see you get married. You could have chosen to marry here & honeymoon in Haiwii. Would you prefer his brother not attend - if so, tell him. Do not expect family members to not be happy about needing to save for a year to help fulfill your fantasy wedding.
It seems to me both you & your soon to be sister in law are being selfish but I think you are being thoughtless also.

Answer 7

You have done as much as you can. So if she can't go, so bet! many other people would not be able to make it either, not everyone can afford a hawaii trip, and that is quite common on destination weddings. You can make it up to them later when you return, have lunch or dinner with them after the honeymoon.

Goodluck

Answer 8

Don't make an issue of this at all. I think destination weddings are really selfish, unless the couple is footing the total bill for everyone to go.

Answer 9

if you gave them that much notice, then you need to just stop worrying about it and enjoy your wedding plans.

I just checked flight/hotel/car for a week from JFK to Oahu to Maui less than 1200 per peson, and that is 4 months notice.

My grandmother always told me.......Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

Maybe after the wedding you can show her how to open a saving account and the discipline that it requires to use it.

Congrats and have a wonderful wedding!!

We spent our 25th anniversary there... beautiful!

Answer 10

Don't worry over it, you cant please everyone, some people just like to complain, and I think she is one. There might be a bit of jealousy going there too, not only over your gorgeous wedding but the fact that you are now getting attention that used to be for her. It sounds to me like you have been more than helpful and from now on I would just ignore her.