So I'm seeing this beautiful Chinese girl (I am English) and I can't seem to get her parents' respect. The problem is I spent a night at her house last year, and ever since then they have frowned upon me. I didn't realise they had such strict rules about the opposite sex leaving before midnight.
I have tried to meet up with them (we communicate through email) but they never agree on a time or date with me. She has a midnight curfew every day of the week (including weekends) and I once tried to politely ask if they could compromise with this for a Ball and they twisted my words and told me not to tell them how to raise their child.
I've tried everything now, and I've tried my best to be respectful since the incident last year, but it seems they are stuck in their old fashioned ways which simply can't be attriubuted to modern North American society (she lives in Canada). What can I do to get their respect, or is it now impossible?!
2007-03-21 14:41:40 · 10 answers · asked by Nick S 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Your elaborate question has such a simple answer. The Chinese are known over the ages for their incredibly direct and straightforward approach to everything, and that is what gives their philosophy of living such impact. It is plainsong with a purpose. And it has achieved a high level of accuracy. However, jumping through hoops of fire should not be confused with caring for their daughter. You seem to have a fondness for her, and that alone should command respect. They should be able to read your intentions toward her without being rude.Their stubbornness of heart is not the last word on anything, and their provincial posturing with you is unbecoming to them. How they treat you reveals who they are. This should remain important to them, but not necessarily to you. Her parents' rudeness is serving no valued purpose. You need to determine for yourself what is important here. Too many men marry the parents INSTEAD of the girl. I have known two friends who have divorced because the parents came along with the marriage. If the parents do not trust you, that is their problem, not yours. The important thing here is that YOU trust you. That will inform what you ultimately do. In all likelihood, you will not be spending the rest of your life with her parents.
2007-03-21 14:52:33 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 3⤋
This is a tough one. They have very strict beliefs and in a sense feel that you are not respecting their rules and wishes for their daughter. Staying over was definitely a no-no, but nothing can be done about that now. What I would do is never again ask to have her out after midnight. Respect all rules and traditions that the family has. Be sure to ask your girlfriend so that you're aware of them and do not step on any toes again in the future. Tell her that her parents respect and consent is very important to you. Has she talked to them about how you feel??
You don't mention how old you are or if you plan to marry this girl. But you must take into consideration the culture she comes from. Perhaps you should start by studying their religion/beliefs to get good guidelines on how to behave. If you want their respect you shouldn't expect them to become "modernized" and change... you must change your way of thinking and become a bit more traditional if it's their daughter you want and their respect as well.
2007-03-21 15:54:54 · answer #2 · answered by Addi 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why didn't your girlfriend tell you about the out by midnight rule? Where does she stand on all of this? If they are refusing to meet with you, try writing them an email that explains that you were not aware of the rules, but that you are learning them and intend to respect them in the future. There are huge cultural differences between Chinese and English, and if you want this to work, you are responsible for learning them. You are going to have to make it well known to them that you are willing to do things their way. Read up on their culture. Learn their language. Let them know that you are willing to go the extra mile for their daughter. And don't ever ask them to compromise on their rules. They already did by not killing you when they found out you spent the night. Good luck.
2007-03-21 15:30:54 · answer #3 · answered by Lesley M 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well i am sorry to hear of the trouble you are having seeing eye to eye with the parental units. Have you asked your lady for her thoughts on how to correct the differences between the parents and you? She has a closer relationship with them and may give you some insight on how to deal with the present issues. Chinese traditions go back for thousands of years and tradition is big with the older generation of Chinese as well as most of the Asian cultures. ( I dated a Vietnamese lady for a long while, I can understand some of what you are dealing with) Try to find ways where you values and their values are similar and try to work from that common ground. If her curfew is 12 try to bring her home early once in a while as a sign of respect.
A little discomfort on your part may go a long way to show them that you respect them and their values. I think you need to find some kind of common ground with them, something you can build from. One thing that you already have in common is your lady, this could be a good starting point. It is always hard to see an older generations point of view, But if you try hard and let them see you are giving an honest effort to regain their respect, it just might soften them up a bit.
I wish that i could be of more help to you. I wish you and your lady the very best of luck, but don't stop trying to show them that you are worthy of their respect.
2007-03-21 15:00:11 · answer #4 · answered by elacledus 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sorry dude, I can see how that is.
I think the main reason they dont like you is because you are not chinese. No offense to you, but the old fashioned ones always want their kids to marry their own race. Everything else is just excuse.
you gf should know best as to if there is a possibility or not, and how. All you can do is: go by their rules. Ask nicely for exceptions, but dont argue for it (let her ask more).
Sounds likely she is very young. You have to decide if both of you are strong enough for dealing with this long term. good luck!
2007-03-21 14:52:23 · answer #5 · answered by mom_of_ndm 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Asians are more likely to be racist if they are first-generation immigrants. I know asian people whose parents forbade them to go out with anybody who's not Asian. It's not your fault, it's not her fault, it's not even her parents' fault. They, like most other asians, have a certain mentality. They only trust those who they know they can trust.
That's why you need to show her parents that they can trust you. You need to be mature. You need to meet her parents and blow them away. You need to MAKE them change their minds, because they won't do it on their own.
Here's what you do:
1. Plan with your girlfriend to go over to her parent's house.
2. Ask your girlfriend about things that you should and shouldn't do.
3. go over there totally confident, and help her mother and father out.
Here's some Chinese Dinner Tips:
Learn how to use chopsticks (they'll see that you are trying).
Don't show that you are nervous (even if you are).
Don't shake your foot (it's bad luck).
Lastly, make sure that you get across that you will not be bad for their daughter in any way.
Hope this helps.
2007-03-21 15:00:03 · answer #6 · answered by Val 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
tough situation. by a ball do you mean a dance?anyway, it is an ancient culture as you know. i don't know that there is anything that will sway them. have you tried just going to the house with some flowers and apologizing for the incident? it could also be that they are upset with their daughter b/c she knew of the rules. perhaps there is someone of that culture nearby that could give you some more insight. i wish you the best of luck. keep trying.
2007-03-21 14:50:52 · answer #7 · answered by racer 51 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am part Chinese. I understand what you are going through. Chinese parents are very overprotective. Above all, they demand to much damn respect.
Just give it time. Show them how much you love and care for their daughter. You'll grow on them soon enough. 2 years or 3 years maximum. LOL
My Mom never approved of my brother's caucasian girlfriend either. But his girlfriend stuck around him, took care of him when sick, considered our holidays. Remembered Christmas gifts for the whole family, birthdays.etc
She was very thoughtful of our family and my parents learned to appreciate that.
Remember when you marry a Chinese girl, you not only marry her, you marry her family as well. LOL
Hope this helps.
2007-03-21 14:55:32 · answer #8 · answered by kim 3 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Her parents are from a different culture. You are not going to change them, If you love her you will obide by their rules. I know they suck. It does not matter they now live in Canada. How old is this girl? When you marry her they will have no say. If you love her you will wait until you marry her. Good luck.
2007-03-21 14:51:52 · answer #9 · answered by janine b 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Chinese parents as well as other parents teach their children to not be in realtionships at this time of their lives because this is the most important part of their lives because this is their steps toward a good future. They don't want any relationships taking up valuable time and messing the future of their child for their child. I think at this point it's pretty hopless cause they might have seen your true intentions a bit early. I think you should just keep a mutual relationship as friends until she leaves her house.
2007-03-21 14:49:17 · answer #10 · answered by renzhong1 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋