My girlfriend has been thru alot in the past and she has been hurt really bad, and I'm not trying to be someone like her ex who treats her bad. Also I'm trying to cope with her being that she is getting to be cold hearted. What should I do to help her become more of a nice person.
2007-03-22 04:14:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
You have a lot you're asking here, and I'm guessing you're a pretty genuine and happy person to be asking this, but you have to understand and accept a few things (and I say this b/c you sound like me, asking Q's here on Answers about this very same topic w/ my gf who, I would like to add, I am still seeing, so it can be done).
First, you can't change anyone who doesn't want to or isn't ready to. With my gf, it was pretty obvious fairly early on that she had some weighty baggage that she didn't want to think about. I learned a lesson years ago from a friend of mine that got lost in drugs: I couldn't do anything for him. I forgot that lesson or ignored it b/c I did care for her a lot.
Secondly, it is imperative that, if you really want to show her you're not like any of her ex's, you have to realize that it can be done and she's probably waiting for someone to do that, but it could take a REALLY long time. In my case, it took 7 or 8 months for her to even begin to trust me enough to open up. But I could just tell that she pushed at me to see if I would leave her (like everyone else did in her past, presumably). But I didn't. But it wasn't easy, either. It all comes down to knowing yourself, who you are and what you want and learning to accept that she may be a part of your "plan" but until she opens up, if she opens up at all, your "plan" is still in the works.
I would say tell her you love her, tell her you care, but pick your spots b/c I can tell you first-hand that sometimes, when someone got hurt badly enough in the past, any nerve you touch, even the love/affection/caring "nerve" can be painful. Just be calm and gentle and cherish what she does give you instead of stewing over what she doesn't or you will close up yourself. It's only then that you can decide if it's enough for you.
2007-03-22 04:38:01 · answer #1 · answered by randyken 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't change. She is the only one that can change herself. You can try to understand where she is coming from. You will need to constantly give her re-assurance all the time, that you will not hurt her the way others did. If she sees that you are truly caring for her and you give her that re-assurance, she will eventually be able to forgive those that have wronged her and be a better person. Going through hard times makes us stronger, but sometimes it can take years to become strong. She is afraid to put her trust in someone, because she doesn't want to be hurt again. Keep giving her that re-assurance and go out of your way to continue to show her that you care for her and that you don't want to see her hurt. This won't happen overnight! Just keep with it, and she will come around. It's nice to have someone there that you know you can trust, even if it takes time to be able to put your full trust in them. Good luck.
2007-03-22 11:28:16 · answer #2 · answered by puertorican_browneye_girl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, thats a tough one. I'm in the same situation... My boyfriend has dated a bunch of... well... others, and apparently none of them went well at all. The problem with us is that he's been cheated on in the past, and I just cant imagine the pain that goes with that because it's never happened to me, nor have I done it to anyone else. It's hard, because it's always in the back of his mind, even though I didn't put it there. You just have to do your best, honestly. Depending on the kind of hurt she's been through, pay special attention to those aspects. Not to say walk on eggshells to the point where you're not yourself, but just be considerate when it comes to those kinds of things. And with time, her faith in relationships will go back up. Be good to her. :)
2007-03-22 11:29:49 · answer #3 · answered by SiC 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You must be her sunshine. Show her the things that a guy in love can do for his gurl and sooner or later she has to melt. It will be tough but you gotta be persistent. Your gurl has simply put up walls and acts cold so that other people wont hurt her. When she trusts and knows you enough, the icy demeanour will disappear. She will be thankful for you sticking by her in the rough times.
2007-03-22 11:31:26 · answer #4 · answered by gurlwithqs 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that you're here for her, but you cannot live down her baggage for her. If she's treating you badly over something her ex did, find out if she wants you to help her work past it. But if she doesnt want to be nice, and work it out. There is no reason for you to stay and be her whipping boy. If she cannot get past it, you're wasting your time. And she wont respect you for staying.
2007-03-22 11:45:41 · answer #5 · answered by Perry B 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋