We have always been long distance and we fought all the time, so I did the mistake of hanging out with other girls....never sex, but everything else. I never broke up with her because I was so physically attracted to her, and because of the long distance, I never really saw her anyway. About a year ago, she became into the perfect woman who I fell madly in love with and eventually asked her to marry me. I have not thought of another girl since. How do I tell her about what I did in the beginning? Do I tell her? Do I tell her everything? There is no way she is going to be cool with what Ill have to say.
2007-03-22 05:57:32 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
If you can seriously put it in the past, and never do it again then maybe it is better left unsaid. As you never had sex with the other girls then you could try and forgive yourself, and let it go, however you should take a long look at your relationship with your fiancee to see what prompted you to cheat in the first place, and try and resolve these issues before you get married.
2007-03-22 06:06:22 · answer #1 · answered by Katie C 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You should tell her. She deserves to know what she's getting into and should choose for herself whether she wants to take the risk of having an unfaithful husband. If you were already married, I would advise not to tell her, but you're not. This affects the rest of her life, and you owe her an informed decision. Maybe she will forgive you, but it has to be her choice. You can't control and manipulate the facts to get what you want. That's what you did in the past. Now, you're questioning whether you should manipulate her and the facts again just to get what you want. Can you see that? If you honor and respect her and want a marriage built on a solid foundation, so this can never come up and destroy you, then you need to do this.
I am concerned though, that you said you didn't break up because of only PHYSICAL attraction, and that you said SHE changed to BECOME your ideal. People don't change their personality or character and become something else. Either you both changed and grew together, or else distance caused you to see what you want to see. It's more likely that she is the same person she has always been. So will you cheat on her again when you're married and see all of her flaws? What about her physical beauty? What if that goes away? What if she gains weight after childbirth? What about when her hair turns gray? Will you suddenly be no longer attracted to her?
She should have a say in this too. It's her life and her future as much as it is yours.
2007-03-22 13:13:00 · answer #2 · answered by lizardmama 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well buddy, you're in quite a pickle. I honestly think you need to consider who you are now versus who you were then. It seems like you are committed to her "now", but what troubles me is that you said "she became the perfect woman"...
What happens if she changes something about herself or starts acting a little different and she is not the "perfect person" any more? Will you cheat again? I have to be honest with you, women aren't the same person every day. I've been married for 7 years, and been with her for 13 years, and she probably has about 38 distinct personalities. The trick is, you have to love every single one of them.
If you don't think she'll accept what you have to say, and you think you really do love her the way I've described, then I would tell you to forget it ever happened. Try to put it behind you and stay committed to your fiance.
If you don't think you can love her the way you need to in order to be a successful marriage, then you should probably tell her and accept the consequences of your actions.
either way, good luck. It's tough to deal with, but do the right thing and you'll be happy in the long run.
2007-03-22 13:06:04 · answer #3 · answered by ski4ever1977 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh Sweets... I feel HER pain!
If ANY of your friends know about this, then there is a chance they might tell. If you are positive that there is NO WAY she will EVER find out... don't tell her. She won't take it well.
If she is going to find out somehow, even if there is just a chance, you had best tell her and now, finding out the hard way and knowing the person you loved so much you wanted to spend the rest of your life with has LIED to you for so long, is worse than knowing that he cheated.....
If she might find out, then sit her down, be honest, and put the emotions that you feel into it. Don't say "I didn't do anything wrong" admit it! Let her know that it was while you were apart, and you were confused. Tell her that you didn't know how much you loved her until she came back into your life.
Best of luck, Sweets... If you really love her, then I hope it works out for you.
2007-03-22 13:06:34 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The longer it is before she finds out, the worse it is going to be for you. You have to tell her. If she's not okay w/ it, and you marry her anyway, think about how unfair to her that is to her. I realize she will NOT be happy, but all you can do is just tell her. If you're prepared to be life partners, then think of it as something you can work through together. If she's as crazy about you as you are about her, then I'm sure that she will stay with you. It will be important, though, that she trusts that it will never happen again.
2007-03-22 13:11:18 · answer #5 · answered by asig33882003 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Geez that's a double edged sword...look my advice is to be honest...no relationship is worth it, if you have lies in the foundation...if this woman is as perfect as you say she is, then she will let it slide, she'll be pissed...OH BOY WILL SHE EVER...but i think if you let her know that you're just trying to be honest with this and that you don't want to lose her over lies, and beg her for a new beginning in your new marriage, then you may be let off with sleeping on the couch for a week or so...just emphasize the new beginning part and how you want to be totally honest with her this day forth...and if this advice doen't work for you...then my bad.
2007-03-22 13:08:48 · answer #6 · answered by Sire_D 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow i am sorry to say this but you dont deserve this girl, well i think is better that you tell her because if she finds out from other people is going to be worst. Is really a hard situation but you should of thought about this before staying with her so long. You should of really thought of the consequences but you should ask yourself, are you reallyl going to change?? But really you should be honest with her and well from there you will decide if everything you did before was worth it.
2007-03-22 13:03:55 · answer #7 · answered by only me 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Wow, that's a tough one. I would say that you have to be honest with the one you love. I think if you phrase it the why you did here, he will understand. Maybe not immediately, but it seems like, if she is a reasonable person, she will be glad that you were honest with her. I don't know though... your definately in a pickle...
2007-03-22 13:03:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well, I guess you could tell her because I guess having female friends isn't cheating and if you are being honest about the no sex thing, no harm no foul.
2007-03-22 13:09:03 · answer #9 · answered by H.B.K. 2 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
shes gonna find out sooner or later. its best that you are the one to tell her, and take the chance of losing her, you did this now you have toown up to it .
2007-03-22 13:04:33 · answer #10 · answered by clubchaos1965 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋