Cohabitation - parents don't approve?

Question

I am 21, I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years and we are planning to get married although we are not officially engaged yet.

I would like to move in with him, however my parents do not approve of cohabitation before marraige. They provide for me financially (although, not because I ask) by paying my health insurance, car insurance, car payments, and cell phone as long as I remain a full time student.

Does anyone have any advice on reasons I should be allowed to live with him? The fact that I love him and plan to marry him doesn't seem to be enough as they think that I am too young to get married as well (although they married at 19)

I can AFFORD to pay my own way, like I mentioned, I have not asked them to do so for me.

I entirely realize that as an adult it is my decision what I am going to do, so I don't need to be told that repeatedly


What I'm ASKING is for some tips as to how to convince them its OK. I am very close to my parents and do not want to allienate them by my choice. The money is not the issue.

I have lived with him in the past. I was going to school out of town (we have returned to my hometown to be closer to my family even though it is much farther from his)

I lived with him for 10 months while I was attending school their, but once I returned home they decided it was unacceptable for me to live with him

We have set a wedding date of Sept 6,08...and the ring is in his safe, he just has not "officially" asked because he has this crazy idea in his head about making the proposal "memorable"

Answer 1

In all honesty, there is probably nothing you can say to your parents that will make it okay.

My parents are very Catholic and my husband's parents are very Christian, and we knew that they wouldn't approve of us cohabitating without even having to ask. Once we were engaged (and I had a ring on my finger), my parents were okay with me spending the weekend at his apartment because he lived an hour away. His parents didn't seem thrilled about the idea, but didn't say anything about it. (We were 21 and 22 at the time.) They even gave me things to take like dishes, pans, chairs...

Ultimately, we decided that it was worth it to get married sooner rather than later. We may have waited longer if it would have been acceptable to our families that we cohabitate, but I'm happy with the way things have worked out. We got married on the one year anniversary of the day he first IMed me (yes, we met online!), and I moved the last of my stuff into his apartment the day before we drove off to Vegas for the wedding.

We spent maybe $1,000-$1,500 and had a beautiful outdoor wedding in a state park.

Your wedding date that you set doesn't seem that far away. Either wait or move it up. It's not like this is a boyfriend you want to shack up with and may or may not marry. You have a clear date (that you can still change) when it'll be okay for you to move in.

Answer 2

If you want to live together, I advice you be engaged first w/ a wedding date firmly set. I'm guessing your parents are concerned about this relationship working out. If you were engaged it will send the message to them, that you are serious about each other and the commitment you are making. Right now, they are just seeing this cohabitating as a "phase" for you or they view it as you are "playing house". Not the real deal.

I would wait until your boyfriend proposes and then start talking about moving in together. You say money is not an issue;however, it does not mean it will not be in the future. Seems like you have a good deal living at home, and as much as you want to live with your boyfriend right now. You shouldn't give up a good thing. Live at home for a few more months or years, save up your money you would be using to support your lifestyle with your boyfriend and use it later.

You may have the financial resources to live on your own, but it does not mean you have the mental capacitiy to do so. Living w/ another person, especially a boyfriend can be diffcult. Have the two of discussed your roles in your relationship once you live together. Will you be responsible for all the domestic duties in the house, if your boyfriend wants you to take on that role. Can and are you willing to do laundry everday, clean toliets, mop floors, pick up your boyfriend's dirty underwear, grocery shop, cook dinner, run errands, etc, etc. If not, you could have a problem. That's one reason your parents might be concerned.

Answer 3

I moved in with my boyfriend 2 years ago, only after my parents' permission (or at least grudging acceptance) in order to preserve peace in the family. Let me commend you on not doing the "screw you both, I'm all grown up and can do whatever I want!" thing.

It will be better if you move into a place with at least 2 rooms, so you each officially get your own bedroom. For some reason that made it more okay to my parents. We also had an aloof 3rd housemate that served as a buffer, so it wasn't like we were living together as a couple, but more as housemates out of convenience...does that make sense?

You can argue that it's not so different from living in a dorm, just now your guy will be there too (and therefore save you both the time and effort of traveling to the other's house). In college it's generally acceptable to share a house with strangers, so why not with someone you know and trust?

In my case, I also had to swallow my pride and do the "he'll protect me and take care of me when I'm sick, and you guys are 50 miles away" thing. It was what convinced my mom, who is a traditional man-protects-woman person. That may backfire if your mom is a strong feminist.

After a year of them getting used to this living arrangement, we moved into a smaller 1 bedroom apt with little fuss. My dad pushed us to get officially engaged before he would okay this, but we were going to do that anyway.

Good luck to you both; I hope things work out!

Answer 4

Well, you are not engaged until you have a ring and a date set for the wedding.
Girl, you are just that - a young girl whose parents are totally looking after you. They are right that shacking up with a guy is not a great idea. Marriage is the LAST thing that leads to.
Best that you get some maturity and some REAL experience in life. Finish your schooling, get a job, move out independently and learn what it is like to live in the real world - paying rent, bills, and holding down a job. You are very immature and are looking to going from your parents looking after you to a guy looking after you. That's not the way the world waggles these days.

Answer 5

I think if you set your date officially and begin the proceedings for the wedding, they may feel better. You need to respect your parents though, they have helped you out tremendously. Regardless if you can take care of yourself, the fact that they still are doing for you says that they love you and want to help you. You should do the same for them. After all, it's not alot to ask in return for you to wait until that fateful day. I think they are worried that perhaps that you are not officially engaged that maybe the commitment is not there like you say it is. They are older and wiser and may have your best intentions at heart. We all like to say our parents are over protective and nag us, but really they are simply trying to help us not make horrible mistakes. Wait until you are formally engaged, set a date, and then slowly ease into the "Finding a place" for the two of you leading up to the wedding. Actually living together may not officially happen until a few weeks before the wedding...when all are assured that you are making that final commitment. I was 25 and my husband was 29 when we married. I moved down from another country and lived with his parents and him in his parent's home. One month before the wedding, we finally did get our own place (I lived there only 2 months with his folks). Needless to say it was good to "make sure" we were ready. I don't think it's much for them to ask you to wait until then.

Answer 6

Pink Denials right.. it just boils down to doing whatever you want. Your parents help you financially so you can concentrate on school (they want to see you succeed) and they probably look at your bf as a distraction for you if you live together b/c then you will be helping him pay bills (even if he fully supports himself now) and the risk of you dropping out of school goes up dramatically. Stress to your parents that you will still remain in school but you think this is very important to your becoming your own adult... you really do see yourself with this guy forever.. Is your bf in school, b/c that would probably make a good argument in your favor, that hes in school too and it would actually be a reinforcement. Talk to them like an adult and dont act like your asking for permission since youre not.. explain your decision and tell them it is important to you that they accept it. Good luck!!

Answer 7

cohabitation has shown to increase the risk for divorse just like getting married young.
doesn't mean that it will happen but the chances are higher.

with cohabitation you may think it's a good way to get to know each other and test it out before you get married, but you will get sick of picking up his dirty socks or having the toilet seat put up or his friends over so much or w/e it is. BUT you are not comitted to eachother like you would be in marriage so it makes it that much easier to break up/call off the engagement.

besides living together and having sex after you get married makes it that much more special.

just wanted to note that times were probably different when your parents married than it is now- now days it's so easy to divorse and is mostly the answer to any problem.

Answer 8

cohabitation has both pros and cons... however I think you already found out what those are if you lived with him in the past...at your age you should be able to decide what you think is best now I'm not saying for you to say " to h3ll with your parents" i would suggest you ask your parents why is it that they don't want you to live together before your married...don't listen to these people on here trying to discourage you and tell you that it's wrong , everybody is not the same maybe it was wrong for them, you learn from your mistakes and every experience

Answer 9

You actually have a simple choice. Do you want to move in with your boyfriend and support yourself financially (because you'll probably have to) or do you want to not move in with him and continue getting assistance from your parents?

That is what it boils down to. It doesn't matter what you say to your parents. If you are are old enough to move in with your boyfriend, you are old enough to find a way to pay your own bills. Now that you are 21, they have no obligation to pay any of this for you, and they certainly don't have to do it if you disregard their wishes. Everything has a price in life.

Edited to add: I should have been clearer. You CAN'T convince them that it is okay for you to move in with him. Their belief that it is wrong is based on their personal value systems, and there is nothing at all that you can say to change their values. You can argue until you're blue in the face, but it won't make any difference. You are either going to have to alienate them (and give up their financial help) by moving in with him, or make them happy (and keep getting that financial help) by not. Either is acceptible...it's up to you which means more to you, but you can't have it all.

Answer 10

I do not believe cohabitation before marriage is ok either - I agree with your parents, and I'm only 22 years old! I am in a similar situation as you as far as being almost engaged, but I really am supporting myself financially (I get no $$ from my parents at all). However, I would never consider moving my bf in with me to save money. Cohabitation is wrong - if you're ready for that kind of commitment, you're ready to get married. If you really want to live with him that much, move up the wedding date.