what do you think of this shakespearean style sonnet?

Question

For now the world is being torn apart
By the evil ways of humanities choosing
Things long forbidden are now just a sport
Because of this they are steadily loosing
The light of whom they should rely on most
For those who choose a better path then them
They know God helps those who are wandering lost
From their faith they know the gospel is there stem
When Christ is here no more evil then
For gone will be the wrongs that Satan taught
Reunited will be the lost of ten
And all the righteous will have one thought
“I knew that Jesus would come again
And celestial glory may I yet attain.”

i wrote this in my shakespeare class

the point in me writing this was not so everyone could correct my grammer spelling, or by changing the meaning of it by messing the words up

by the Ten that i refer to i am talking about the Lost ten tribes of Israel.

Answer 1

You've managed some iambic pentameter lines......

Answer 2

From poetic terms, that isn't iambic pentameter, although the rhymes conform to a Shakespearean sonnet. Work on the meter and on the slant rhymes, as half seem forced and the other half seem not quite there.

Spelling: Humanity's, not humanities. Losing, not loosing. Than them, not then them. Their stem, not there stem.

Grammatically, the poem has some issues, and it could be more strongly worded. There are too many 'froms,' 'fors', 'thens', and 'ofs' to make this a substantial work.

Here is a possible quick rephrasing, with slightly mixed metaphors in the third line. Feel free to alter whatever you'd like. Please note I have changed certain wordings for the sake both of clarity and of poetic variety; you don't want all the lines to read the same:

And now the world is still and torn apart
by wicked ways, by evil that we choose.
Forbidden fruit is plucked and turned to sport,
and played in games which man will always lose,
while losing light from those who shine so bright
from having picked the better path to tread.
God helps the rovers in the darkest night;
with faith, the gospel is our daily bread,
and evil fades with Christ and an 'Amen.'
As Satan's teachings sink beneath the sun,
we reunite from many, lost, to ten.
The righteous now will come to think as one:
"I knew that Jesus Christ would come today,
and glory lights the morning and my way."

ETA: Then why, may I ask, did you post it, if not for critique? If you do not want critique, you should not post things in a public forum asking for people's opinions on the poem. The meter is slipshod and the grammar and spelling is off in multiple places.

Furthermore, if you actually read the suggestions for revision beyond just my note that I'm not a Christian, I think you'll find that other than the conceit (poetic device involving an extended metaphor) of night-to-day, I've changed the meaning of your poem not in the slightest. I was careful not to do that.

Answer 3

I like it, it shows to me you may have been writing poetry for a while and you are skilled at it, or quite possibly a natural.

Be wary of your choice of words. Some words are more vivid in imagination than others like instead of using.."evil".. you could instead use.."sinister"..or a similar synonym to.."evil", or whatever fits the format, for example. This is where a thesaurus comes in handy. Instead of.."Things long forbidden are now just a sport"..you may want to describe what these "things" are, so the reader can depict or imagine it better.

Of course, you could leave it be and there wouldn't be any wrong in that.

Answer 4

Very nice, though the religious aspect turns me off (but that's just my own personal taste).

Shakespeare would never make a spelling error, though. If you are going to display the English language as art, you cannot have any misspellings. I didn't make the rules, that's just the way it is, and for good reason.

Your sonnet is actually very creative despite the religious overtones. Such being the case, I will point out where you can fix it:

humanity's (not humanities)

losing (not loosing)

than them (not then them)

their stern (not there stern - whatever "stern" means)

"lost of ten" makes no sense, unless you're referring to the 10
Commandments, in which case I would capitalize Ten.

Nice effort. Good luck.

Answer 5

Honest opinion, I like the first line. I understand the meaning of the remainder of the sonnet, but I think it's a bit naive. More important, it takes courage to put your thoughts out in writing for the whole world to see. I admire that in you. Peace.

Answer 6

Your verse is shoddy -- too many lines with extra syllables and too many lines out of meter. Your rhyme scheme is very loose. Your grammar, spelling and punctuation are poor.

Answer 7

I think calling it Shakespearean is an overstatement and a discredit to The Bard.

Answer 8

Nice.

Answer 9

Pretty nice. Did you write it? If so, I would say that you have a great deal of talent.

Answer 10

You have awesome potential young lady, keep going..<><