We've been living together for two yrs. now And I've been totally honest and truthful on this whole marriage deal from the first time we hooked up. I do not want to get married. Maybe someday but I can't say. And I'm not one to lead her on by saying "Someday". It causes a break down between us everytime it is talk about, Or I can read her like a book when it's on her mind. I know it is a valid dream for her to hear those wedding bells. But I'm not the one right now. Thing have gotten so bad that it cause us to fight about nothing. And I've tried to let her go. But she won;t allow it. Now don't get me wrong I love her so much. And would be crushed if she left, but I know her dreams are important so I'm willing to cut her loose. What to do? My mind is boggled.
2007-03-22 04:24:48 · 11 answers · asked by Brown Sug. 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
We've been living together for two yrs. now And I've been totally honest and truthful on this whole marriage deal from the first time we hooked up. I do not want to get married. Maybe someday but I can't say. And I'm not one to lead her on by saying "Someday". It causes a break down between us everytime it is talk about, Or I can read her like a book when it's on her mind. I know it is a valid dream for her to hear those wedding bells. But I'm not the one right now. Thing have gotten so bad that it cause us to fight about nothing. And I've tried to let her go. But she won;t allow it. Now don't get me wrong I love her so much. And would be crushed if she left, but I know her dreams are important so I'm willing to cut her loose. What to do? My mind is boggled. To get in a little history. I've been a bad marriage. I got married at a young age think "Love was enough" and worked hard to make it work for 6 yrs. But it failed.
2007-03-22 05:52:34 · update #1
You didn't say why she wants to marry you so badly, that she's made that into a condition to stay with you.
Mom of my good friend who is living with her boyfriend for 25 yrs by now told me once:
"Now, I'm loving him ( her boyfriend), taking care of him spending my life with him. If we got married we would have expenses for the wedding, I would have to change my documents ( because of surname changed), than I would love him, take care of him, spend my life with him, and if we split up we would have to pay for divorce lawyers. This way everything is the same, only it's less expensive!"
If two people love each other paper is not important to them, if they don't no marriage will solve the problem
If for her is more important a piece of paper than your love, let her go. She's not good enough for you.
2007-03-22 04:44:21 · answer #1 · answered by meow_bi 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I absolutely understand living together and not wanting to (or not sure if you want to) get married. That's why my girlfriend and I moved in together, in order to try and figure that out. And it's helped, we've been talking about it, but neither of us wants to take that step right now. I want to become more stable in my career and she wants to finish graduate school, and then we'll see.
There's something a bit troubling if she'd rather be married than be with you, but there's nothing wrong with letting her pursue her dreams (and they are valid) if you can't be a part of them. It shows a lot that you're being honest with her about what you want, but don't ever get married just because it's what SHE wants.
She's ultimately the one who has to decide what's more important, being married or being with you. Once the wedding bells are over, she'll have to face her relationship to the husband that she's chosen, and married life isn't all bliss. Don't ever let anyone tell you "You can always get a divorce"; it's much easier to get married than divorced, and neither is a decision that should be made without a clear mind.
The part you've left out of this question is if you two have talked about marriage rather than mentioned it, and discussed reasons why she does and you don't. That might be the cause of these fights, and if you fight about nothing, then perhaps communication isn't as open as you think, which isn't a healthy start to a marriage anyway.
2007-03-22 11:40:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is great that you have been completely honest from the beginning. Sit her down when you are both calm. Tell her you know it really bothers her that you aren't married and you are sorry for that. Tell her your life would be miserable without her but that you don't know if you will ever be able to get married to her or anyone else. (If you have reasons for this such as watching your parent's marriage fail or whatever, you might mention them.) Assure her that you love her. Let her know you are telling her this because the tension is stressing your relationship and you don't want her to be unhappy. You are committed to her and the relationship but you may never be able to make it official with a ceremony. Tell her you would love to stay together but if a wedding is the only thing that will make her happy, you are willing to sacrifice your happiness so that she can find that with someone else.
2007-03-22 11:41:26 · answer #3 · answered by iceemama 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've never understood people who want to be in a relationship, but did not want to be married. Sure being married is different from just dating, even if you already live together and have kids together, but all it takes is a little more work. It would be different if you did not want a relationship either.
Anyway, if you don't want to get married then you're gonna have to break her heart. There is no other way and it will happen with or without your help. If you don't do it on purpose though, it will take years and in the end leave her bitter. My advice, break down and get married, or leave now without looking back.
2007-03-22 11:32:46 · answer #4 · answered by stn1225 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
When I got married last year I dont think my husband knew what he was getting himself into. It's hard to think and talk about it now cause he has told me that he didnt want to get married then and wanted to wait, the situation was complicated at the time but I now fell rejected when we talk about it now. I fell we also have to work twice as hard to make things work. There will be many answers saying something along the lines of talk, talk, talk. It sounds like you have, why would you not want to marry?
2007-03-22 11:35:24 · answer #5 · answered by katherinet0805 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You seriously need to sh** or get off the pot here. If you love her, then MARRY her!!!! I don't understand your hesitation. On the other hand, if your too much of a coward to face the responsibility, then at least be man enough summon up the courage to set her free to pursue her dream. I think though, from the wording of your question, you will regret this for the rest of your life.
2007-03-22 11:46:13 · answer #6 · answered by al b 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
aww..that is so sweet and nice of you. well sometimes marrige helps a person to become more mature and responsible because you have a wife to take care of now, not just yourself. why not get married since the two of u are already living together? u'll still be living together whether u get married or not. i say just marry her, besides u can always divorce her if u get so fed up with marriage.
2007-03-22 11:35:22 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
If your not ready, then tell her you'd rather just live together... I just lived together with my wife for 6 1/4 years before we got married. and we just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. :) so no worries.
Just be happy and have fun as much as possible.
2007-03-22 11:32:52 · answer #8 · answered by bill45310252 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i had this problem with my boyfriend. he told me when i was 16, that he wanted to elope on my 18th bday. i told him that i didnt want to do that. it caused huge gaps in our relationship. we were working for something so different. he wanted to get married right away, and i wasnt even sure if i wanted to be married. it ended in a break up.
so i wish you luck. dont compramise for what you want though. if you know that you dont want to get married, dont do it just to make someone happy.
(he and i were together almost 2 years when we broke up)
2007-03-22 11:30:45 · answer #9 · answered by smcopeland16 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
well if you love her then explain to her that you want to get married but just not right now and you want her to fullfil her dreams and you want her to be happy so if that means letting her go then so be it. but if she really loves you then she will understand and wait untill your ready to.
2007-03-22 11:34:46 · answer #10 · answered by William P 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋