Adults - Do I have a right to be upset, or am I overreacting?

Question

My boyfriend and I (25 and 24, respectively) have been together for two and a half years, with the exception of a six-month period after I kissed another guy (a feeble attempt for affection that I didn't feel I was getting at the time) and we made a mutual decision to break up. We are now back together and have always loved each other very much. Recently, he has started openly oogling other women, which was part of the reason for our breakup before. From commenting that a friend's girlfriend is "cute... REALLY cute!" to randomly commenting to one of his ex's (whom is now married) that she looks 'really' good with a tan, to provoking borderline-flirtatious conversation with a girl who has had feelings for him for quite some time, to seeing a model on TV and commenting that he bets she 'knows how to move'... I feel offended. I confronted him nicely, with examples, and he got very defensive, claiming "all" guys think that way, and that if I expect him to change, I'm not being

Realistic. Is this true? Do all guys really act this way, and I just have to learn to deal with it? Can guys use the excuse that they are guys, and can’t help it, and that women don’t have the struggles that they do with this? My boyfriend said he can’t/won’t change, and if I expect him to, I’m being unrealistic with my expectations of men and will never find a man who makes me happy. I consider myself a confident gal, and if I bring it up, I have no problem with my boyfriend admitting a girl is attractive. But to openly admit it without being asked, and to go into detail, really makes me upset. Do I have a right to be upset, or am I overreacting?

Answer 1

Not all guys are this way, but yours is. The way I look at it is, saying a thing and doing a thing are completely different. He can say all day that some girl is pretty or hot or whatever. And you can do the same (try telling him sometime that one of your fiends beau's is "so smokin' hot").

The fact of the matter is, he may never change. And you have to decide if this behavior is a deal breaker for you. Can you live with this the rest of your life or not?

Answer 2

I think you have every right to be upset. While you have both had issues that you obviously worked through, it seems now that he is playing the "boys will be boys" card. That is a ridiculous double standard. Some women have no problem being in a relationship with men who think that way, but it is clear that you do have a problem. There are men out there that do not think that way, or at least are polite enough and respectful enough to keep those thoughts in their heads. I know from personal experience--my husband doesn't see any reason to comment on every woman he sees. We sometimes talk about different men and women and whether or not we think they are attractive or have good attributes, but this is a joint conversation, not uncalled for remarks that would be better suited to a piece of meat than a person. If he is offensive to you and completely unwilling to change, I say dump him! If you find, however, that you would rather be with him than take offense to his comments, then you'll just have to find some way to deal with it. Hope I've helped in some way!

Answer 3

You absolutely have the right to be upset, and for a couple of reasons. It may be true that a lot of men are ogglers by nature, but this has nothing to do with being respectful to your partner. Heres my take.

In conversation, mentioning the fact that a friends partner is cute, should not normally be an issue. Mentioning it several times, or even exagerating or emphasizing the comment is disrespectful to you.

Since you have already tried explaining your feelings in a nice way to him, it seems to me that he is just ignorant of how to be respectful to you, or any woman.

Partners need to be aware of how the things they say and do will affect each other. Even if a man often thinks about how another woman may perform in bed, it would be in his best interest to keep those thoughts to himself and not express them to his current partner.

All men do NOT think alike, although there are a lot of similarities between us. It should be important to note that those similarities are very situational, and one mans situation is not necessarily the same as another mans situation.

I am not a therapist, and I am not telling you to dump the boyfriend, but if thats what happens in your life, dont be worried that there isnt a man out there for you. You'll learn a lot from this relationship, good or bad.

Answer 4

Good day...young lady...
do you have the right to be upset..?..
Darn ..rights you do.. all men are not think that same way..
maybe when you left him for 6 months.. you should have kept going..and not given him a second chance..mm...
sure..2..1/2 yrs is a long time..but sounds that your b/f does not give you the respect ..and attention you truely deserve ..as a lady so..!!. Too oogle and comment about ..
"she knows how to move".. shows lack of respect ..as well ..as maturity... i think you should let this fish ..off the hook at the deep end... and catch yourself a honest man ..that will respect you..and make your heart flutter.. with kindness from his heart so.. Good Luck..have an awesome day..Smile..!!.

Answer 5

You have every right to be upset and not all guys are like that.It's true that guys are very visual and react to that kind of stimulation BUT .... when they are in a relationship it is not a usual thing for them to openly make comments about other women. My feeling is that he is deliberately trying to hurt you. If he were teasing then you could enjoy it with him and it would be short lived but his response to you says he doesn't care how you feel. Maybe he is still feeling hurt about the kiss you shared with someone else. That would be understandable but I'd say he should be talking to you about it and not acting out so immaturely . He needs to respect you and your relationship. If he isn't willing to work with you to get back what you had then as sad as it is ... you are wasting your time. Take care : )

Answer 6

You are not overreacting, but reacting unwisely. What was your "feeble" attempt at affection? I do not believe it was really geared towards getting affection from the man you kissed but the man you wanted to give you affection... your boyfriend. It was more of an attempt to make him jealous. Maybe it is his attempt to make you jealous when he flirts with other women. Maybe he is trying to show you that he wants more attention? It is just that guys are not going to say anything about their emotions, because they haven't a clue they have them (most of the time). It is not that we cannot see emotion we just don't put it into words too often. Read this and you will get a little more info on what is going on with your relationship. It will give you an idea what to do when he does this, that will make your relationship possibly better. http://www.sirc.org/publik/flirt.html

Answer 7

pffftt.. I would NEVER put up with that ****. Sorry, not happening.

Guys will always LOOK at other women, everyone notices and acknowledges attractive people.. women too. It just depends on the context.. is he just acknowledging or is he thinking things he shouldn't.
He's just flat out disrespectful and his behavior is a RED FLAG that you wouldn't be able to trust him alone with a girl EVER.

Using the oldest excuse "all men think like that" is BULLSHIT!
I know men who only look at their wives/girlfriends like that and actually say (in front of other attractive women) that they are the most beautiful woman that they have ever seen. They even stick to it when they are without their wives/gf and are around other women.

Believe me.. what you are looking for is out there. DON'T settle and tell his loser *** to take a hike.

He's not the right guy nor is he a faithful one.
MOVE ON PLEASE!!!

Answer 8

personally, i think you have a right to be upset..i'm not a jealous person at all and never have been with any of my boyfriends..however there are certain comments that are hurtful and sometimes the guys just dont realize it (or maybe he's doing it to get back at you for cheating)..butttt the fact that he's telling you he's not going to change is absolutely true..guys do not change their ways unless they are willing to do so and he is obviously not..so you have to make a decision about whether or not this is something you are willing to accept..because if you can't accept that this is how it might be indefinitely, then this may not be the right guy for you..sometimes love is not enough to make things work

Answer 9

Let's face reality, we women really don't like it when our men "eye" other women when our men are with us. Ok, now, yes, it is normal for a man to look at a woman, and notice how she looks. Men have been made to be physically minded, we women have been made to be relationship minded. That is the difference. Oh yeah, men, on average, have a thought regarding sex approx. every 30 seconds. However, it is one thing to ask his opinion, and get his honest answer, and another for him to just do a "commentary" on whomever he sees and likes to comment about. You could sit down and talk with him, let him know, ok, so you like to look at other gals, but when around me, please do not comment about them (especially in the physical sense) to me. Mutual respect. A few yeas back, I had a bf that I was with at the time, I saw a man, his backside to us, as we were driving by. I commented out loud that the guy looked good, however, his butt was too big for my liking. The response I got from my b/f at the time, said "hey!", until I mentioned the other guy's butt being too big for my liking. Then, we laughed. I know it is not fun to know that your guy is looking at other gals, but the comments without a request from you, needs to stop while he is with you (in person, walking along, etc.) Take care.

Answer 10

He is right when he says that you can not change him. Only he can change him. First of all NO not all men act or talk that way about women. He is being rude and crude. I would think twice about how you feel when he talks that way. He seems to have no feelings toward your feelings. Thinking something and saying what he does is degrading to you as a woman. Do you want that for the rest of your life? There are a lot of real gentile men in the world. KEEP LOOKING!