How do you deal with the distance?

Question

This is mainly for people in the military and their spouses. How do you cope when your spouse gets sent off? Regardless of if it's just for a few weeks or months, or if it is years. I haven't had to face this yet but I am going to have to come June when my fiance (he'll be my husband by then) leaves for boader patrol. Also he has mentioned he will be re enlisting and going active. What do you do to pass the time? How do you remain faithful when you are apart so long? Any tips and advice would be greatly appreciated.

I wouldn't be unfaithful to him. I love him and I believe in him and us and I am very prou of what he's doing. I'm just new to this and didn't know what others had experienced. I just wanted to know what to look forward to. Thanks to everyone for all of your great answers. They helped a lot.

Answer 1

I am an army wife who has been through 2 deployments with my husband. While I can appreciate the fact that you are about to go through a period of separation and want some advice, I am concerned about your question "How do you remain faithful when you are apart so long?" Why would it even occur to you that you should even think about how it is possible to remain faithful. It has never even occurred to me to ask how people remain faithful to their loves....I just do. I love my husband more than anything and I could never do something so hurtful because of my own selfish needs. When husband is gone, he is alone, working VERY hard, putting his LIFE on the line for me and you and everyone else in the country...well....if you wanna look at the big picture...the whole world he is out there helping. I just stay faithful...I put my needs and desires on hold and focus on HIM and what he needs. He needs me to be there for him in every way I can be....logged on the computer always, always with cell, sending care packages and letters. Taking care of him is very important to both of us.

Outside of that soapbox, the only thing I can tell you is....get a webcam. You will both enjoy it.

Answer 2

As a an Army Wife of 18 years and more deployments than I care to count here's my thoughts.

1. What do you mean how do you stay faithfl? You just do! Those vows you are getting ready to take are the real thing - they don't say until you leave for a few days/years! Wives in WWII were apart from their hubbies longer than we are and still managed so can you. Just because there are women out there who don't understand this concept doesnt' mean you don't have to. You're not an animal who is driven by sexual desires - you can control them.

2. Get involved. Know what you husband does, learn about the branch he's in -- my husband is proud of the fact that I know more about the Army and how it works than half his soldiers! -- there are lots of agencies both on post and off who can use your volunteer expertise. The FRG always needs help. Chapel groups.

3. Go out of your way to meet other wives who's husbands are in the same situation -- just be ready to disagree and take the high road! Even having one good friend who's been around the military longer can be a HUGE help!

4. Keep a journal, keep track of the days - mark them off on a calendar. Scrapbook.

5. Learn a new skill - decorate your house, knitting, crafts, auto mechanics, whatever! Keep your brain focused on something other than how long it is! (kids really help in this dept. ;))

6. Get involved with your church or start attending, or the post Chapel.

7. Help others out -- this will help you not have a pity party everyday! Once in a while is fine and chocolate is wonderful but you can't do that every day!

8. Write, call , email and be creative about it. Cut letters up into puzzles, mail half on seperate dates, etc.

9. When it gets closer -- make plans for his return. A new nightie, a little perfume, nice hotel, nice dinner, strawberries and champagne....you get the picture! Keep things romantic when he is home at least once a month or so.

10. Admire him! tell him how much you miss him, love him and appreciate him!

Blessings!

Answer 3

You know what question hit me in the face...."How do you remain faithful when you are apart so long?" Are you freaking kidding me. You don't make it an option. You are married, I know I know I am old fashioned - marriage used to mean something. Staying faithful should not be an issue. It is something me and my wife didn;t have to stress voer while I was Iraq. We never thought of being unfaithful. I felt so bad for those guys that had to deal with the worry and in some cases the actuality of cheating.

You write, email and talk as much as possible. You take time out to reflect on what makes your relationship so great and what you want to improve on. You educate yourself (read books on relationships, finance, being a better person, etc)

He is gonna be state side so you will probably get to see each other. And he will still have a cell phone.

We did a year with only my 2 week R/R. At one point we had been apart due to military just as much as I had been hime since we had been married. We wrote, emailed and talked when we could - it is tough, but the comitment is for life. It honestly strengthened our marriage. We communicate better and have abetter appreciation for each other. We have a skill set now that will benefit us when I return to Iraq.

Answer 4

I was a military spouse, and the longest we were apart was for 9 months.

The most important thing for me to understand is that the reason he was out there was to support our family because he loved us. Although the separation was hard, I know that it was an act of love, that by providing a roof over our head, food in our stomach, and keeping the utilities on was his way of showing and proving his love for us.

I know that it can be hard, and the days seem like months. I used to take my kids out 2 to 3 times a week. I would also talk with other spouses from the unit, that way we had common ground.

For me, being faithful is a matter of committment and conviction. Cheating was not an optionfor me...it is a choice that I have seen others make, and all those couples paid a huge price. Realize that the rate of divorce is twice as high in the military than in the civilian world.

When he does go active duty, it will depend on where you're stationed. We were stationed in Germany, and we would visit castles, different cities, there would be fairs all over and we would travel to different towns to go to the fairs, we went to Oktoberfest, we even went to Austria and the Netherlands. You will have your passport (free) so will be able to drive all over Europe if he gets stationed there. I miss Germany...I would love to go there again...

Good Luck.

Answer 5

First and most important is if you are concerned about being faithful then maybe you shouldn't be marrying your fiance . You are faithful because you love and respect one another. My husband and i have been through 3 deployments with a 4th one right around the corner and the faithful question just floored me. As others have said you just do it, its not something you think about. Our seperations have ranged from 3 months at a time to 1 year at a time, its hasn't been easy, plenty of tears. It's important to stay busy, have goals, and involve yourself with people who have the same values as you do.

Answer 6

i haven't done it for more than a month yet, but he's leaving in May and he's active duty so we get coached a lot on what to do. I don't have kids or a job so i've already decided that I'm going to finish an associates degree whiles he's gone. That will give me something to do durning the day and get me out of the house. Doing things with friends and things like fixing up your house for when he comes back. Have you always wanted to re-do the upstairs bathroom or ur kicthen or bedroom, don't just sit there do it! And think of a trip or something fun you can do together when he gets back. Make plans. Go out and have some "girl trips" with your friends to the beach and take lots of pictures to send to him. Do things for yourself, plan a treat every week to count down the time. I go rent a comedy every firday to watch with my friends. Stay away from the love stories they just piss you off and make you want him more, the action/war movies might scare you and give you nightmares about him. Even just getting a manicure or a massage everyweek is a good treat for yourself if you can afford it. As far as being faithful why are you worrying about that? Do you not think you can? Just don't give yourself any other option. Don't put yourself in that situtaion. I don't hang out with my guy friends while my hubby isn't home to go with us. If I want to see them I invite them to come out with a big group of my girlfriends. Don't allow yourself to get in a compromising situtation. As far as helping to deal with the urges your both going to have, IM me and I'll share some of those with you. Some of them are a little out there but will really help your husband and you be able to get by without having the physical closeness of each other. It's natural to want that while he's gone, but realize he expects you to be strong for him, think of all he's doing for you and the country. Don't you think it's hard for him too. Just don't dwell on it, go to the gym take up a sport like running or dancing while he's gone. Being tired and working out will help you deal with not having any. And like I say there are other things you can do, just IM me for those.
Kelly
Fort Bragg, NC

Answer 7

It does take a special kind of person to be married to somebody who is gone a lot.

Out of the 15 years that I've been married to my Marine, we've spent maybe 7 years of it together.

You deal with the distance because it is what you made the commitment to do.
You make surround yourself with support. From friends, family, and other spouses that are going through the same thing.
You also take advantage of him being away to do stuff just for you. Find out what it is that you like...that you want...that you are interested in trying...and do it. Look at it as a way to be selfish and do things for you. :)
You remain faithful because you choose to. Trust, communication and respect are the key elements in keeping your relationship strong.
You will find out though...just how strong you are.
This is a scary thing and it is hard. But look at the positive aspect of it.

Good luck.

*EDIT* Oh yeah....and it is ok to through yourself a "pity party" every once in a while....Through in a good chick flick and cry your heart out.
Also..try to remember this....as hard as it is for you....it's harder for them. You get to stay at home, in your bed with all of your things and all kinds of things to do. :)

Answer 8

The Military has many wives clubs and other support groups that help. I was in the USAF for 27 years and away a lot and my wife made many sacrifices but we dealt with the separations and we have now been married 51 years and going strong. Don't even think about being "unfaithful." A bad decision with tear your marriage apart. Good luck and be strong....you will look back and be better for it.

Answer 9

Being faithful isn't hard for me. I'm married. Period. There is no one else for me. I would NEVER do anything to hurt him, ESPECIALLY when he's in a crappy war zone! If you have doubts about remaining faithful, maybe you should reconsider the decision to get married.

You pass the time by having your own life... have a job, stay in touch with old friends, etc. It's essential to keep busy.

Answer 10

First, staying faithful, you just do.
We have lots of emails and letters back and forth and a goal to finnish before I come home. My wife is spending this deployment making baby hats. One for every day I am gone. Stuff like that.
Good luck.
rr