Do you ever regret having a bi-racial baby? My friend confided to me that she does. Is this common?

Question

My female friend confided to me this weekend that she deep down wishes that her children were the same race as herself. She has 3 sons 9, 7 and 3 and their dad is black and she is white. She says that she loves her kids regardless of their color but she now regrets having children outside her race. She was in her teens when she had the first two, but has had many failed relationships with black men and she says that most white men won't date her and accept her kids. Is this a common feeling for people that have children outside their race but still love their kids? Will this feeling pass? I don't know what to say to her?

Answer 1

Is it because of the failed relationships? This may be it. Hopefully, the father is in the picture because these boys will need a black role model, especially if their own mother is against them. She should put them in a big brother program or something and get some counseling for herself. The man that she eventually finds, whether black or white, will HAVE to accept her kids. However, it starts with her accepting them.

Answer 2

I have a beautiful bi-racial baby and don't regret it at all. I think it wrong for your friend to blame her children for being mix and a white man won't accept her and her kids. If the guy won't accept her and her kids they the guy isn't worth it. Your friend should have patience the right guy will come along. Also if your friend is only attracting losers, then that is what she is looking for. I heard of a saying that say "If you are looking for a bad ***, then that's what you'll get and if you want a positive guy then that's what you'll get."

I read some of the other people comments that bi-racial kids will be teased and treated badly. Well, that happens to any kid no matter their race. I know that some people still don't accept mix kids, what I will tell my daughter in the future, is that she is beautiful and no matter what people say she is unique, smart and to always follow her heart.

Answer 3

If she has three children, I imagine most men wouldn't date her regardless of their color. Unfortunately, most men simply don't want to take responsibility for someone else's kids. I went through the same thing and both I and my daughter are white. It sounds like she has made a lot of bad relationship choices. I think you should encourage her to get some counseling if she can. If she is having regrets about her children or feels that they are interfering in her life, this is esp. important. Those types of feelings can turn ugly and kids can sense them. You don't say how old your friend is, but it may be that she needs to just focus on her children for a while and not worry about having a boyfriend. I know it can be tough, but with support from other good friends she can pull her life back together and start making better choices.

Answer 4

I am white and my boyfriend of 5 years is black, i would have biracial children with him and would be ecstatic. Biracial children are so beautiful. I think that for her to regret the color of her children is an aweful thing and I think that she should stop looking for a man to be with her. If a man will not accept her children, then he does not accept her. I wish your friend the best of luck and I hope she realizes that her problem is with her choice in men not with her beautiful children.

Also tell her not to give up, my boyfriend is an AMAZING man and there is someone out there for everyone, whether that person may be white, black, puerto rican, indian, or what have you....no matter what her childrens race it will be hard to find a man to accept 3 children...

Answer 5

Oh my gosh. I adopted a biracial little girl when she was 4 months old. My husband and I were 19 and 21. We love her with all our hearts. I think we are all equal in the eyes of God, and we should never think less of a person because of race. I bet your friend's children are as beautiful as my daughter is. She's a beautiful, exotic doll, and if anyone ever said anything less, I would pummel them. I have received stares, and at times, it is offputting, but if I could have carried her, the color she is, in my own uterus, I most definitely would have. I didn't choose her because I couldn't have kids, either. I was young, too young, but she needed a home, and we gave her one. She's the most gorgeous, intelligent 3 1/2 year old I know.

Sorry to ramble about my own situation, but I do feel sorry for your friend. Maybe it's herself she needs to look at, not her children. She sounds like she chooses bad relationships, no matter the race, and doesn't think she is good enough to do better. Once she realizes she's worthy, her children's color won't matter at all.

Answer 6

You say, "what's done is done. you can't change the past." And I know i will be called racist and whatever else for saying this, but it's true that most white men don't want to date a girl who has been with a black man and especially has kids by him. BUT their are real men who don't care. As long as she loves her children and takes care of them that's all that should matter to her. She shouldn't be worried about who her next boyfriend will be, that's what go her into this mess in the first place.

Answer 7

First of all, there was a simple solution for this: don't have sex with someone of another race if you don't want biracial babies.

Second, she obviously is lousy at picking men. Where is she meeting them, in the clubs, at bars, at stoplights? She has to focus her search for a mate on finding a quality man. Don't settle for any slick talking, nice-car-driving guy that comes along. Date for a while, don't jump right into bed. If she does, the guy has what he wants and is ready to move along.

Second, while it may be true that a lot of white men won't get involved with her because of her kids, there are some that are smart enough and evolved enough to not care. if they like her, they like her. I work for a child welfare agency and i meet lots of mixed couples who not only have bi-racial kids of their own but adopt or care for others. I know one bi-racial couple who not only have bi racial kids, but adopted a white child and a black child. They don't care because the love their kids.

It's not a common feeling to resent the race of your baby. Most women I know would kill for their baby, regardless of the fact it's biracial. They look at their child and see their baby, that's it. She HAS to get over this, for the child's sake. That's her flesh and blood there. It would be a shame for her to get angry at her kids one day and say something she will regret for the rest of her life.

This woman cannot go on feeling resentful about her kids. She's all they have in this world and if their own mother rejects them, what else do they have? It seems like she's putting her search for a man over raising her kids. Why else would she even begin to be resentful? Tell her to stop focusing on finding a man and concentrate on making her kids be the best, most well-adjusted people they can be. They need her more than she needs another man.

Answer 8

Maybe her kids are having some sort of hard time, or maybe its just her having a hard time with white men If these men wont accept her kids then it wouldnt have worked even if they were white. C'mon, why would that bother them? They arent right for her anyway if they cant accept her kids for whatever reason.
I have several friends with bi-racial kids and I have never heard them say anything about it.
Just be there for her and keep telling her she will find some one when the time is right.

Answer 9

Seems like she's only saying this because her relationship with the father didn't work out.
I'm white and my husband is Mexican we have a son together and a baby on the way in two weeks and i can't wait to see her!! I know she's going to be as beautiful as her brother.
Even if one day something went wrong between my husband and i, i would never regret having my children because without him i wouldn't have my son.
Your friend just needs to find the right man and one day when she meets the man who accepts her children for who they are than she'll know it's because he loves her.
True love is color blind.
I think it's selfish to blame her children for the love of a man, i would rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever regret my babies. She knew what she was doing now she has to deal with it. Hopefully she can pull herself together and see what's really important!

Answer 10

My mother is half African-American and half Filipino. Her mother had this problem.

This feeling will probably come and go: as long as society has issues with black people she will continually face predjudice, as will her children. She will have regrets.

All she can do is pray and stay strong. There are men, black, white, Hispanic, and Asian, who don't mind children of different races.

Tell her not to keep her mind on her mistakes, but on the prize of love and happiness for her children and herself.

Tell her that wishing things were different does not make her a bad mother, nor does having doubts.

When she is blue, try to cheer her a bit by doing things she loves.

As for dating, tell her European men are many times more open-minded about having children like this.

Tell her to try Sweden. I have been there many times and she can email, etc. There are many Swedish men who have adopted half black, Asian, or Latino children.