Why do I feel so bad about disciplining my son?

Question

I posted on here a couple days ago my post was this one http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AljXVTMXCrqWg.ySYmv6h53ty6IX?qid=20070319212406AAXc9uF
I finally had enough of my 12 yr old swearing at me. Nothing was working. I tried grounding him, taking almost everything away, etc. I finally spanked him. I was thinking he was a little too old, but it seemed to have worked. I spanked him this morning and he has been polite to me all day..

But why do I feel so bad? I'm afraid my kids are going to hate me..

Answer 1

You are afraid your kids are going to hate you?!!! Of course your kids are going to hate you. What are you, their buddy? This is an incredibly childish outlook. The important thing is not for your child to like you, it is for you to raise a child that you love and LIKE.

Kids hate weakness. Scratch that. PEOPLE hate weakness. People and kids respect people who want the best for them and who demonstrate that they are in control. Calm, confident control. Why on earth would you feel bad about doing something that you believe was in the best interest of your child? It would make more sense to feel bad about not being willing to demand proper conduct from your child.

The spanking worked this time because it was unexpected. It will not continue to work so well. The best punishment I know is to both take away everything and then make your child do work with you. Emphasis on "with you." Also, you need to make sure your child has activities in which he is succeeding.

Your child is not supposed to like you right now. Right now is your chance to make choices that your child will respect once he has his own child. Stop thinking about the short term. And get a therapist. The part where you don't want your child to hate you is kind of creepy.

Answer 2

My mother was abusive to me when I was little. She didn't just spank, she went wayyyy overboard. Every time she would do this she always felt so guilty that she would take me to get an ice cream cone. As a child I ate A LOT of ice cream. Of course, the difference here being that she had a REASON to feel guilty, what I went through was abuse, not corrective spanking.

It is normal to feel guilty or bad after you have inflicted pain upon your child, especially if they have cried, that's a hard one. You just have to be strong and keep reminding yourself that you are shaping this childs future and that you have the be the strong arm and keep them in line, at all costs. My daughter is now 14 and paddling her worked every time and we didn't move over to other forms of punishment until she hit 14. That's when she got too big to paddle but she also has other forms of "currency" now and taking away phone time, taking away her mp3 player, that is the equivalent of the end of the world for her. Right now she has to earn her free time because she got caught playing on the internet at school and got after school detention for it. She cleans the bathroom, that's 30 minutes of free time. She vacuums the house, that's another 30 minutes of free time. She earned 3 hours yesterday and she was respectful to me the entire time!

You can do this. Don't rely on it as your only means of punishment but, as I have said many times on here, use it as a tool.

Answer 3

Parents always feel bad about stuff like this; it's natural. However, your son isn't going to hate you. He knows he was out of line, and you made it very clear that you're not going to put up with his behavior anymore. Kids need parents who will set and enforce limits, and it sounds like he was testing you and you came through.

I don't believe spanking is abuse either, but he is getting kind of old for that. Maybe next time pop him in the mouth? Spanking and things like that, in my opinion, shoudl be reserved as a last resort.

(Also, I would make sure your kids don't know you feel bad. If you punish them and apologize, it completely defeats the purpose of discipline.)

Answer 4

A lot of parenting is full of tough decisions. What you are experiencing is tough love, and it is probably a lesson that needed to be dealt a while back. I agree with one of the other answerers who said it worked this time, and possibly the next, but eventually you will have to come up with new and creative ways to handle disobedience and poor behavior.

My advice to you is to make sure you stay ON TOP of it, and I mean every little attempt by your son to be disrespectful, snide comments, cocky attitude. Stay on him constantly, and he will eventually get the point that you WILL not put up with it.

The problem I find myself, is that I get tired of being the 'heavy' because yes, it feels bad sometimes, and it only takes one or two times for me to be LAZY, and then I'm right back where I started, having to constantly be on top of my kid.

The truth is that you will feel bad, it's normal, but it's just part of raising a good kid....just be sure to do things with your child that are fun, entertaining, quality things. Be sure and take an interest in one of his interests, he will know you care.

AND, my favorite explanation to a kid is: rules, consequences, it's all a major sign of how much a parent cares.

Your child is smart enough to understand this, but also smart enough to know all your buttons and know how far he can push the line, so continue to let him know that YOU will draw the line every time.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

They may hate you, but they have to learn respect, or they will start disrespecting adults outside of the home. Like school, the police etc, and a spanking is better than jail. If spanking worked, stick with it, I'm sure he'll learn. As long as you aren't beating him.

Answer 6

It's not that you feel bad, but that you feel strange because you have been used to being cursed at and not obeyed by your son and now because of a little spanking he has made a complete turnaround. You think there's something missing like this is too good to be true.

Answer 7

You should feel bad. Instead of being an example to respect, you used force and fear to silence your child. Good job, mom.

A little food for thought: My mother spanked me only occasionally when I was a kid and I'm STILL pissed about it. Of course, I have an exceptional ability to hold a grudge.

Answer 8

normal parental guilt i dont think you were wrong as long as you didnt go overboard i think spanking is fine if it is not excessive. your kids wont hate you for the occasional spanking and if he hadnt used up all the other options then you would not have had too.

Answer 9

I think you did the right thing, dont let it guilt you. He shouldnt be disrespecting you and it will continue if you dont put a stop to it. You did not beat him. A spanking never hurt no one.

Answer 10

you know there is to little disciplin these days. kids need to have cosequences. it sounds like you are a good mom and as long as it was on the butt where god did not put any vital organs on purpose then it was probably good for him. dont ever disciplin in anger thats what hurts kids. they know you love them when you put your foot down.