Funny riddles, jokes, stories please?

Question

Q: Why did the guy bring selsun blue with him on his date?
A: It said "reduces flaking."

Please, i'm dying for a good joke!

Answer 1

{TOO FUNNY! Next time you're at Wal-Mart and see the greeter,
think of this story.}

JOB AT WAL-MART

An office manager at Wal-Mart had to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmmm! Let me see. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.

"Excellent!" said the interviewer... "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known to man is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I crapped in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!

Answer 2

Hillary Clinton goes to Immaculate Conception School in Ithaca, New York, to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Richard", replied the little boy.
"And what is your question, Richard?"

"I have three questions:
1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2. Why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office?
3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you
left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "OK, where were we? Oh,
that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up.
Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"My name is George."
"And what is your question, George?"

"I have 5 questions:
1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2. Why would you run for President after your husband
shamed the office?
3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
4. Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5. What happened to Richard?"

Answer 3

a blonde walks up to a store. she askes the man, "How much is that TV around the corner?"
He replies: "sry, i dont serve blondes."
Shocked, the blonde walks away and goes home. She comes back the next day, with brown hair now, and asked:"How much is that TV around the corner?"
And once again, he said he doesnt serve blondes.

She comes back the next day with RED hair. "How much is that TV around the corner?"
Again, "I serve no blondes!"
The blonde replies: "how on eath do u know im BLONDE!?"
The man says: "Miss, thats not a TV around the corner, its a MICORAVE!!!"

Answer 4

how do you get an elephant on a subway if you take the "b" out of the word sub and the "f" out of the word way?

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theres no f-in way