Strained relationship with my mother-in-law?

Question

My fiance and I announced our engagement last summer and have been planning the wedding since then. Over the last eight or so months his mother has put up a lot of resistence about the marriage (though nothing directly to me seeing as how she is exceptionally passive-agressive and obsessed with manners). We've struggled through it, still in love, and still want to get married regardless of her thoughts on the matter (the rest of our family and friends are wholly supportive). The issue is that lately she's completely changed gears and is super sweet to me and has been talking about how 'excited' she is. The problem is that I don't trust her (she said some REALLY negative things about me and our marriage, including that I was only marrying her son so I could get pregnant) and I'm having a really hard time warming up to her. Any ideas on how to accomplish this?

Answer 1

Hi there!
This is my first answer here...

At the risk of sounding pessimistic....

Since you don't say how old you and your fiance are, age could be an issue- if you are both too young, for example. Or if there is a big age gap between you two. Or if you have different backgrounds and /or religion....Why does she not like you, exactly? Does she have grounds for this attitude?
(Ask yourself this and try to be honest.)

( Out of experience, I can tell you that it is true that you marry not only the guy- but also his family....cousins, pets and friends, too.!)
..................................................

One thing you could do is have a meeting with both her and her husband, and have your fiance join you.

Then come straight out and tell them that you love your guy, that you want to be happy together and that you wish they would give you a chance to do so. (That way, your fiance can listen himself and not hear twisted versions of your words from his mother.) Have a list with you so you don't forget to say important things.
.........................................................
Unfortunately, wisdom comes from experience. And if you two decide to go ahead with the wedding EVEN THOUGH you know it won't be easy......then good luck! ((Many marriages that had everything going for them didn't last; and many that had everything against them did...))

So, try to be a good woman, try to be honest with your fiance and try to be nice with his family. Maybe if you tried to level with her and try to understand her feelings and fears she would change. But don't have this conversation in private- this can backfire, so be careful.

Hopefully, she will get used to the idea of her son growing up and maybe her attitude will change as well. Good luck!

Answer 2

You should probably sit her down and have a talk with her. Let her know that given the fact that things between the two of you got off to a rocky start you are glad to see that she is coming around and "excited" about your new marriage. Tell her that you'd like to take this opportunity to make sure that any issues that stand between the two of you are squashed here and now so that you can get a fresh start. Encourage her to tell you if anything is wrong or if she still has any reservations about the marriage. You may also want to ask what brought about the change of heart. If everything seems kosher then you have no choice but to go with it and proceed with caution as far as your mother-in-law is concerned. Hopefully if there are any problems she will air them and you two can resolve whatever it is before you get married.

Answer 3

She may have had a revelation, and doesn't want to lose her son.
Think of her reaction to you as FEAR (being judgemental, and passive aggressive, and resistant-even manners-Nazi--all fear.)
Be a bigger person and comfort her fears. Think about how close she once was with her baby boy, and that you would want that closeness with YOUR son. How would you feel if some girl got in the way, before you had let go?
Now, you are not just Some Girl, but part of her family and she is part of your family.
Let her in a little, not all the way, and see how it feels. AS you relax and look at her as a fearful person, you can come to forgive her, and invite her in. As she gets less and less fearful, she will relax, too.
Forgiveness is a gift you can give YOURSELF, so you can have a friendship with your mother-in-law. It will make your marriage better.

Answer 4

Forget her and her thoughts. I would focus on the wedding and the marriage. Plan a life with your new hubby. His mother will either get over it or live with it. Stop trying to win her over and get her to like you. Once she sees her son is happy and it is the two of you against the world things will all fall into place. You are not the first nor the last woman that her mother in law has issues with.

Answer 5

I admire you for trying. However, don't rush into it. She's treated you like garbage. Now, make her earn your respect. If you start trusting her too soon, you may find she has an alternative agenda. I used to forgive my mother-in-law for her antics, like accusing me of drinking too much in front of everyone at my bridal shower, asking me if her son is the father of our daughter, calling me a b**** in front of our daughter, etc. We would get along for a little while, and the antics would start over because I "stole" her son from her. Anyway, you have to reach a point that enough is enough. I'm not saying don't be civil or anything like that. Just don't invite her on a shopping trip with you any time soon, unless you're shopping for wedding stuff and she wants to go along. Don't ask her to do "friends" things with you just yet. Do be nice to her, though, if she is being nice to you, but don't open yourself up to be hurt by her. There is a huge difference between forgiving someone and being a doormat. She may have truly changed her mind about you. So, don't give up on her, but don't treat her like a goddess either.

Answer 6

You know, you can't MAKE yourself like someone whom you do not trust. You can't change how your heart feels. The only thing you CAN do is to modify your behavior. (One of the premises of behavior modification is to alter the behavior and the attitude will likely follow on,) So kudos to you for knowing that you need to find a way to be at peace with your MIL-to-be (even if you can't "make peace" with her.) You might want to just make up your mind to treat her with kindness and respect and respond to her as if you DO believe her and that you DO like her. Never say an unkind word; never react badly; act as if everything is near perfect (even when it is not.) This will most assuredly make you the better person; all around you who have seen what has been going on will admire you for your poise and grace and - who knows? - maybe even your MIL-to-be will be won over by you. Should that happen, then eventually how you act will, indeed, be the way you are feeling.

And if she never comes around - if she lapses back into treating you badly, then you continue to show grace under pressure but don't be a doormat. Don't respond in kind, but don't feel you have to subject yourself to abuse. Once you are married, make sure that you and your husband establish your own lives - separate from that of your families, including her. (This is always hard because the families --- and I bet this MIL-to-be in particular --- sees the new couple merely as an extension of THEIR family and not a separate entity of their own. Best to do this right at the beginning!)

Good luck! I know it is difficult - but acting as your should will serve you well throughout your life. Be the way you want the world to be.

Take care.

Answer 7

I truly sympathize with your situation. In fact, it sounds very much like my own engagement story, minus the part where she starts being nice! My mother-in-law is very passive-aggressive. She always had been and always will be. But, in time, things will get easier between you two. I have accepted that I am not the woman my MIL would have chosen, but I'm here. You have to find a middle ground. I know she will never truly like me, but for the sake of family, I have chosen to let it go. It took years, but now we're fine. We're by no means friends, but we're fine. If your MIL is changing her attitude, good. You don't have to be her friend, you just have to get along. I know people will probably tell you to try talking it out, but if your MIL is like mine, it's not worth the time. She's being pleasant now, so just enjoy it as it lasts. It's a bumpy road and it will take years to learn to deal with it. Be polite and respectful to her b/c she is your husbands mother. If you need to get the frustration out, complain to anyone who will listen, except your fiance. Concentrate on your relationship with you soon to be husband! Good Luck!

Answer 8

Maybe your future MIL has finally warmed up to you and sees that you are going to be a good match for her son. Take it for it is.....she is attempting to bridge the emotional gap between you and her. Take advantage of that. Put all the other bulls**t aside. This is an exciting time for the family. Who needs the drama? Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

I'm having the exact same problem only with my future father in law.

All I can really say is, enjoy her positiveness, fake or not, while it lasts. At least with the lacking negative comments it won't stress you out as much.

Maybe go out and have lunch together?
Maybe keep your distance but be polite?

Who knows....It's frustrating, and I hope everything comes together for you.

Answer 10

Just maybe someone had a talk with her and told her that if she didn't change her tune that she would lose her son and not gain a daughter. Be polite and give it some time to see if this is the case. You don't have to be kissy/huggy just try being a little more friendly.