My friend has made his son think he'll repeat 1st grade even though he isn't behind. Can I help?

Question

I have a friend who has a 7-year old son in first grade. He is a good student and is not behind in any of his subjects. His teacher, counselor, and principal have no concerns that he will not pass first grade, which my friend knows. But even so, she still thinks he is doing poorly because his performance and reading/spelling skills are not up to her expectations. Her expectations are unrealistically high, and her son is aware of that so he feels like he is a constant disappointment. He is convinced that he will not pass first grade because of this. Bi-weekly meetings with him, his mother, and counselor don't seem to be helping to get through to my friend that her son is doing fine. Is there anything I can do, say, or suggest, that could help this situation? I don't want her son to go through life thinking he's a failure because of his mother's insecurities.

Thanks for your responses so far! To address a couple things, the father is not in the picture. Therapy has been suggested to the mother but she doesn't think she is the issue. She thinks he is the issue, so he is in therapy. I guess what I'm really asking is how to get the mother to see that she is the issue and get help herself, when she won't believe that she needs to?

Also, she does try to help him. But it's too much. He is doing fine in school (A's and B's), but she is trying to get him to do better than would be realistic for him to do. He just gets frustrated.

Answer 1

its good to be encouraging but its frightfully dangerouse to be put this much pressure on a child the problem is as they get older it only gets worse and there self esteem will be gone and the constant pressure can and offen leads kids to depression and in 4 years ive known of 3 teenages comitting suicide due to not being able to cope with the constant pressure from parents to do well this is obviously an extreem case but its factual kids really hold on to what they are being told when it comes to something personal and thats really damaging if its not good things being drummed into her head and its well known that most kids respond better to encouraging words she really need to back up on this and be told the facts of what this can do to a child its really not healthy she definantly needs alot of proffessional help i hope your able to make her relise this

Answer 2

There isn't a lot you can do except talk to her as a friend and tell her straight out that what she is doing is damaging his self esteem and this may backfire on her later in life when the child rebels. This is showing the little boy that no matter what he does it will never be good enough for his mother. Find out if this is what her parents did to her, I bet it is. You friend needs some parenting classes and possible therapy to work through her issues before she damages this child. What about the father of the child? Why doesn't he step in and stop this nonsense?

Answer 3

The best you can do is to try to convince thee child that he is doing fine and that his mother just wants the absolute very best for him that is why she pushes him so hard.

I don't know why parents do this to their kids and they don't understand what it does to their self esteem to never meet up to expectations.

I had a friend as I said had. He was smart and had As and BS all through school, his parents were real hard on him like that He was in the 8th grade and got a D on his report card for the first time ever. well he couldn't deal with telling his parents and chose another way out.

Do your best to try to change the mom's attitude but make sure you reinforce to that child that he is doing great. And that you and his mother are very proud of him, even if she doesn't always remember to tell him that. Make sure you point out all the good things about him praise what work you do see to try to balance the bad criticism

Answer 4

Do you have any school papers from an older child at that age you could show the mother? Maybe if she sees how other children are doing at her son's age, then she will see he isn't behind. Maybe if the school tried a different approach with her and said something like.. 'unless there's any other concerns now, we will call you if there are problems, but right now he's scheduled to be promoted to the next grade on time.' Obviously mom has a problem dealing with reality.

Answer 5

You sound like a very caring person to be worried about this little boy. He's lucky to have you around. You can help encourage him and let him know he's okay. Your friend is insecure. My stepdaughter is in a similar situation where she will not seek therapy for herself even if it would help her child. She can't admit that she might be doing something wrong but deep down she knows what the therapist will tell her. You have to tread carefully when you talk to you friend. Your advice could be deemed interference and you'll be out of the little boys life. And he could use a good friend.

Answer 6

Poor kid if you are a close friend to the family i would try to hang out with the little guy and cheer him up some try to get it through his head that he is doing great and not stress about what mom says the kid is the one who will get it the most.seems like mom isn't ready for a change i think the only way she would see her flaws if she new how much it was taking a toll on her son maybe if you talk to the son and he expresses to you that he is depressed or feels scared tell him to tell his teacher as much as possible then his teacher and principle will have a meeting with her i think that's the only way to get her to back off is to let her see that it might be causing him to suffer in school if she keeps pushing him to stride so much.

Answer 7

That is scary. The Mom needs some therapy and probably the kids does as well, by now. She has instilled in the child a sense of failure which can result in inability to function due to fear or failure of over achievement from fear of failure. Either way these are obsessions and compulsions. She is not going to be able to stop the ball from rolling in the future without professional help.

Answer 8

Ask your friend to perform a given task (anything that you think you can get her to do) and when she completes it, indicate by word and body language that what she did to complete the task is unacceptable. Ask her to do something else, and again when she is done, indicate that what she did is not good enough. Eventually she will ask you why not and when she does, point out to her that this is what she does to her son. Maybe if she is shown a real time example of how she behaves towards and treats her son she will stop or at the very least, minimize her criticism.

Answer 9

Are you serious! 1st grade? I'm scared of what will happen to him later.. I think you need to convince her that putting the child under stress will actually be worse on his grades later (seeing as that's the only thing she cares about). Buy her a parenting book - any basic parenting article will tell her she is wrong! I think it also might help if she talks to other parents too..

Answer 10

I would ask the mother how she did in school and explain to her that school now is alot harder than when she was in there. Explain to her that the more she pushes him instead of standing beside him on the great work he is doing now will just cause him to hold a grudge against her later on in life and could possibly cause more problems in school the older he gets.