My 5 year old daughter keeps hitting & acting aggressively toward her friends, how can I teach her to stop?

Question

Our family is a divided family with 50% of the children's time going to their father and 50% with me. Our 5 year old Kindergarten daughter won't stop using her hands to communicate aggressively. What steps should I be taking to stop the hitting when I'm not sure what steps her father is taking. I'm sure he uses spanking as a discipline, but I'm looking for alternative options. Time outs work only ocassionaly, taking things away and grounding only work when she's with me. What else can I do?

Look people, we're not married any longer so it's not like I can just sit down with the dork and talk about stuff like this. If I could do that, I would've already. Don't pretend to be so freakin perfect!

Answer 1

This is a situation that needs to be nipped in the bud. Your daughter is old enough to know that hands are not for hitting. I disagree with her father's method of spanking - if he wants her to stop hitting, he must stop doing it himself. If this concerns you, you should speak with him about this.

Make a chart and place it on your fridge, or another area where it will often be seen by your young daughter as a reminder to behave. When she behaves for an entire day (no hitting or aggressive behavior whatsoever, no exceptions) allow her to choose her favourite sticker and place it on the chart. If she breaks the rules and is aggressive, do not reward her with the sticker and tell her that a privelege will be taken away. When she earns three stickers, for example, reward her. New toys, taking her out for ice cream and other fun things that your daughter likes will help her learn that good behavior is rewarded. After awhile, she will do it for the sake of knowing what is right and wrong, rather than doing it for her reward. When this has happened, you can stop with the sticker chart. If she uses aggressive behavior, no dessert after dinner might be a punishment you choose. If she complains about this, she will be sent to her room for a timeout. Make sure you let her know WHY she is being punished. Tell her, "You are not allowed to have dessert because you smacked [so and so]." If she does not know her crime, it is unfair to make her do the time.

Whatever you do, do not tell her to punch a pillow, kick the carpet, etc. This will just teach her that hitting is still OK and she may go back to her old habits.

Whenever she shows signs of aggressiveness, say, "Hands are for holding, not for hitting!" Constantly remind her of this. If she misbehaves in school, even if she is punished there make sure you give her a timeout at home. Be consistent! She needs flat out rules. It seems to me that she has not been taught that hitting is not okay properly.

Do not let her actions go unpunished, either. Tell her, "Mommy is NOT happy with you. I want you to go to your room, sit on your bed and think about what you did. Do not come out until I tell you to." Your daughter seems a little feisty, so do not say anything like 'Do you understand me?' She should not be given an extra chance to be disrespectful, as she might say 'No!' or another lippy answer.

Speak with her father, calmly, about a discipline plan. For example, if you won't allow her to watch TV because she was aggressive, let her father know so that he can continue with the consequence. Her father may be her escape route from your punishment and it will have no effect if that is so.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Try to understand why she uses aggressive mannerisms; ask her. Tell her that her behavior and actions aren't right and that she shouldn't hurt other people. Find some other way that she she can get her aggression out on besides other people, something that isn't dangerous (something like a pillow, maybe). Just be a good role model; children watch and mimic a lot of what they see their significant others (parents, teachers, and other mentors) do. Spanking isn't a good option, as it is a form of aggression as well. It doesn't make sense to tell a child not to hit people if the parent turns around and hits the child; it confuses them and they don't understand what they did wrong.

Answer 3

If you don't want to spank, I would use time outs with her. I know you say it does not work, but have you been consistant with it? How long have you tryed the time out system? Time out should work if you are completly consistant with her each and everytime she does something she is not supposed to do. I know it is so very hard to be consistant, as I have 2 children, but I have noticed when I am consistant, it works. It might take some time for your daughter to realize that you mean buisness, but if you will do this consistantly, and ignore her while she is in time out, this should work. Time out should not be in her room, it should be on a area of the house where she can't do nothing but sit there. I hope this works. Watching nanny 911 or super nanny will help alot...it works if there is consistancy.

Answer 4

Consequence her behavior. In other words, the consequences of hitting others would be to not be allowed to play with friends for a time. the consequences of not picking up toys would be to have the toys be up on a shelf for awhile. Let the child learn from these "choices" she makes and realize there is a connection between behavior and consequences.

Additionally, don't look on any of this as a "bad" thing. It's good to learn these things now, at 5, instead of at 21 while sitting in a jail cell.

Answer 5

Spanking a child to get them to quit hitting makes no sense!! You and your husband have to be on the same page with discipline! All you are going to do is confuse her!!! You two need to set down and come up with how you are going to discipline her and then stick to it! Watch the Nanny show to learn how to time outs correctly, and get other ideas on how to get her under control! Don't tell me the two of you aren't mature enough to put your differences aside and sit down together and make a plan that is in the best interest of your daughter???!!!!

Answer 6

the best thing you can do for your kid is teach her by example. show her how to handle anger/excess energy in positive ways- get her in some sort of sports program. she has learned aggressive behavior is o.k. somewhere along the lline- it is going to be very hard to unlearn. make sure to reward her when she acts appropriately- don't focus too much on the negative behaviors and reinforce the positive ones all you can- MAKE SURE TO ASK HER if anyone has touched her in a way that makes her uncomfortable- it's terrible to think but she could be acting out as a result of abuse- she's not too young to bring this up with if you do it in a gentle way. make sure she knows youll believe her

Answer 7

It's going to be hard if you can't get co-operation from her father. Buy her a punching bag - check martial arts supply, they have one called "kid kick" that kids can kick and strike. Let her know that is where her anger needs to be expressed. Also let her know what the rules are when she is with you, even though they are different from dad's rules. Don't let her play with others if she hits them. Instead, make her sit on the "sidelines" and watch others have all the fun. Then she will want to play. Probably, what she really needs is a bigger kid to hit HER, then she will know how it feels, but as parents, we can't condone that, can we?!

Answer 8

Call an exorcist