So confused, please help... (see details)?

Question

Last night my boyfriend was asked by his best friend's mother when he planned to pop the question to me (yeah, she's very nosey). He told her he didn't want to rush anything. To make a long story short she reminded him we've been dating for over a year and have lived together almost a year and that's no longer considered a "rush". He told her he wanted to get some things straightened out money-wise before any long term commitments were made. The thing that makes me confused about this is that he just bought a new $1100 56" TV, a $300 stand for the new TV, an Xbox 360 for $400, he bought new furniture last year right before I moved in that was $2300 (couch, love seat, end tables, and coffee table), and just got a '99 Chevy Tahoe a few days ago for $8100. The only thing he really needed was the new truck. He can definitely afford these things but, obviously, it'll be a while before everything is "straightened out". Does he just not want to marry me?

FYI:
I'll be 21 in May, he just turned 23.
This has been bothering me since last night when he told me about the conversation so I just wanted some input/opinions.
We used to talk about getting married all the time the first few months we started dating but now he hardly ever mentions it.

For Blunt: I don't consider ages 21-23 to be "babies" as you so offensivelly put it. I do consider myself to still be young but I also consider myself a woman, and calling us "babies" is very extreme. Also, I don't think a year is considered "just started dating". A year is a very long time believe it or not.

Also, I wanted to clarify something: I'm not trying to rush me and my boyfriend into marriage nor am I trying to force or pressure him into it, I just didn't understand why he would spend so much money and then say we couldn't get married until our finances are straightened out. Sorry, I was a little unclear on that :-)

Answer 1

I think you see where his priorities lie right now. Tonight why don't you say to him "I've been thinking about what you told me yesterday regarding your conversation with your friend's mom, what can we do to start being more financially stable, do you want to start a savings account we both contribute to, or something like that?" You can also let him know that you are a little confused about the money remark since he has spent quite a lot on "luxuries" in the past year. It sounds as if you two don't "pool" your money, but keep it "his" and "hers". That still lets you know that there is not a full committment to "ours" and "us". Since he has spent so lavishing in the last year but used the money as an "excuse" for not committing to you he may just be looking for "excuses". Good luck to you and God Bless.

Answer 2

It sounds as though he was giving you a message through the story he told you about his friend's mother. He doesn't appear to be ready for marriage, and I can certainly understand that given your ages.

I assume you have you had specific discussions about your medium and long term goals, both relationally and professionally? It may be time to have another such conversation. I would not make it a conversation about marriage, but about what your (both of you) desires, dreams, plans are.

Tell him that he is a major part of your present and you envision him as a major part of your future, but you don't want to assume that he is in the same place and just want to clarify. If marriage is something that you want in the immediate or short term future and he doesn't share that desire, then you need to know that so you can adjust your expectations. He may be interested in marriage as well, but may have different ideas about when this should happen.

One other thing to consider, if you are already living together, what are the pros and cons of getting married. You may want to have this conversation with your boyfriend as well. The key is for you and your boyfriend to have these types of conversations. Outsiders may be able to contribute a little, but only you two can make your lives together!

Answer 3

Maybe he considers you married already. I mean you are living together, that's a big commitment. What is so wrong with marrying at the courthouse as opposed to a big lavish wedding? If he says no to a court marriage than he is not being committed. Your both very young, your minds can be changed in the future. Its only a year....my friend has waited 15 years and still not married. they are living together with a kid. Good luck!

Answer 4

I understand your frustration but he and you are not babies but you are still young. Heck, I am 27 and I am still a little scared about getting married because it means we have to share everything, there is no more me or him it is us. Your man is enjoying babying himself which is normal and okay. He may not be ready for that commitment yet. However, you do have the right to say well if we are not getting married I dont think it is right to live together. You may decide to live on your own for a while and not let him have it easy. Make him realize that he might be taking you for granted.

Answer 5

This is probably his way of telling your best friend's mother that it was none of her business. I am sure he felt he was being pressured by her so he made up an excuse to get her off his back. If he is not ready to pop the question yet, then that is better than doing it just because he is being pressured into it. If he asks because someone else told him to, he could regret it later on. If it really bothers you, talk to him about it, but dont make it sound like you are upset or anything, just bring it up in casual conversation.

Answer 6

If you really want to know, just talk to him. You can speculate all you want about what he meant, but you'll never know unless you ask him.

P.S. I think Blunt is totally inconsiderate. I'm sorry, but being 21 or 23 does NOT make them "babies." They are, in fact, grown-ups, unlike you. You choose to believe that people should put themselves ahead of others and buy themselves things instead of committing to marriage. How mature and grown-up is that? In addition, first marriages within the age group of 21 and 23 have a higher success rate than any other age group. How do you explain that if they're all babies who should be out buying shiny things? Maybe you need to grow up.

Answer 7

He could have meant a lot of different things by what he said. Do you have any debt that he would prefer you pay off before he marries you? Or, perhaps he doesn't feel ready to get married. Or, maybe he's in the process of paying off a ring. It could be anything. You need to sit down with him and talk with him about it. No one here can tell you what he was thinking when he said this.

Answer 8

I would ask him and see where his mind is with this and how he feels. I wouldn't be confrontational about it. A year may not be enough time for him to want to jump into marriage. You both are young too you know? He honestly may not really be ready yet whether his reasons are either financially or emotional, you know? Just give things some time and see what happens. Best Wishes!

Answer 9

I agree, flat out ask him what his intentions are with you. He should have enough respect for you to tell you honestly what the game plan is. If he has no intention of marrying you within a timeframe that you think is suitable, then he should tell you so you can make a decision about what you then want, whether it be to stick it out or move on. There is nothing wrong with asking, I think many women feel as if they will scare their men away, but honestly, you serve yourself much better by asking rather than sitting idley by and waiting, you could wind up waiting for years and then find out its never going to happen. Then you would be kicking yourself for wasting so much time.

Good luck!

Answer 10

In a day and age where divorce occurs in over 40% of all marriages you should really ask yourself this: has he become aware of the statistics and have commitment fears or is he just being cautious for some other reason? Being up front and asking him sure beats asking us...you should always ask the source first and foremost...do it, never know the answer may just shock you! Keep us filled in and best of luck!