How do I tell my MIL and hubby that I don't want her there during delivery?

Question

The two people that make me feel the most calm, my mother, and my fiance. I want them both present for the birth of our child, but them only.
Hs mother is very sweet, but can be overwhelming with her attention sometimes. She's already told everyone that she's going to watch the birth, but I won't feel comfortable with my legs spread out in stirrups and her seeing it all. I'm just beginning to really get to know her and having her in the delivery room would make me extremely uncomfortable.
My fiance says he only wants himself in there. But I know that if I mention that I want my mother present for the comfort I know she can give he'll insist his mother be there also. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings, what do I do?
I know that if I tell her flat out it will cause a family feud. I don't want that. Help!

Answer 1

OH MY GOODNESS!! Did I write this question? lol. I asked this EXACT same question a few months ago! Girl are we twins? lol just kidding, anyways, I feel the same way, all i've ever had is my mom, we are best friends, since day 1 i always said my mom would be in the delievery room along with my husband and that is it. BUT my husband says that he would rather it be just him, or if i have to have my mom in there, then his mom has to be there too, cause it would not be fair to his mom. I like his mom, but im not crazy about her seeing me with my legs wide open and im not that close to her. and she too, has already told everyone she is coming in there! Im still having a problem letting my husband know that him and my mom are the only ones allowed. so i thought maybe i will ask the dr. to tell them that only 2 people are allowed back, so then i could make my decision easier. however, i know that my husband will just say "well then it just needs to be me!" but ya know, what our husbands are just being selffish *******! We are the ones that have carried and pained for 9 months, the least they could do, is understand that if we feel comfortable with ONLY OUR mothers in there, then that should be okay. WOULD HE WANT YOUR MOM LOOKING AT HIS "PARTS" WIDE OPEN?? noooo..... Good luck to us aye!?

Answer 2

Family fued or not it is YOUR CHOICE no one else's. You are having the baby... you choose who gets in to watch. Your MIL will just have to take it. Not fair to put you in this position! Don't feel guilty about it, the only one who would cause the "family feud" is your MIL if she can't be adult enough to understand.
Your fience' doesn't really have any say in this! sorry to break it to him but his legs are not the ones wide open and his parts exposed! Most hospitals will only let the mother giving birth decide.. my fience' (now hubby) had no say as far as who came in .... unless you otherwise tell the doctors.

Your hospital policies will also play a role in this... I was only allowed 3 people in my room that I chose. You may only be allowed to have one or two or none. this should settle any issues.... as it is natural to want your own mother in the room over your MIL.

You could also talk to the doctors/nurses without your fience' around and explain that you only wish for your mother and fience' there but tell them that you would rather them say it is policy... they will understand and should do as you ask.

Another option.. if they have you write down on the papers they have you sign and what not who you want in the room , write that you only want your mom and fience' there then no one else will be allowed in other then the care providers... if it comes into question later you can say in the midst of excitment and pain you forgot to add your MIL.
You are better off talking it out with the doc before hand to make sure the enviroment is what YOU want it in the hospital!

However I will say that I barely noticed anyone in the room! I was a bit occupied!lol

Answer 3

I didn't really have this problem. My MIL is very modest, and she realizes that I am modest as well. She came to the hospital when I was in labor and visited the labor room once or twice during the early stages. Once I was doped up, however, everyone stayed in the waiting room and my husband took them updates once in a while. I would personally not want anyone but my husband in the room. I didn't even want my mother there. If you don't want anyone else, just tell the nursing staff on arrival no visitors except your mother and the baby's daddy. They will abide by your wishes.

Answer 4

I am in the same situation. My mother has been at my previous two births and will be here for this one. I have been with my second husband for three years and we are expecting mid May. His mother wants to be there but I don't want her watching the whole thing like you said legs spread open with her right there. Plus she is very high strung and worries about everything and I am a calm person and don't her mojo getting me nervous and stressed out. I guess the best thing is to just set some ground rules and we need to learn to stick up for ourselves in these situations. She has already tried to control everything in my pregnanct and questions everything I do.

Answer 5

You and your husband need to set some grandparenting ground rules now. This will only get harder once the baby's born. If your mil assumes control of the birthing process, then how do you think she's going to act when you're laid up postpartem? If you don't want her there then tell your husband and have him tell his mother. That's his job as husband and son. And make sure that he says something like, "We decided..." This is a time for him to be supportive. Maybe you could give mil some other very important job. Have her in the waiting room answering questions to other visitors and making phone calls. Have your husband (not your mom) check in with her from time to time to get some emotional support for himself and give her information.

Answer 6

Sounds to me like you already know what to say. I think you should sit your fiance down and tell him exactly what you said here. Childbirth is one of the most beautiful things in life and it should be shared with the right people. Having your mother their fits because she was the one washing your bum as a baby. Ask your fiance how he would feel if he was to be sitting there with his legs spread and your mother watching. I think he will get the picture. Once you have a unified front between the two of you, then sit your MIL down and explain why it makes you uncomfortable. The most important thing to remember is it is your day, yours and his. Both mothers will understand and will be more than willing to co-operate, as long as they are adults about it.

Answer 7

You'll be the one with your legs in stirrups with your privates exposed pushing the baby out. Be assertive! This is all about whatever makes YOU feel most comfortable. If having your mother there makes your comfortable do that and if not having your mother-in-law there makes you comfortable do that too. It was very presumptuous of her to decide on her own that she's going to be there for your delivery. My mother-in-law didn't try that with either one of my babies but I would have been very upset if she did. Best of luck.

Answer 8

Giving birth is a very personal experience, and I certainly would not want just anyone there during the delivery. You are going to have to tell your husband and your mother in law how you feel. My Dad walked in while I was in labor and the doctor had the sheet up checking me, I flipped out and told him to leave! This is a private matter and if they cannot understand you don't want yourself exposed to whoever wants to take a peek, shame on them for not respecting the most special time in a womans life. It is fine for you to just want your mother there, she is your mom! His mother on the other hand is not. Speak up before its too late!

Answer 9

Conveniently forget to call her until after the birth of your baby.

I don't understand a crowded delivery room, nor having every single family member (extended including) and close friends in the hospital waiting room. Yet, this is what my ex's family did for the birth of every single child - one of many reasons I did not wish to procreate with him and hopefully by the time, if I do, decide to have children, we will be living far enough away for anyone to jaunt out for the delivery.

Answer 10

I had the same problem! We hadn't even talked about it and when I was in the hospital both of my husbands parents, my mother and my brother were in the room with us waiting for the actual birth. I didn't know if they were all planning on staying and watching or what, and I didn't want anyone to be upset by me asking them to leave.

Usually when the nurse checks to see if you are dilated she will ask everyone to leave during that. After she was done I just asked her how I should go about asking people to leave and she said that she would take care of it for me. When the time came to push she said "OK everyone its time to get this baby out, our hospital has rules that only two other people can be in the room " and then she asked me who I would like to stay. Of course his parents understood that I would want my mother and husband there and since they thought it was the rules they went along with it and no one was upset.

If you talk to the nurses they have no problem kicking out people you don't want in the room and then you don't have to be the bad guy.