Heya I am wondering if any1 has any good jokes?

Question

I'm up 4 a laugh and need a good laugh at the moment any thypes of joke are appreciated, aslong as it's funny!!

Answer 1

Who is the smarter sex?
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad
one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars,
the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a
woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely."

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And
look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head
in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle, immediately puts the cork back
in and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Answer 2

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said:
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride
over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would
reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is
hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and
glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I
wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why
she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can
make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Answer 3

i dont have a joke but i have this:

The Top 10 Signs Your Dentist Is Crazy

10) Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.

9) His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"

8) Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.

7) Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.

6) He...ummm..licks his tools clean.

5) Gets pissed when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists
surveyed line.

4) When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to
insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came
into his office.

3) Wears a necklace made of human teeth.

2) Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.

1) Insists that a Novocaine shot is something that he'll
buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.

Answer 4

Haircuts
WOMEN:

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

MEN:

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

Answer 5

yes

> >>>>Jamaican Sandals
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>>A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica .
> >>>>They were touring around the marketplace looking
> >>>>at the goods and such when they passed this small
> >>>>Sandal shop.
> >>>>
> >>>>From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican
> >>>>accent say,"You foreigners! Come in. Come into my
> >>>>humble shop!" So they walked in.
> >>>>
> >>>>The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals
> >>>>I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild
> >>>>at sex."
> >>>>
> >>>>Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
> >>>>Sandals. After what the man claimed, but her husband
> >>>>felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he
> >>>>was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make
> >>>>You into a sex freak?"
> >>>>
> >>>>The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." Well,the
> >>>>husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally
> >>>>gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them
> >>>>onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes...
> >>>>Something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the
> >>>>Blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent
> >>>>him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped
> >>>>down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the
> >>>>Jamaican's hips.
> >>>>The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE
> >>>>WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET

Answer 6

.There was a man who really took good care of his body?

. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror - yes, he was a bit vain - and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So, he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon encountering the penis sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.

The lady with the cane replied,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat."

Answer 7

Young David came home from school one day and found his pet chicken laying on the ground with his legs pointing straight up into the sky. When his father got home, he explained that the chicken has died and his legs were pointed up to Jesus in heaven.

They buried the chicken and that was that. Two weeks later his dad came home from work and David ran up to him yelling, "Daddy, Daddy, we nearly lost Mommy today."

"What?" his father replied.

"When I got home from school, Mommy was laying on the bed with her legs pointing up in the air yelling, 'Jesus, I'm coming, Jesus I'm coming.' If it wasn't for Uncle Terry holding her down we would have lost her for sure!"

Answer 8

whats 4 foot long and covers a pri*k?

a celtic scarf.

Answer 9

Where does a one-legged woman/man work?

-IHOP

Answer 10

Hey, I've just posted a few if you wanna have a look at them?? lol :-)