What should I do about 17 y/o step daughter?

Question

She had been living with us for seven months and had been going to school (skipping a few times). She went back home to visit mother then decided to run away, had her fun then called daddy back to say she wanted to come home to us. I refused because her background (gangs, truancy, sex, etc.) was affecting my 11 y/o daughter, she started emulating her as far as her talk, and dressing similar. Step daughter has not been home for a while and things are ok but I know my husband worries about her and wants her with him, he is constantly in a bad mood because she is not there. I don't know if I should give her another shot because I know her chances of doing something with her life are better here than with her mom. He says the same thing but I am worried my daughter might follow in her foot steps. I've talked to my daughter about the step daughter's behaviour and how I don't want her down the same path but am feeling guilty because I refuse to bring her back. Feel like crap!

All of your advice is great. When I married my husband I wanted his kids to be with us all the time (3 girls). He chose for them not to meet our daughter until she was almost a year old after that we had not had anything to do with them (his choice) until seven months ago. I am willing to overlook my husband's selfishness because I know this is the best place for her to be. My story is so long and complicated I can write a book and it would be a best seller. For those of you that have had similar experiences, please do not judge me, I am trying to do my best to help someone I am not obligated to. I can just as easily get up and leave and I don't. Thank you though for your advice.

Answer 1

I am a mother of 4 children, all are teens. Whew!
We are also a step - parent family, my husband is the step-father to my children. I also have a SIL who sent her teen daughter to live with her grandparents for lots of reasons, but she didn't get along with step-dad. Sounds to me like you are a wonderful person, mother and wife. It is now time to be a good a step-mother. You have a shot to make a difference in her life, and give her a proper path to follow. I agree with setting the rules to her, write a contract that is reasonable for everyone. Go over and set the rules "fair" rules with curfews and things set forth. It takes time for an ntervention and to make a difference, it doesn't happen over night, but if you try and go into an "aggreement" then you do your part, it's up to her to follow through or fail. Give her the choice. Ball will be in her court so to speak, and she has the chance to strike out or make a homerun. Be sure your rules are clear and fair, add the things about your 11 yr. old daughter as well. If you don't at least give it more chance, you will forever have the blame from the father and the daughter and maybe even the 11 yr. old. If you at least try then you have done your part so to speak. I believe you could make the difference in this teen's life. Think of her as your very own, as you do your 11 yr. old, what would you do, if it were your 11 yr. old??? Then you'll have your answer.

Answer 2

First you need to talk to your own daughter about the step daughter's behavior and make sure she understands what is going on and that she can be a real bad influence. Then you talk to your husband about you being able to give her another chance under your conditions. Then schedule an appointment for both of you (girls) for a pedicure manicure, on you of course, to spend girl time and bond. Explain to her that all of you can be a great familly but things will have to be different around the house. If she is not willing to follow those rules, well she can return with her mother. don't forget that it's not only about living together, it's about having fun together, loving eachother, she will need to trust you and learn to be with you. You can also make her feel special by telling her that she is your daughters role model, her example and that she needs to have a great step sister. Assure her that living all together can be great if you all try a little harder. If money is not too much of a problem, promise her a shopping spree once in a while if she behaves correctly. This is probably the greatest reward for a 17 year old. Communications is the key to any problems! Good luck and be strong, I'm sure it's difficult and that the relationship between you and your husband is not the same, but you need to try harder. That's the reason why you were blessed with childrens, because you can do it! I've been through a personal episode not too long ago and now, we are like the perfect familly, we enjoy every moment of it!

Answer 3

As a once 17 y/o who pushed her limits and both sets of parents to the edge...

I think that you and your husband need to sit down and set limits and rules of behaviour for your household. When dealing with your stepdaughter always present a united front in front of her, and until things settle down make sure it is her dad that is the authoritarian and disciplinarian, don't get sucked into the big, bad stepparent trap. Then, perhaps even with a counsellor (who can be a non-partisan third party and aid in advocating for your stepdaughter) sit down with her and give her the choice of coming back with full knowledge of all the rules that you and your husband expect followed.

Be sure to explain the effects of her influence and transience on your daughter. Spin it so that she feels like she could be a role model. Focus on all the positive that you can think of, what she can offer the family and how important it is to everyone, related through blood and marriage, that she is a participating and beloved member.
Continue with the counsellor to discuss family issues - allow your stepdaughter to feel like she has some say and ability to negotiate with you and your husband over the rules (rule of thumb: ask for more, negotiate down to what you can live with!)

Maybe she is feeling so lost over things that you don't know about that she need someone to reach out, set limits for her and take the burden off her shoulders.

Best wishes, families are hard - blended families are the hardest, but just as rewarding, if not more...

Answer 4

If she has a better chance at improving her life by living with you then she should definetly come home. However, I would be putting down from very strict rules for when she comes back. As for your daughter acting like her and dressing like her, don't buy her those type of clothes and if you catch her in them make her change and be sure to punish her for any disrespectful behavior.

There is going to be some tough-love going on for awhile if you and your husband decide to let her come home. Although she may resent it now hopefully when she gets older she will know that you only did these things because you love her and wanted to help her

Answer 5

I'm sorry... but you really should feel like crap. Kids act out for a reason. Maybe you guys should try to get to the bottom of that.
I feel for your step daughter because I was once in her shoes. I didn't do half the things she does, but I have a step mom who basically treated me like sh*t because I didn't fit in to her picture of the ideal family. YOU chose a man with a child, so you have to deal with it. How would you feel if god forbid, things didn't work out with your husband and he remarried, and there was another woman in the picture. If she treated your daughter like that, I'm pretty sure you'd be pissed.
I understand that you don't want your daughter to follow in her footsteps, but all you can do is be the best parent you can be and pray that everything turns out okay.
I'm 27 years old now and me and my fathers relationship is just now starting to mend because of how I was treated back then. And, with me being grown now and pregnant with my first child, I have lost a lot of respect for my step mother because of the situation. And, I don't think that will ever be repaired. It has also affected my relationship with my little sister.
Personally, I think you are being a little selfish. If you care anything about your stepdaughter, you would allow her back into your home with open arms. You said yourself that it is the best place for her. Get her some help, and try to be there for her WITHOUT judgement. Try to steer her in the right direction. That may be just what she needs.

Answer 6

I would say tell her to straighten up her act or she's out! I wouldn't want to ruin my own daughter's mind in the way your step acts it's just not fair to you OR your daughter. She's lashing out for attention apparently mommy doesn't have any discipline for her either so if your husband doesn't like it then he can get that set right first! It's NOT fair that your husband is in a crummy mood because she isn't there! He has ANOTHER daughter too! Good Luck with your step daughter I KNOW it's not easy, but she's already 17 not much change, but "tough love" ~T~ ;)

Answer 7

Keep her out of your house. Look people don't change for no reason. Your step daughter is messing up, and will continue to mess up until something changes. Such as her hitting rock bottom, or getting arrested, or something major. Your main concern right now should be making sure your younger daughter does not turn out the same. Plus she is almost 18 and once that hits, there is really nothing you can do. Also if you do decided to help her, don't let her live with you. You can help in other ways.

Answer 8

Well, you will have to be firm with both daughters, so the 11 year old knows what the older one is doing is wrong, and try to stop some of the bahavior. Realistically, this won't work perfectly, but it isn't right for you to just refuse her from your home. Put yourself in your husband's situation- would you want him to just kick your daughter out? Probably not. . . .

Answer 9

This is really something you and your husband HAVE to talk through. When you talk, come up with a game plan: chores, rules, curfew. and agree that when one of these things are broken, what will be done about it. This will show him that you want to try, you want him to be happy. Also . . spend some alone quality time with her. Get to know her. As horrible as this may sound: take her to the mall, buy her an outfit, or make-up, but remember : Don't be a critic to her style. Try to stay open minded. Once you form a bond with her, you'll be able to talk to her and possibly figure out why she acts the way she does.

Answer 10

It is your husband's job to handle her daughter. Step parents are not supposed to be the disciplinarians unless you have them from before they were 5.

It is your house and you set the rules. however, your husband must get a back bone and enforce them or you'll end up being the horrible step mom and not much will be resolved.

At this point it might totally be worth it to pay for therapy for her with a councilor that she can trust and feels comfortable . It is a hard transition and a neutral party might be just what she needs.

i hope things get better!