What do u guys think of my paper?

Question

For several months, I had researched body piercings before even thinking of having it done on myself. I became especially fascinated with the navel. I read about several experiences and looked at navel piercing pictures to see what I was possibly in for. I loved how cute the piercings looked on the girls in the photos. I even looked at some of the navel rings I could get after the piercing healed. After three long months of contemplating and research, I decided to have my own navel pierced.
I got my piercing on December 11, the day before my 19th birthday. I had the names and numbers of several tattoo and piercing shops before the mother of one of my friends recommended Screamers. Even though I was old enough to have it done myself, I called my parents to let them know I was going to be coming home with several friends and a belly button ring. My parents were supportive and allowed me to make my own grown up decision. They expressed their concerns and wanted to make sure that a belly button piercing was truly what I wanted. I knew it was. I had waited months to have this done. I made up my mind that once I walked into the shop, I wasn’t going to turn back.
My friends and I spent the whole morning at a local mall before we meant up with another friend of ours and had enough courage to finally go to the piercing shop. When I walked into Screamers, I was immediately impressed with the shops cleanliness. The staff was extra helpful as I expressed my nervousness about getting a piercing since I had never had anything except my ears pierced before. There were a few customers there who had just been pierced to offer support. My friend and I filled out the paperwork and then chose a barbell to be placed inside of our navels once they were pierced.
I followed the woman who was to do my piercing into the back of the shop. My friend went first. I peeked around the corner to watch what the piercer was doing since the door was left open. My friend didn’t scream or even make a sound as I watched the woman place the needle through her navel. She got up and left the room after looking at her own piercing in the mirror. It was then my turn. I walked into the back room and the piercer drew dots on my belly button to mark where the piercing was going to be. Before she told me to lie down, she showed me the new packages she was getting the clamp and needle out of. She asked me to lie down and she placed the clamp on my belly button. The clamp felt a little uncomfortable. However, once I felt the needle go through, all traces of giggles disappeared. I gasped as I felt a strong stinging inside my navel. My eyes were opened wide as the piercer placed the jewelry I had chosen inside of the piercing. I just laid there on the table for a few moments, making sure the light-headedness had gone away. I was soon able to stand. Once I could, my piercer directed me to a mirror. I smiled as I saw the pretty jewel inside of my belly buttom. And amazingly, the stinging had gone away. Unlike my ear piercings, once the needle had gone through and was taken out, I felt no stinging sensation.
I left the piercing shop very happy with my belly ring. My friend and I talked about the diffrences in our piercings. Hers honestly didn't bother her at all, while I openly admitted that mine was painful. However, I was extremely happy that I had gone through with it. I was nervous at first, but as many other people have said, the pain is worth it. The pain, although sharp as the needle actually goes through, only does last for just a few seconds. I would recommend anyone who is considering a body piercing to do some research, find a great shop with experienced piercers, and go for it. I was sure glad I did.

Answer 1

Your details are excellent. The reader can imagine what happened to you and how you felt.

It was however, a little boring. Try to work a little more on your organization and make it extraordinary. Try to make a great impact on your readers: make it more colorful. You've already started with your descriptions, go with it.

The conclusion seems out of your focus about having the joy of getting a piercong. You concluded with being happy about choosing the right shop, but you started being positively excited about the piercing, so you lost focus. Your start was good, but you diverted the topic a bit. I understand the by choosing the right shop you can get a good piercing and then be happy but you used too much words to describe your satisfaction for choosing the right shop, thus overweighing your happiness for the piercing.

OVER-ALL VERDICT:
It does not seem to be a "paper", it was more of a blog entry.

Answer 2

Why were you researching piercings for months before thinking that maybe you wanted one yourself? Was this a project? Were you paid to research body piercings?

What was it that fascinated you about the navel? It denotes your own creation but doesn't attest your attitude on procreation? Are you making a statement about or trying to reforge your relationship with your mother? "To contemplate one's navel" is phrase suggesting narcissistic self-absorption.

What do you think is "cute" about a navel-piercing? Do you feel you are somehow being "different" by having one or are you trying to keep up with everyone else?

The body piercing place wasn't really called Screamers, was it?

Your narrative was engaging in and of itself. Either supress or expand the introspection.

Why are you glad you had a piercing? What do you feel you've gained?

Answer 3

A quick scan of your paper showed me you might consider reducing the amount of sentences starting with "I". We all tend to fall into this trap, but the problem is usually easily solved.